Bullshit Movies...

Where do I start? First let me explain that I absolutely despise the season we call summer. SHIT IS TOO HOT. And apparently it's illegal to run the streets butt ass naked so I suppose the next best thing (besides rolling around in the tub) is to spend $13 to go see a movie in a dark, freezing cold movie theater.

First of all...FUCK MOVIE THEATERS! I went to the movies the other day and tried to get a combo which consisted of a medium popcorn, M&M's, with a medium beverage, when the 78 year-old raisin that stood behind the counter informed me that it would amount to 17 cash. Word? I just paid $13 to get a ticket, and you mean to tell me I have to pay $17 more for some tasty snacks and beverages? So, I kindly told her, "no thank you" and immediately slapped her with the ham sandwich I smuggled in under my sweatshirt.

Anyway, on to these movies. What are directors thinking these days when they make up movies? ENOUGH WITH THE SEQUELS. I don't want to see another Mummy movie. HOW MANY TIMES DOES ONE DEAD NIGGA HAVE TO COME BACK TO LIFE? I know what you're thinking. "Jet Li is in this one, so there's got to be more action." FUCK JET LI. Put him and Jackie Chan in the same room and who do you think will win??? Think long and hard. Of course, anyone would assume that Jet Li would wear Jackie Chan's ass out; holding his arm in the air as he repeatedly paddled those buttcheeks. In an empty room that may happen; however give Jackie a stool, a stapler, a pull up bar, or a Martha Stewart magazine and this little Chinaman will turn into a weapon of mass destruction. Saw 5??? I'm quite tired of watching people die in outrageously gruesome ways. I mean it was amusing in the first Saw...it was different; come on, 4 more movies of the same shit? Saw IV doesn't even deserve to be called a movie...shit's an extra long webisode. I feel like I could just skip that one and get all the details at the beginning of the next one from a mysterious guy with a deep voice like it's a Dragonball Z episode.  Word to Mr. PoPo.


Let's start off with "Wanted". Here's another Matrix style movie with characters jumping from building to building in slow motion while wearing sunglasses that surprisingly never leave their face nor fog up in hot situations. Ah, and apparently bullets curve now, making any form of strategic cover obsolete. I'm sick of it. What really gets me is: how do you get to become a phenomenal assassin by listening to Mr. Morgan Freeman? None of those children from Lean on Me became that gifted at shit. Shit, the fat boy wouldn't even kill himself! I mean they couldn't find anyone better to play that role? No one? Matter of fact, Morgan Freeman ain't do a damn thing in that movie. He just idly sat by as the white boy got his ass beat everyday. I wasn't aware that getting your ass whooped on a daily basis led to becoming some crazy super assassin. Before this movie hit the screen I read a movie review that read: "Morgan Freeman ups the ante in this action thrilled adventure..." I refuse to continue. MORGAN FREEMAN IS NOT TOUGH. This nigga just played GOD last year in Evan Almighty. Now this man is trying to turn over a new leaf by yelling "SHOOT THIS MOTHA FUCKA!"?? Sir, need I remind you, your name is MORGAN, first of all. You are not Samuel L. Jackson. A movie does not become popular just because you yell "motha fucka". Only Sammy Jack can do that. I, personally saw Snakes on a Plane just to be amused by that one line. After that, yes, I was fully satisfied. I've come to the conclusion that Samuel L. Jackson should be in every movie released in 2009. He doesn't even need a big role. Just say "FUCK" at some random scene during the movie. Like when Spiderman is chasing Green Goblin, just have that bald nigga sitting on bench reading a newspaper talking to himself like, "MY FUCKIN SOCKS ARE DAMP!!" He doesn't even need to be a character most of the time. Just as Jet Li decides he's going to take a swing at some half dead crusty looking mummy, there needs to be an interruption with Samuel L. Jackson sitting at a desk doing breathing exercises, and then yelling the word "FUCK".

This string of comic book movies is really pissing me off. Some of these guys aren't even real heroes with super powers. Incredible Hulk? Nah. WHO THE FUCK CAME UP THE IDEA TO PUT THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT ON STEROIDS? That's not entertaining. Ironman. Shit makes no sense. This man was supposed to be making a missile and somehow was able to pull off making an iron suit in the middle of a desert all while under total surveillance. How does that work? And then there's the worst of the worst: Batman. First off, Batman is not a real super hero. He has no powers. He's just a rich boy with gadgets and fly vehicles. Birdman (the Denver Nuggets basketball player) could be Batman if he really wanted to challenge himself. Someone please tell me how this man is not dead yet. If I EVER saw a grown ass man running around in a bat suit and cape, I would feel obligated to kill him. Why is it that every criminal feels the need to shoot him in the chest? STAB THAT MOTHA FUCKA IN HIS MOUTH. I'm certain he doesn't wear bulletproof lips God dammit. And I'm tight they named the movie The Dark Knight. When I hear dark night, I immediately think, "Wesley Snipes just walked in?" Forrest Whittaker is a very close second...that lazy eyed bastard. Anyway, Snipes IS TOO BLACK. Give that man some red lipstick and a turban and he is Mr. Popo (if you don't know who that is, google his picture immediately). What they should have named the movie was The Pale Pimp. This dude Joker has on a purple suit. This movie wasn't even about Batman; it was all about Joker. Matter of fact, I don't want to see another Batman movie simply because of the fact that the man who played Joker is dead and Morgan Freeman was in it for no reason. What was his role: make Batsuits? Sam Jackson could have done that and said "PUT ON THIS MOTHA FUCKIN SUIT" and this picture would have been so much better (especially in IMAX). And I swear to God if they come out with a Robin/Nightwing movie starring Shia LeBeouf, I'm purchasing a pair of Hulk Hands, soaking them in cement, and going to work on the director's face. After the proper facial abuse is inflicted I'll go check out the new Justice League movie that's coming out where Common is supposed to play the Green Lantern. I guess that's a different choice of casting. I guarantee, though, that if the Green Lantern was played by Sammy Jack, box office sales would be through the roof. All we need is one swift backhand with the hand holding the ring unleashed upon Wonderwoman along with a corresponding, "FUCK YOU WONDERBITCH! I RUN SHIT IN HERE" and the oscar for best film gets delivered ASAP. I'm telling you, Samuel L. Jackson is the golden ticket. He makes everything better. Replace Jigsaw with Sammy Jack and you could make another 17 Saw movies. Just rename it "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS CALLED SAW?" and it's an instant classic series. Matter of fact, I bet if you were to take the time to reread this and simply apply Samuel L. Jackson's voice to anything that's capitalized in this post, the entertainment (if any) from this post would skyrocket...

T-Pain, you're pissin' me off...

(sigh)...

you know, I enjoy Hip Hop music. In all actuality, I enjoy multiple genres of music. But Hip Hop is one that I must say I enjoy the most. With that, I have noticed that Hip Hop (like any genre of music, literature, film, etc.) goes through eras. The year is 2008, and apparently this would be "The T-Pain Era" where this bleach blond dreadlocked having coon has reincarnated the Zapp Band and the talk box. In 2005, Mr. Pain came on the scene with "I'm Sprung" and introduced a whole new generation to a voice that seemed impossible to achieve. It was like a robot, an angel, and some nails to a chalkboard went into a studio (one obviously not shut down by Diddy) and gang banged the Blue Opera alien woman from the movie The Fifth Element (check that out by the way). Anyway, the sound was incredibly "unique" and made 12 year old boys going through puberty feel a little more comfortable with themselves. Well now it's 2008, the T-Pain'in isn't so unique anymore, and no longer does T-Pain have to "sing" on your track to get you a hit. Now, for roughly $200 you can own your very own talk box and pop out a hit single in the T-Pain voice. And by listening to the radio today, you having that T-Pain voice is the prerequisite for airplay.  Immediately following this single will be the remix which T-Pain (and indubitably, Lil Wayne) will be featured because that's what's good in the streets...Hip Hop is almost at its demise now when every album out has either T-Pain featured, or the artist simply rapping in the T-Pain voice. It's like everyone wants to play with the T-Pain voice. I swear to FUCKING god, if I'm watching TV, and I hear this voice in a Swiffer commercial, nothing will hold my wrath...

T-Pain...I hate you. I hate your top hat (because I didn't think of it first). I hate your grillz; not so much because you have them but more so because of the fact that I can now spell grills with a "z".  Wikipedia ACTUALLY has taken the liberty to define this shit! I hate how you find it necessary to pop and lock in every video regardless of song tempo. I hate the fact that not even your mother can verify if, in fact, you have eyes or not. (ah, NOTE TO NIGGAS: there's a song called "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night." How about you all go and remix that shit like a nigga version of "We Are the World" and let everyone in the club know why exactly, you find it necessary to sleep in sunglasses.) I hate the fact that you have become the new Nate Dogg. At least Nate Dogg SANG; moreover, if you called Nate Dogg a hook-man, he probably would have agreed, after he slapped you. I sincerely hate you because you wore a "T-Wayne" shirt at the B.E.T. Awards this year. In my humble opinion and in the voice of Riley Freeman: "eeewww nigga you gay!" T-Pain, save your money.


You ever heard of Lil John? No? How about reggaeton? Nothing? ah well...

Allow me to introduce myself....

Alright boys & girls,

The name is Dash...I DON'T enjoy long walks on the beach because I was raised to walk with a purpose. Those that don't walk with a purpose tend to get marked late, put extra mileage on their sneakers, and occasionally get raped in back alleys. I prefer to check the "none of the above" box. I DON'T like candle lit dinners. In the unfortunate event I have undercooked some chicken, in a dimly lit setting I may not notice; thus...I die.  Can't have that, now...

I could probably go on and on about things I do not like. Being this is my blog, you will most likely come to understand that I don't like a lot of things. Furthermore, there are few things in this world that give me pleasure than paying a delivery guy in nickels.  The face he makes is priceless when I hit him with the, "85...90...95...a dollar. Hold that. 5...10...".  I'm from Jersey, but I don't enjoy the beach.  Although, I do enjoy getting chased out of shops lining the boardwalk because I've spilled slurpee on merchandise I refuse to purchase.

Some people do things simply to meet an objective or accomplish a task. Others do things simply "just because". Either way, I enjoy watching "things" happen for whatever reason. However, the way my brain is wired, I tend to see things that most people don't see; or I may see everything that you see, but understand its significance in a way you would never think. Either way, I have amused myself for roughly 20 years by experiencing this conundrum we call "LIFE". And I don't mean that stupid board game with the fucked up rainbow wheel that spins off the board and into your lap every time you really just want a "6". (Side note: real boardgames use dice...eh...with the exception of Trouble.  Now that's a game that started off with good intentions by naming it "Trouble" but then started down a slippery slope thinking it would be creative to put the dice in a fucking bubble. A bubble?!?! You know what starts trouble, hombre: when you open the box and you've realized a prepubescent Dash has colored that restrictive bubble with a god damn sharpie marker.) I digress...

Boys and girls, a lot happens everyday, and I simply am a witness...how I interpret things is simply how I see them. But please believe, in your black and white world, a guy like me has to have some kind of technicolored fun. So please, stay tuned as I play the statue and observe this American culture, and merely break it down how only I see fit...

p.s....I would NEVER under cook chicken...