Peak-a-boo you mark ass busters! For some reason as I begin to type this post, I can’t help but hear the opening line of Mase’s “Welcome Back” on loop in my mind. Welcome back…welcome back…welcome baaaaaaaaaacckk. Yes, guys and gals (I sound like Sarah Palin) it has been quite a long time since I last tapped the keys of my laptop to leave you with some words of wisdom. October has been an enlightening month for me, I must say. I’ve been earning a decent and honest pay check and then investing it in the drug game (mostly pills). I’ve been going to my classes; this way I have an alibi when my instructors find their tires slashed. I’ve been hunting women like quail almost nightly. Amazingly, I have yet to catch syphilis. Look, the month of October has been a fulfilling month. The month isn’t over though. For Halloween, I plan to dress up as Max Payne…and kill myself. What an awful movie…
Nation, I was on an elevator today. As I was coming down from the 21st floor, it stopped on the 15th where a relatively young (I would say he was about 27) white guy proceeded to squeeze into the elevator. As we a
re smoothly descending toward the lobby the same man’s phone starts to ring. By ring, I mean “Gold Digger” by Kanye West starts playing. (SHE GIVE ME MONEY) I was so startled. Whose phone needs to be that loud? I could have sworn it was coming out of the elevator speakers. (NOW I AINT SAYIN SHE A GOLD DIGGER) the white guy pulls out his phone and flips it open. I immediately get annoyed because this douche bag has some way gotten service on an elevator. So either he has Verizon…or he’s a gypsy of some sorts. (SHE GIVE ME MONEY) why is this man’s phone still singing? I look in his direction and I notice that he is looking down at his screen. I guess he was debating on whether he wanted to pick the call up or not while the song played. (GET DOWN GIRL GO ‘HEAD GET DOWN) Jesus Christ when did that song even come out? It’s 2008. I look over to see why the phone is still making noise only to observe that he has decided to let it play out as he ignored the call. He was actually bobbing his head to the bum ass sound quality of his phone’s speaker. (HE LEAVE YO ASS FOR A WHITE GIIIIIIIIIIRRRL) I’ve decided to slit his wrist with my pen cap. Just then the elevator reached the lobby and he exited the elevator. It was then that I realized this: America, we need ring tone regulation!
My people, unless you are between the ages of 9 and 17, you are NOT allowed to purchase ring tones (or ringbacks for that matter) for your mobile device. Mother, “Fergalicious” should not play when you get a phone call from my brother’s high school principal. What in Harry Potter’s wand happened to the phone going “ring ring?” Are you cool now because you’ve turned your Fav Five into a Blink 182 playlist? Although YOU may like the songs you put on your phone, you’re only playing these once popular tracks out and pissing off everyone around you. Ring tones are for children who have yet to experience the sheer beauty of an iPhone. Only if you’re a child, I expect you to invest in a couple jingles to go along with your trendy glittered phone clip. However (taking a deep breath), if you have “A Milli” by Lil Wayne as your standard ring tone…and you ride the FUCKING train, I’m releasing rabid dogs in your neighborhood on Halloween night. What sense does it make for you to have an Easy E track as a ring tone, but your voice message sounds like this: Good day! You’ve reached the mobile device of Anthony Bainbridge of the Bainbridge & Skyles Firm. Unfortunately I have missed your call and would truly appreciate it if you would leave a detailed message as to why. Thanks a ton and have a great day…BEEP. Nation, I propose that your voice mail message should parallel your ring tone should you decide that you need ring tones on your phone. So if “Miss Independent” is your ring tone, your voice mail should start like this: “Fuck niggas…only bitches making paper on they own can say shit after the beep”. If you prefer “Put On” by Young Jeezy, this is your voice mail’s message: “HA HA (Jeezy laugh) nigga I be missin calls like shit (LIKE SHIT) so you gotta leave a message (A FUCKIN MESSAGE) or I aint callin you back (DAAAAAMN)”. And for you older folks, if you want any Michael Jackson song, no matter what your voice mail says there needs to be the sound of swings and children’s laughter in the background. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
Look, if we don’t stop this ring tone obsession, who knows what can happen. What? Am I going to come home tomorrow night and BET is hosting the first annual Ring Tone Awards? What happens when the song is not enough? One day when our phones ring, if you have a ring tone not only will the song play, but so will the Dave Myers directed video. Do you know how screwed up my day will be if a Missy Elliot video pops up on my phone every time I get a call? So please, America, leave these ring tones alone. Let the kids play with them and you just stick with “ringer 3” that COMES WITH THE PHONE!!!
Nation, I was on an elevator today. As I was coming down from the 21st floor, it stopped on the 15th where a relatively young (I would say he was about 27) white guy proceeded to squeeze into the elevator. As we a
re smoothly descending toward the lobby the same man’s phone starts to ring. By ring, I mean “Gold Digger” by Kanye West starts playing. (SHE GIVE ME MONEY) I was so startled. Whose phone needs to be that loud? I could have sworn it was coming out of the elevator speakers. (NOW I AINT SAYIN SHE A GOLD DIGGER) the white guy pulls out his phone and flips it open. I immediately get annoyed because this douche bag has some way gotten service on an elevator. So either he has Verizon…or he’s a gypsy of some sorts. (SHE GIVE ME MONEY) why is this man’s phone still singing? I look in his direction and I notice that he is looking down at his screen. I guess he was debating on whether he wanted to pick the call up or not while the song played. (GET DOWN GIRL GO ‘HEAD GET DOWN) Jesus Christ when did that song even come out? It’s 2008. I look over to see why the phone is still making noise only to observe that he has decided to let it play out as he ignored the call. He was actually bobbing his head to the bum ass sound quality of his phone’s speaker. (HE LEAVE YO ASS FOR A WHITE GIIIIIIIIIIRRRL) I’ve decided to slit his wrist with my pen cap. Just then the elevator reached the lobby and he exited the elevator. It was then that I realized this: America, we need ring tone regulation!My people, unless you are between the ages of 9 and 17, you are NOT allowed to purchase ring tones (or ringbacks for that matter) for your mobile device. Mother, “Fergalicious” should not play when you get a phone call from my brother’s high school principal. What in Harry Potter’s wand happened to the phone going “ring ring?” Are you cool now because you’ve turned your Fav Five into a Blink 182 playlist? Although YOU may like the songs you put on your phone, you’re only playing these once popular tracks out and pissing off everyone around you. Ring tones are for children who have yet to experience the sheer beauty of an iPhone. Only if you’re a child, I expect you to invest in a couple jingles to go along with your trendy glittered phone clip. However (taking a deep breath), if you have “A Milli” by Lil Wayne as your standard ring tone…and you ride the FUCKING train, I’m releasing rabid dogs in your neighborhood on Halloween night. What sense does it make for you to have an Easy E track as a ring tone, but your voice message sounds like this: Good day! You’ve reached the mobile device of Anthony Bainbridge of the Bainbridge & Skyles Firm. Unfortunately I have missed your call and would truly appreciate it if you would leave a detailed message as to why. Thanks a ton and have a great day…BEEP. Nation, I propose that your voice mail message should parallel your ring tone should you decide that you need ring tones on your phone. So if “Miss Independent” is your ring tone, your voice mail should start like this: “Fuck niggas…only bitches making paper on they own can say shit after the beep”. If you prefer “Put On” by Young Jeezy, this is your voice mail’s message: “HA HA (Jeezy laugh) nigga I be missin calls like shit (LIKE SHIT) so you gotta leave a message (A FUCKIN MESSAGE) or I aint callin you back (DAAAAAMN)”. And for you older folks, if you want any Michael Jackson song, no matter what your voice mail says there needs to be the sound of swings and children’s laughter in the background. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
Look, if we don’t stop this ring tone obsession, who knows what can happen. What? Am I going to come home tomorrow night and BET is hosting the first annual Ring Tone Awards? What happens when the song is not enough? One day when our phones ring, if you have a ring tone not only will the song play, but so will the Dave Myers directed video. Do you know how screwed up my day will be if a Missy Elliot video pops up on my phone every time I get a call? So please, America, leave these ring tones alone. Let the kids play with them and you just stick with “ringer 3” that COMES WITH THE PHONE!!!
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