So, I had to cut off the soundtrack of my life to right of this screen and dig into my dusty CD collection to write this post. I had to take it back to the days when taking turns on the computer and burning mix cd’s were the thing to do on a Tuesday or after a terrible party night. Everyone talks about how college is all about the connections you make and the experiences you have as result of those connections. See, I always thought college was all about Cup o’ Noodles, “surprise” diarrhea in the washing machine, kegs & eggs, and math (the world’s ratio of breasts to balls is 2:2…roughly). Yet, what purpose does fecal matter in washer A4 serve if I have no one to bitch to that my whites are now brown? Furthermore, if it was I who performed this mischievious act, if I don’t have anyone to laugh about this dastardly deed with, why even do it? That would be just weird. I say this because regardless of whether you’re doing the shitting or getting shitted upon, you need a group of peers by your side to commemorate your experiences. Thus, I have decided to divulge the science of creating the perfect peer group. Being a male, I write this for the benefit of my male readers; ladies you are more than welcome to read along as well and get a glimpse into the carefully orchestrated situation we like to call the "group setting." So…back by popular demand, I bring yet another section vital to your college survival: Formulating the E-Board.
Let me begin this third installment of the college living series by stating this: the E-Board is your crew. Throughout your college years you will come across many types of people: chicks who you have class with, chicks you want to knock down, guys who will get you into the party for free, cafeteria employees, the weed man, the chicks upstairs that are always down for the Domino’s 555, guys you will go to the gym with, the kid who always leaves his room unlocked, etc. They walk around you each and every day but they cannot all be in your inner circle. Your inner circle needs to be a nucleus of people that can mesh and aid the overall group in social settings. Below, I give you the different pieces along with their purposes to creating the perfect E-Board.
The Financial Backer: In any business there needs to be a money man. Now the E-Board is not some student organization with a treasury. That would require a "treasurer" and treasurers are usually very stingy when it comes to company funds. He is always analyzing whether or not something is a good financial move and putting the clamp on unnecessary buys. The Financial Backer’s purpose is somewhat like a treasurer only he does not operate as miserly. No, no, no. Situation: The E-Board is at the door of the party and two of us don’t have the money to get in. Instead of some of the group going in and forcing the other two to wait in the car, the Financial Backer fronts the money so we can all get in. Is he just an overly generous man? Shit no! 9 times out of 10, he’s pissed off. He is the most stressed out member of the E-Board because he knows that when we all go to the ATM at 10pm, while everyone else takes out $20, he takes out $60. He knows that there is always someone on the team crying broke, so he knows there’s a strong chance he won’t get repaid anytime soon. However, the true beauty of the Financial Backer is not that he relishes in the fact that he controls the money. A great Financial Backer understands the fact that the memories made on any given night are priceless. He understands that Voltron is only effective when it’s got all the pieces in place. So despite the fact that he’s peeved that he’s got to put up more money for the house party, put $10 extra in the gas tank, or buy a chick he isn’t even interested in a long island ice-t, he’s going to do it because more than anyone on the E-Board, he understands and appreciates the time the group spends together and the memories made. Moreover, he tends to attract chicks that see him spending money (money hungry bitches) and a lot of times money hungry bitches have friends. So he always has at least a guaranteed two chicks coming back to the E-Board house for an after party…
The Bully: Look, if you’re a pretty boy, they think you’re soft. If you’re smart, they are going to think you’re weak. If you’re all about a good time, they’ll think you’re dumb. This will apply to the compa
ny you keep as well. However, no matter what type of group you find yourself in, that group is going to need a bully. The Bully regulates when no one else will. The Bully also knows other bullies. His purpose is not to run the E-Board with an iron fist though. He doesn’t use his bullying superpower on the E-Board but rather on everyone outside of the E-Board. The Bully serves two main purposes: 1. He is 24/7 protection. This guy is always down for a good fight regardless of cause. He also is the most aware of possible causes for altercation. Plenty of times has the bully on my E-Board pulled me aside at a party or bar and warned me of something about to "pop off." On the other side, he’s the guy in your group others are most aware of if an altercation ever does arise. 2. He serves as the “thug” chicks subliminally desire. Let’s face it. A lot of chicks like a dude to be bigger, stronger, and give off a sense of ignorant manliness. The Bully serves as the “gulliest” guy in the group in respect to its other members. Take it in these terms: if the group is wearing suits and ties, the Bully puts on khakis and a button up with the top button undone. And no, he does not wear a tie either. If the group is wearing white t-shirts, jeans and boots, the Bully is wearing a knife and nunchucks (...and perhaps an eye patch even). The Bully will also bully (ironic) a couple of weak chicks into coming back to the E-Board's crib after the party. The Bully also has no problem throwing chicks out of the after party to make the guy to girl ratios suitable for the E-Board. Lord knows I would never kick a chick in the butt, but the Bully will kick a chick hard with no remorse...
The Diplomat: Every group needs a PR man. The Diplomat serves as just that. The key to the Diplomat is that he must possess the unique quality of crossing racial lines. Your group should be very diverse when it comes to personalities but let’s face it: races tend to stic
k together. So a lot of times you will find that one black guy in the group of all white guys or vice versa. It's like they had an affirmative action member thrown into the mix. Oh, how I find this so lame and counterproductive. So, that’s where the Diplomat works his magic. Instead of adding a member to the E-Board because he fits in but just happens to be a different color, add a member who is the same color as the group but is known to hang out with people of a different color. So what, you black boys got a white boy in your group. He acts black and only likes black chicks. Thus, you’ll still be doing the same things whether he’s on your E-Board or not. I prefer the black boy who is from the suburbs, acts white, and likes Latin chicks. He might look like me, but if we never met then I would never have been exposed to beer bongs, themed parties, bagel bites, and fire crotches. The overall purpose of an E-Board is to have a diverse crew that enhances your college experience. The Diplomat’s purpose is to provide opportunities that no other member of the crew could provide. Have you ever been to “Hi-Liter Party?” Consult your Diplomat if you have not because then he is not doing his FUCKING job. The Diplomat is guaranteed to provide at least one foreign chick and one friend (may or may not be foreign) to the E-Board house after the party.
The On Button: This guy is the blood of the E-Board. He is probably the most influential cat in the crew. Through the blessings of the party gods (Frank the Tank and John Belushi), he was created and brought to the E-Board to breathe spontaneity into any situation. He is basically the Beastie Boys crammed into one body. The party hasn’t started until this guy has sprayed his face with shaving cream and somehow has gotten chicks to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. He just makes chicks feel comfortable with relaxing and enjoying the moment (whatever that might be at the time). I believe some of you people would say he has “swagger.” Sidenote: NIGGAS STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELVES ON FACEBOOK AS SHIT LIKE, John SUPERSWAG Doe. I want to beat you fucks with your skull studded belts. If you have to assert to yourself and trick complete strangers that you have this coveted “swagger” then you don’t have it. Swagger. I believe that term is designated for anyone wearing True Religion jeans or a Louis V scarf. You can learn swagger. You can create swagger. The On Button doesn’t possess swagger. The On Button just has a beautiful gene that allows him to recognize social situations and possess the ablility to make them comfortable for everyone involved. Unfortunately, The On Button tends to access his special powers at their truest form when he’s under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. So, a lot of the time The On Button tends to get into some type of predicament at some point. The On Button will assure a good time for everyone in the party, but at 4am you are going to have to pick his unconscious and naked body up from the school library steps, clothe him, and then chase him after he “escapes” from your car as you try to take him home. The best part of The On Button is he is the most sociable of the E-Board, so he is the perfect playcaller or wingman. Whether you are steering the ship or he is, he can always make a 2 on 2 (2 chicks and 2 guys) a memorable night. The On Button will always get a minimum of 3 chicks to come back to the E-Board's house to continue the party…
Daniel Ocean: This would be the final component to the E-Board. If The On Button is the blood and adrenaline, the Bully being the muscle, the Financial Backer the brain (and pockets), and the Diplomat being the mouth, then Daniel Ocean is the head of this Voltron that is the E-Board. He is the link that brings all these characters into one force. He is the mastermind behind getting everyone together. He is normally the brains of the operation as he decides where and when the pre-game will happen, recommends what chicks should be invited (and not invited), what parties the crew will attend, etc. He is the president of the E-Board but doesn’t speak on it because it’s recognized by everyone in the group. He’s the invisible hand. Being the common denominator of the entire team, he can play wingman for every member at any given time. Because, he is often running the position of wingman, he rarely accomplishes a set number of chicks to bring to after party. He just shows up and continues to play wingman or hones in on chicks that are there in surplus...
Let me begin this third installment of the college living series by stating this: the E-Board is your crew. Throughout your college years you will come across many types of people: chicks who you have class with, chicks you want to knock down, guys who will get you into the party for free, cafeteria employees, the weed man, the chicks upstairs that are always down for the Domino’s 555, guys you will go to the gym with, the kid who always leaves his room unlocked, etc. They walk around you each and every day but they cannot all be in your inner circle. Your inner circle needs to be a nucleus of people that can mesh and aid the overall group in social settings. Below, I give you the different pieces along with their purposes to creating the perfect E-Board.
The Financial Backer: In any business there needs to be a money man. Now the E-Board is not some student organization with a treasury. That would require a "treasurer" and treasurers are usually very stingy when it comes to company funds. He is always analyzing whether or not something is a good financial move and putting the clamp on unnecessary buys. The Financial Backer’s purpose is somewhat like a treasurer only he does not operate as miserly. No, no, no. Situation: The E-Board is at the door of the party and two of us don’t have the money to get in. Instead of some of the group going in and forcing the other two to wait in the car, the Financial Backer fronts the money so we can all get in. Is he just an overly generous man? Shit no! 9 times out of 10, he’s pissed off. He is the most stressed out member of the E-Board because he knows that when we all go to the ATM at 10pm, while everyone else takes out $20, he takes out $60. He knows that there is always someone on the team crying broke, so he knows there’s a strong chance he won’t get repaid anytime soon. However, the true beauty of the Financial Backer is not that he relishes in the fact that he controls the money. A great Financial Backer understands the fact that the memories made on any given night are priceless. He understands that Voltron is only effective when it’s got all the pieces in place. So despite the fact that he’s peeved that he’s got to put up more money for the house party, put $10 extra in the gas tank, or buy a chick he isn’t even interested in a long island ice-t, he’s going to do it because more than anyone on the E-Board, he understands and appreciates the time the group spends together and the memories made. Moreover, he tends to attract chicks that see him spending money (money hungry bitches) and a lot of times money hungry bitches have friends. So he always has at least a guaranteed two chicks coming back to the E-Board house for an after party…
The Bully: Look, if you’re a pretty boy, they think you’re soft. If you’re smart, they are going to think you’re weak. If you’re all about a good time, they’ll think you’re dumb. This will apply to the compa
ny you keep as well. However, no matter what type of group you find yourself in, that group is going to need a bully. The Bully regulates when no one else will. The Bully also knows other bullies. His purpose is not to run the E-Board with an iron fist though. He doesn’t use his bullying superpower on the E-Board but rather on everyone outside of the E-Board. The Bully serves two main purposes: 1. He is 24/7 protection. This guy is always down for a good fight regardless of cause. He also is the most aware of possible causes for altercation. Plenty of times has the bully on my E-Board pulled me aside at a party or bar and warned me of something about to "pop off." On the other side, he’s the guy in your group others are most aware of if an altercation ever does arise. 2. He serves as the “thug” chicks subliminally desire. Let’s face it. A lot of chicks like a dude to be bigger, stronger, and give off a sense of ignorant manliness. The Bully serves as the “gulliest” guy in the group in respect to its other members. Take it in these terms: if the group is wearing suits and ties, the Bully puts on khakis and a button up with the top button undone. And no, he does not wear a tie either. If the group is wearing white t-shirts, jeans and boots, the Bully is wearing a knife and nunchucks (...and perhaps an eye patch even). The Bully will also bully (ironic) a couple of weak chicks into coming back to the E-Board's crib after the party. The Bully also has no problem throwing chicks out of the after party to make the guy to girl ratios suitable for the E-Board. Lord knows I would never kick a chick in the butt, but the Bully will kick a chick hard with no remorse...The Diplomat: Every group needs a PR man. The Diplomat serves as just that. The key to the Diplomat is that he must possess the unique quality of crossing racial lines. Your group should be very diverse when it comes to personalities but let’s face it: races tend to stic
k together. So a lot of times you will find that one black guy in the group of all white guys or vice versa. It's like they had an affirmative action member thrown into the mix. Oh, how I find this so lame and counterproductive. So, that’s where the Diplomat works his magic. Instead of adding a member to the E-Board because he fits in but just happens to be a different color, add a member who is the same color as the group but is known to hang out with people of a different color. So what, you black boys got a white boy in your group. He acts black and only likes black chicks. Thus, you’ll still be doing the same things whether he’s on your E-Board or not. I prefer the black boy who is from the suburbs, acts white, and likes Latin chicks. He might look like me, but if we never met then I would never have been exposed to beer bongs, themed parties, bagel bites, and fire crotches. The overall purpose of an E-Board is to have a diverse crew that enhances your college experience. The Diplomat’s purpose is to provide opportunities that no other member of the crew could provide. Have you ever been to “Hi-Liter Party?” Consult your Diplomat if you have not because then he is not doing his FUCKING job. The Diplomat is guaranteed to provide at least one foreign chick and one friend (may or may not be foreign) to the E-Board house after the party.The On Button: This guy is the blood of the E-Board. He is probably the most influential cat in the crew. Through the blessings of the party gods (Frank the Tank and John Belushi), he was created and brought to the E-Board to breathe spontaneity into any situation. He is basically the Beastie Boys crammed into one body. The party hasn’t started until this guy has sprayed his face with shaving cream and somehow has gotten chicks to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. He just makes chicks feel comfortable with relaxing and enjoying the moment (whatever that might be at the time). I believe some of you people would say he has “swagger.” Sidenote: NIGGAS STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELVES ON FACEBOOK AS SHIT LIKE, John SUPERSWAG Doe. I want to beat you fucks with your skull studded belts. If you have to assert to yourself and trick complete strangers that you have this coveted “swagger” then you don’t have it. Swagger. I believe that term is designated for anyone wearing True Religion jeans or a Louis V scarf. You can learn swagger. You can create swagger. The On Button doesn’t possess swagger. The On Button just has a beautiful gene that allows him to recognize social situations and possess the ablility to make them comfortable for everyone involved. Unfortunately, The On Button tends to access his special powers at their truest form when he’s under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. So, a lot of the time The On Button tends to get into some type of predicament at some point. The On Button will assure a good time for everyone in the party, but at 4am you are going to have to pick his unconscious and naked body up from the school library steps, clothe him, and then chase him after he “escapes” from your car as you try to take him home. The best part of The On Button is he is the most sociable of the E-Board, so he is the perfect playcaller or wingman. Whether you are steering the ship or he is, he can always make a 2 on 2 (2 chicks and 2 guys) a memorable night. The On Button will always get a minimum of 3 chicks to come back to the E-Board's house to continue the party…
Daniel Ocean: This would be the final component to the E-Board. If The On Button is the blood and adrenaline, the Bully being the muscle, the Financial Backer the brain (and pockets), and the Diplomat being the mouth, then Daniel Ocean is the head of this Voltron that is the E-Board. He is the link that brings all these characters into one force. He is the mastermind behind getting everyone together. He is normally the brains of the operation as he decides where and when the pre-game will happen, recommends what chicks should be invited (and not invited), what parties the crew will attend, etc. He is the president of the E-Board but doesn’t speak on it because it’s recognized by everyone in the group. He’s the invisible hand. Being the common denominator of the entire team, he can play wingman for every member at any given time. Because, he is often running the position of wingman, he rarely accomplishes a set number of chicks to bring to after party. He just shows up and continues to play wingman or hones in on chicks that are there in surplus...
Remember, one of the reasons why men enjoy college so much is because of the potential to get busy with multitudes of women. So keep in mind, you will open yourself up to way more women if you work collectively with a team of guys with whom you have created chemistry. Furthermore, the essence of a fun (and successful) evening is achieving a popping afterparty. No one wants to party until 2am just so he can go to bed at 2:30am. I assure you, unless you are Van Wilder himself, it is impossible for one man to entertain a post-2am shin dig in the apartment or dorm room with just himself and 5-6 women. I don't care how much liquor he has or how much attention he spent that afternoon creating the "perfect" iPod play list. The E-board is about a group of 5 guys who work together to entertain 5 chicks with the overall objective of getting everyone laid. By the group working as one, the popping afterparty solidifies another successful team effort. It was a great man (I believe it was Mr. Rogers actually) who once said, "ain't no fun if the homies don't get none." And THAT my children is the motto of every chapter of the E-Board. Questions, comments, or concerns...contact Daniel Ocean.
Look, should Senator Obama become President Obama, he’s got a lot of work to do.
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