Today, I sat down and reread my previous post regarding movies of the summer season. I feel as though regardless of the season, despite technological advances in making movies way more aesthetically pleasing, creativity is being sacrificed in the process. It seems rather than sitting down and blueprinting something new and revolutionary, Hollywood prefers to remake every graphic novel lining the shelves of Comic Book Kingdom. Does anyone realize that there were two (2) Incredible Hulk pictures made in the new millennium? No, it’s not a series. They are two different movies on the subject of the same story. This must have been how the meeting went with the board of the production company at the helm of this second Incredible Hulk movie:
Movie exec 1: “Let’s make another Marvel movie. Any suggestions?”
Movie exec 2: “How about The Incredible Hulk?”
Movie exec 3: “…wait. Didn’t that movie come out 3 years ago?”
Movie exec 1 pushes the red button on his chair’s armrest. Movie exec 3’s chair drops through a trap door beneath him.
Movie exec 1: (slowly turning in his swivel chair) “Hulk it is.”
Hollywood, just because you take my favorite relics from childhood, pump it full of CGI, and throw it on a big screen does not mean you have just created anything. Shit in a pan never tastes like mom’s brownies. Do you douchebags really think anyone wants to see Speedracer in 3D? Congratulations, your “creation” has successfully given my father a seizure. Did you ever stop to think that those who watched Speedracer as children enjoyed the basic animation and voiceovers? Putting your own creative spin on this classic only pissed off the Old School and gave the New School 2 hours to catch up on old text messages.
Anyway, since Hollywood is so hell bent on making blasts from the past, why don’t you use this gem I came up with while I was in the bathroom this afternoon (I do some of my best thinking while pinching off a loaf):
We need a remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The cartoon was great. Everyone bought the toys and video games. The first movie was a classic (everything to follow, not so great). Nevertheless, we need a creative spin to make this new movie relevant to the times. So we cast Turtles as people. We create the fantastic four as we cast Randy Jackson, Jack Black, Young Jeezy, and Dick Cheyney as the Turtles. Randy is the brains (because he wears glasses, duh) so he’s Donatello. Jack Black provides comic relief as Michaelangelo. Young Jeezy is Leonardo. I pick Jeezy to lead not because he exemplifies leadership qualities, but because I doubt any of the other three can fight and Jeezy would just thug his way into power. Finally, Dick Cheyney’s smart mouth and attitude makes him obviously qualified to play Rafael. Yes, you guessed it: Samuel Jackson will play the role of Splinter. Britney Spears will play April O’Neal. Personally, I dislike how the media chastises Spears for everything she does. Yet, I just want her to squeeze into that yellow jumpsuit. She’ll look like one of the Bananas in Pajamas and I (along with the entire theater) will laugh uncontrollably at any scene she is placed. The Shredder ONLY works if he’s played by Christopher Walken. Frank White wearing a purple cape and a silver helmet? WHAT?!?! That alone is worth my $12.50. When the Turtles have to fight the Foot Clan, the Foot will be cast by everyone from MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew. Dance battles will ensue. Now I was thinking, what if Dick Cheyney pulls a Heath Leger and can’t finish the film? We just recast Danny DeVito as Rafael. The only stipulation being that he must grow a ponytail like Tommy from the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. This formula is clearly bulletproof people. Now someone go out there and get themselves a little gold man.
Movie exec 1: “Let’s make another Marvel movie. Any suggestions?”
Movie exec 2: “How about The Incredible Hulk?”
Movie exec 3: “…wait. Didn’t that movie come out 3 years ago?”
Movie exec 1 pushes the red button on his chair’s armrest. Movie exec 3’s chair drops through a trap door beneath him.
Movie exec 1: (slowly turning in his swivel chair) “Hulk it is.”
Hollywood, just because you take my favorite relics from childhood, pump it full of CGI, and throw it on a big screen does not mean you have just created anything. Shit in a pan never tastes like mom’s brownies. Do you douchebags really think anyone wants to see Speedracer in 3D? Congratulations, your “creation” has successfully given my father a seizure. Did you ever stop to think that those who watched Speedracer as children enjoyed the basic animation and voiceovers? Putting your own creative spin on this classic only pissed off the Old School and gave the New School 2 hours to catch up on old text messages.
Anyway, since Hollywood is so hell bent on making blasts from the past, why don’t you use this gem I came up with while I was in the bathroom this afternoon (I do some of my best thinking while pinching off a loaf):
We need a remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The cartoon was great. Everyone bought the toys and video games. The first movie was a classic (everything to follow, not so great). Nevertheless, we need a creative spin to make this new movie relevant to the times. So we cast Turtles as people. We create the fantastic four as we cast Randy Jackson, Jack Black, Young Jeezy, and Dick Cheyney as the Turtles. Randy is the brains (because he wears glasses, duh) so he’s Donatello. Jack Black provides comic relief as Michaelangelo. Young Jeezy is Leonardo. I pick Jeezy to lead not because he exemplifies leadership qualities, but because I doubt any of the other three can fight and Jeezy would just thug his way into power. Finally, Dick Cheyney’s smart mouth and attitude makes him obviously qualified to play Rafael. Yes, you guessed it: Samuel Jackson will play the role of Splinter. Britney Spears will play April O’Neal. Personally, I dislike how the media chastises Spears for everything she does. Yet, I just want her to squeeze into that yellow jumpsuit. She’ll look like one of the Bananas in Pajamas and I (along with the entire theater) will laugh uncontrollably at any scene she is placed. The Shredder ONLY works if he’s played by Christopher Walken. Frank White wearing a purple cape and a silver helmet? WHAT?!?! That alone is worth my $12.50. When the Turtles have to fight the Foot Clan, the Foot will be cast by everyone from MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew. Dance battles will ensue. Now I was thinking, what if Dick Cheyney pulls a Heath Leger and can’t finish the film? We just recast Danny DeVito as Rafael. The only stipulation being that he must grow a ponytail like Tommy from the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. This formula is clearly bulletproof people. Now someone go out there and get themselves a little gold man.
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