Marriage? Sacred? Please...

Gather around children, Ellen Degeneres got married last week…to another woman. There’s so many things wrong with this picture...

First off, Ellen is 50 years old. This just might be my youth speaking but: who cares when the elderly get married anyway? Personally, I hate the Cha-Cha Slide, cougar cleavage is only sexy when seen on women adamantly AGAINST marriage, and everyone at the reception are either married or little children. So maybe I'm simply against elderly wedding ceremonies in general. However, I do believe that for females, once you hit that number 45 it should be a wrap for contemplating walking (or wheeling) down the aisle. You should have made moves when you were younger. I mean what’s the point? I feel like getting married anytime after the age of 45 is just for show. Basically, you have decided that you no longer want a name plate on your desk that reads the “Ms.” in front of your last name, because being an elderly "Ms." truly blows. Especially when you're not hot.  Oh, you don't think so? Remember back to your elementary school days: Ms. Capinigro at age 26 or 27 was the cool teacher you wanted to befriend outside of the classroom. Ms. Fiori at age 40 or 45 was the gym teacher with the sweatpants with no drawstring whose gender was god damn impossible to determine. Ms. Capinigro at age 26 stayed after school to support the drama club's spring production or painted her face in school colors to cheer on the soccer team during the night game against  rival school (and, secretly, we all played a little better for it); Ms. Fiori at age 45 carries a duffle bag full of dulled pencils and loose leaf paper and ultimately teaches health class because she/he? has ALL the sexual organs.

So Ellen, at the age of 50 you have decided to marry a 35 year old woman. Let’s further analyze this. She’s 35, meaning that you have in some way pulled a Michael Jackson and bribed this younger woman with magic, toys, and candy. What boggles me is trying to understand why this woman would want to marry Ellen Degeneres. She's actually pretty attractive and I know men and women who would romantically pursue her. The only reason I see this woman marrying Ellen is for that cash. Face it. Ellen, you married a bitch named Portia. This obviously means she’s going to divorce you, take half, go buy a real Porsche, and then look for a man who can give her some children (because she is still relatively young). I give your marriage three months tops...

However, Ellen your actions have gotten me to think about this topic of gay marriage. Some are really against it, and some are for it. I do not see the point in it and not because it's a partnership of two people of the same gender. I couldn't care less about that.  I just really don’t see the point of traditional marriage (whatever that means in 2008) to be absolutely honest. For the most part, today's marriage in America is a joke. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world. Perhaps we should petition the Olympic Committee to get rid of rhythmic gymnastics and add divorce to the Summer Olympics so America can tally another gold medal.  Gotta beat China by any means, right? Many say that marriage is that special time where you get to finally cross over into adulthood and start having “intimate relations” with the one person you love (insert the rollingest of eye rolls here). Let’s be real: We all started getting nasty right after our junior prom in high school. For those late-bloomers or ones who just didn’t play their cards right that prom night, it went down the first week (or at some point) of your college career. Now in the event that you have gone through an entire collegiate career without achieving any Mclovin', then the movie 40 Year Old Virgin is actually your biography, and I honestly hope an elderly Indian man takes you under his wing and aids you in your desperate search for some poon. Anyway for the rest of you normal people, once you have first accomplished intercourse (such a nasty word), you have successfully stepped into the breezeway of the building that is adulthood. And in adulthood, time tells us that you get married. Yet, times change! What marriage used to be defined as has completely changed. With advances in technology, health, human rights, etc. over the centuries, I don't even think we need the institution of marriage anymore as it historically existed.

Women are no longer considered property due to women's suffrage. Life expectancy is at an all time high due to health advances. Children can be born out of wedlock due to misreading the directions on the package of the Nuva Ring. Let's face it, everything we used to need marriage as a prerequisite for is no longer necessary. Now marriage is just a relic that we hold on to for some reason. Marriage is sacred? How sacred is marriage when Divorce Court comes on FOX? Does anyone watch the Bachelor, Bachelorette, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, or Bride-Zillas? Shit, why hasn't "MTV's True Life: I Fuck a Bitch Who Wears the Same Ring As Me" been filmed and aired yet? Don't get me wrong, I do not want to get rid of marriage all together just yet. I enjoy a reason to button the top button of my collared shirt, the themed weddings, free alcohol at the reception, and replacing the flower girl's flowers with poison sumac. However, I would prefer that everyone stop putting this "sacrament" on such a high pedestal. Has anyone ever stopped and thought about marriage? A man who is contractually obligated by the Lord to never TOUCH a woman has the power to "grant" another man permission to marry a woman. I'm actually scratching my head on that one. If you ask me, when someone gives me a real reason to believe that marriage is actually some serious event, then I will be able to formulate an opinion of whether I agree or disagree with gay marriage. Until then, I could care less that these homos are going around the LIFE board with two little pink tokens in their car. Still, I remain firmly against anyone getting married after age 50, unless you're Oprah Winfrey. It's time to marry Steadman, O; this on and off courtship charade has gone along far enough. (LIGHT BULB)...maybe Oprah's gay...