Where do I start? First let me explain that I absolutely despise the season we call summer. SHIT IS TOO HOT. And apparently it's illegal to run the streets butt ass naked so I suppose the next best thing (besides rolling around in the tub) is to spend $13 to go see a movie in a dark, freezing cold movie theater.
First of all...FUCK MOVIE THEATERS! I went to the movies the other day and tried to get a combo which consisted of a medium popcorn, M&M's, with a medium beverage, when the 78 year-old raisin that stood behind the counter informed me that it would amount to 17 cash. Word? I just paid $13 to get a ticket, and you mean to tell me I have to pay $17 more for some tasty snacks and beverages? So, I kindly told her, "no thank you" and immediately slapped her with the ham sandwich I smuggled in under my sweatshirt.
Anyway, on to these movies. What are directors thinking these days when they make up movies? ENOUGH WITH THE SEQUELS. I don't want to see another Mummy mo
vie. HOW MANY TIMES DOES ONE DEAD NIGGA HAVE TO COME BACK TO LIFE? I know what you're thinking. "Jet Li is in this one, so there's got to be more action." FUCK JET LI. Put him and Jackie Chan in the same room and who do you think will win??? Think long and hard. Of course, anyone would assume that Jet Li would wear Jackie Chan's ass out; holding his arm in the air as he repeatedly paddled those buttcheeks. In an empty room that may happen; however give Jackie a stool, a stapler, a pull up bar, or a Martha Stewart magazine and this little Chinaman will turn into a weapon of mass destruction. Saw 5??? I'm quite tired of watching people die in outrageously gruesome ways. I mean it was amusing in the first Saw...it was different; come on, 4 more movies of the same shit? Saw IV doesn't even deserve to be called a movie...shit's an extra long webisode. I feel like I could just skip that one and get all the details at the beginning of the next one from a mysterious guy with a deep voice like it's a Dragonball Z episode. Word to Mr. PoPo.
Let's start off with "Wanted". Here's another Matrix style movie with characters jumping from building to building in slow motion while wearing sunglasses that surprisingly never leave their face nor fog up in hot situations. Ah, and apparently bullets curve now, making any form of strategic cover obsolete. I'm sick of it. What really gets me is: how do you get to become a phenomenal assassin by listening to Mr. Morgan Freeman? None of those children from Lean on Me became that gifted at shit. Shit, the fat boy wouldn't even kill himself! I mean they couldn't find anyone better to play that role? No one? Matter of fact, Morgan Freeman ain't do a damn thing in that movie. He just idly sat by as the white boy got his ass beat everyday. I wasn't aware that getting your ass whooped on a daily basis led to becoming some crazy super assassin. Before this movie hit the screen I read a movie review that read: "Morgan Freeman ups the ante in this action thrilled adventure..." I refuse to continue. MORGAN FREEMAN IS NOT TOUGH. This nigga just played GOD last year in Evan Almighty. Now this man is trying to turn over a new leaf by yelling "SHOOT THIS MOTHA FUCKA!"?? Sir, need I remind you, your name is MORGAN, first of all. You are not Samuel L. Jackson. A movie does not become popular just because you yell "motha fucka". Only Sammy Jack can do that. I, personally saw Snakes on a Plane just to be amused by that one line. After that, yes, I was fully satisfied. I've come to the conclusion that Samuel L. Jackson should be in every movie released in 2009. He doesn't even need a big role. Just say "FUCK" at some random scene during the movie. Like when Spiderman is chasing Green Goblin, just have that bald nigga sitting on bench reading a newspaper talking to himself like, "MY FUCKIN SOCKS ARE DAMP!!" He doesn't even need to be a character most of the time. Just as Jet Li decides he's going to take a swing at some half dead crusty looking mummy, there needs to be an interruption with Samuel L. Jackson sitting at a desk doing breathing exercises, and then yelling the word "FUCK".
This string of comic book movies is really pissing me off. Some of these guys aren't even real heroes with super powers. Incredible Hulk? Nah. WHO THE FUCK CAME UP THE IDEA TO PUT THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT ON STEROIDS? That's not entertaining. Ironman. Shit makes no sense. This man was supposed to be making a missile and somehow was able to pull off making an iron suit in the middle of a desert all while under total surveillance. How does that work? And then there's the worst of the worst: Batman. First off, Batman is not a real super hero. He has no powers. He's just a rich boy with gadgets and fly vehicles. Birdman (the Denver Nuggets basketball player) could be Batman if he really wanted to challenge himself. Someone please tell me how this man is not dead yet. If I EVER saw a grown ass man running around in a bat suit and cape, I would feel obligated to kill him. Why is it that every criminal feels the need to shoot him in the chest? STAB THAT MOTHA FUCKA IN HIS MOUTH. I'm certain he doesn't wear bulletproof lips God dammit. And I'm tight they named the movie The Dark Knight. When I hear dark night, I immediately think, "Wesley Snipes just walked in?" Forrest Whittaker is a very close second...that lazy eyed bastard. Anyway, Snipes IS TOO BLACK. Give that man some red lipstick and a turban and he is Mr. Popo (if you don't know who that is, google his picture immediately). What they should have named the movie was The Pale Pimp. This dude Joker has on a purple suit. This movie wasn't even about Batman; it was all about Joker. Matter of fact, I don't want to see an
other Batman movie simply because of the fact that the man who played Joker is dead and Morgan Freeman was in it for no reason. What was his role: make Batsuits? Sam Jackson could have done that and said "PUT ON THIS MOTHA FUCKIN SUIT" and this picture would have been so much better (especially in IMAX). And I swear to God if they come out with a Robin/Nightwing movie starring Shia LeBeouf, I'm purchasing a pair of Hulk Hands, soaking them in cement, and going to work on the director's face. After the proper facial abuse is inflicted I'll go check out the new Justice League movie that's coming out where Common is supposed to play the Green Lantern. I guess that's a different choice of casting. I guarantee, though, that if the Green Lantern was played by Sammy Jack, box office sales would be through the roof. All we need is one swift backhand with the hand holding the ring unleashed upon Wonderwoman along with a corresponding, "FUCK YOU WONDERBITCH! I RUN SHIT IN HERE" and the oscar for best film gets delivered ASAP. I'm telling you, Samuel L. Jackson is the golden ticket. He makes everything better. Replace Jigsaw with Sammy Jack and you could make another 17 Saw movies. Just rename it "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS CALLED SAW?" and it's an instant classic series. Matter of fact, I bet if you were to take the time to reread this and simply apply Samuel L. Jackson's voice to anything that's capitalized in this post, the entertainment (if any) from this post would skyrocket...
First of all...FUCK MOVIE THEATERS! I went to the movies the other day and tried to get a combo which consisted of a medium popcorn, M&M's, with a medium beverage, when the 78 year-old raisin that stood behind the counter informed me that it would amount to 17 cash. Word? I just paid $13 to get a ticket, and you mean to tell me I have to pay $17 more for some tasty snacks and beverages? So, I kindly told her, "no thank you" and immediately slapped her with the ham sandwich I smuggled in under my sweatshirt.
Anyway, on to these movies. What are directors thinking these days when they make up movies? ENOUGH WITH THE SEQUELS. I don't want to see another Mummy mo
vie. HOW MANY TIMES DOES ONE DEAD NIGGA HAVE TO COME BACK TO LIFE? I know what you're thinking. "Jet Li is in this one, so there's got to be more action." FUCK JET LI. Put him and Jackie Chan in the same room and who do you think will win??? Think long and hard. Of course, anyone would assume that Jet Li would wear Jackie Chan's ass out; holding his arm in the air as he repeatedly paddled those buttcheeks. In an empty room that may happen; however give Jackie a stool, a stapler, a pull up bar, or a Martha Stewart magazine and this little Chinaman will turn into a weapon of mass destruction. Saw 5??? I'm quite tired of watching people die in outrageously gruesome ways. I mean it was amusing in the first Saw...it was different; come on, 4 more movies of the same shit? Saw IV doesn't even deserve to be called a movie...shit's an extra long webisode. I feel like I could just skip that one and get all the details at the beginning of the next one from a mysterious guy with a deep voice like it's a Dragonball Z episode. Word to Mr. PoPo.Let's start off with "Wanted". Here's another Matrix style movie with characters jumping from building to building in slow motion while wearing sunglasses that surprisingly never leave their face nor fog up in hot situations. Ah, and apparently bullets curve now, making any form of strategic cover obsolete. I'm sick of it. What really gets me is: how do you get to become a phenomenal assassin by listening to Mr. Morgan Freeman? None of those children from Lean on Me became that gifted at shit. Shit, the fat boy wouldn't even kill himself! I mean they couldn't find anyone better to play that role? No one? Matter of fact, Morgan Freeman ain't do a damn thing in that movie. He just idly sat by as the white boy got his ass beat everyday. I wasn't aware that getting your ass whooped on a daily basis led to becoming some crazy super assassin. Before this movie hit the screen I read a movie review that read: "Morgan Freeman ups the ante in this action thrilled adventure..." I refuse to continue. MORGAN FREEMAN IS NOT TOUGH. This nigga just played GOD last year in Evan Almighty. Now this man is trying to turn over a new leaf by yelling "SHOOT THIS MOTHA FUCKA!"?? Sir, need I remind you, your name is MORGAN, first of all. You are not Samuel L. Jackson. A movie does not become popular just because you yell "motha fucka". Only Sammy Jack can do that. I, personally saw Snakes on a Plane just to be amused by that one line. After that, yes, I was fully satisfied. I've come to the conclusion that Samuel L. Jackson should be in every movie released in 2009. He doesn't even need a big role. Just say "FUCK" at some random scene during the movie. Like when Spiderman is chasing Green Goblin, just have that bald nigga sitting on bench reading a newspaper talking to himself like, "MY FUCKIN SOCKS ARE DAMP!!" He doesn't even need to be a character most of the time. Just as Jet Li decides he's going to take a swing at some half dead crusty looking mummy, there needs to be an interruption with Samuel L. Jackson sitting at a desk doing breathing exercises, and then yelling the word "FUCK".
This string of comic book movies is really pissing me off. Some of these guys aren't even real heroes with super powers. Incredible Hulk? Nah. WHO THE FUCK CAME UP THE IDEA TO PUT THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT ON STEROIDS? That's not entertaining. Ironman. Shit makes no sense. This man was supposed to be making a missile and somehow was able to pull off making an iron suit in the middle of a desert all while under total surveillance. How does that work? And then there's the worst of the worst: Batman. First off, Batman is not a real super hero. He has no powers. He's just a rich boy with gadgets and fly vehicles. Birdman (the Denver Nuggets basketball player) could be Batman if he really wanted to challenge himself. Someone please tell me how this man is not dead yet. If I EVER saw a grown ass man running around in a bat suit and cape, I would feel obligated to kill him. Why is it that every criminal feels the need to shoot him in the chest? STAB THAT MOTHA FUCKA IN HIS MOUTH. I'm certain he doesn't wear bulletproof lips God dammit. And I'm tight they named the movie The Dark Knight. When I hear dark night, I immediately think, "Wesley Snipes just walked in?" Forrest Whittaker is a very close second...that lazy eyed bastard. Anyway, Snipes IS TOO BLACK. Give that man some red lipstick and a turban and he is Mr. Popo (if you don't know who that is, google his picture immediately). What they should have named the movie was The Pale Pimp. This dude Joker has on a purple suit. This movie wasn't even about Batman; it was all about Joker. Matter of fact, I don't want to see an
other Batman movie simply because of the fact that the man who played Joker is dead and Morgan Freeman was in it for no reason. What was his role: make Batsuits? Sam Jackson could have done that and said "PUT ON THIS MOTHA FUCKIN SUIT" and this picture would have been so much better (especially in IMAX). And I swear to God if they come out with a Robin/Nightwing movie starring Shia LeBeouf, I'm purchasing a pair of Hulk Hands, soaking them in cement, and going to work on the director's face. After the proper facial abuse is inflicted I'll go check out the new Justice League movie that's coming out where Common is supposed to play the Green Lantern. I guess that's a different choice of casting. I guarantee, though, that if the Green Lantern was played by Sammy Jack, box office sales would be through the roof. All we need is one swift backhand with the hand holding the ring unleashed upon Wonderwoman along with a corresponding, "FUCK YOU WONDERBITCH! I RUN SHIT IN HERE" and the oscar for best film gets delivered ASAP. I'm telling you, Samuel L. Jackson is the golden ticket. He makes everything better. Replace Jigsaw with Sammy Jack and you could make another 17 Saw movies. Just rename it "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS CALLED SAW?" and it's an instant classic series. Matter of fact, I bet if you were to take the time to reread this and simply apply Samuel L. Jackson's voice to anything that's capitalized in this post, the entertainment (if any) from this post would skyrocket...
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