Dash's Guide to College Living (Section II)...

Ok...So I have already covered part of what it is required to be socially involved in the college environment. But let's try to remember the real reason why mom and pop are shipping you away to this institution of higher learning. Teaching yourself the physics of playing a flawless game of Quarters is hardly worth $30,000 a year in tuition. There's a necessary component to college that involves acquiring a degree of some sort. Despite my praise of the social aspects of collegiate life, I fully understand the necessity behind keeping a legitimate grade point average. If you don't make the grade, the parents take away the dorm where you get laid. Write that down. Now I'm going let you in on a little bit of information that could help you out with the book learnin' side of school. Believe it or not, getting a high GPA isn't all about perfect attendance and participating in every class you are enrolled. Sitting in the front of class and raising your hand for every question gets the same results in college as it did in high school: I steal your chocolate milk. You don't have to stay in your little cubicle of a dorm room on Friday nights completing papers to ensure your academic achievement. Instead, by knowing the following vital information, you will get through your college career with at least a quality 3.0.

#1. Math:Indians::Microsoft:Bill Gates. That's a little analogy for you, and my suggestion is to take heed. Indians OWN math. Indians have taken over the concept of math like Asians have taken over the art of popping and locking (sorry Omarion, but have you seen Kaba Modern or the Jabbawockies). Furthermore, they refuse to relinquish their supreme knowledge of numerals to anyone else like they invented the subject. Pure selfishness. Have you not noticed that 95% of upper level math classes are taught by Indian professors that can hardly speak English? Either that or they blatantly refuse to learn. It's a conspiracy. If you're lucky, you may get the pleasure of learning basic algebra from Mr. Smith; however, when it comes to learning Calculus with Professor Pallavi Chitturi, it's the end of the road for your mathematical education. The only way to actually pass this class would be to drop it before it's too late; take Introduction to Indian and then take calc again next semester GRANTED you get an A- in Intro to Indian. It's just not worth it and the cards are already stacked against you. While you struggle with balancing equations involving sines and cotangents, Nirav is sitting next to you dozing off because his father taught him all that shit during his summer vacation between 4th and 5th grade. When you were younger, you played with Legos and action figures. Nirav's teething ring, on the other hand, was a god damn calculator. Mathematics is passed down through their culture like a flask in the Fitzpatrick house. So trust me, if you really want to get a quality GPA, scratch any math related majors. You'll get tired of Kumar whispering to you, "chill fam, I got this" after all your incorrect answers.


#2. Pad Your Stats. Every college student has to follow a curriculum based on their major in which they have to take some core courses in order to graduate. The key to achieving good grades in these courses is picking the right classes. If you know you love to party during the week, you obviously don't want pick the earliest classes available. Make sure these classes fit into a schedule that is good for you. And when you are picking these classes, stick to things that you already know. You are not Aristotle. You do not need to learn everything that looks interesting to you. Chances are that 78% of the bullshit you learn in these classes will not be used at all after the semester is over. Which means that if you took Spanish I and II in high school, fuck it; start all over again at Spanish I in college. That's a guaranteed "A" and a 4.0 averaged into your stats. When it comes to selecting a course for your science requirement, Geology is the way to go. Yes, it's boring. But you get to go play with rocks 3 times a week and get yourself an A+. When looking for a class to fulfill your arts requirement, I recommend something culinary. It's a fine way to hone your ability to cook delicious meals. Face it, the women love a man who can make something more than Ramen Noodles or Easy-Mac. Do yourself the service of taking a cooking course, and I guarantee it will reward you one night later this semester. Moreover, you'll have 1-5 easy credits added towards graduating on time.



#3. CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT. You are in college now. No more of that high school, writing on your hand or rubber band bullshit. Time to step your game up. At the end of the day, no one cares how you pass, just as long as you pass. Chances are that you will have at least one difficult class each semester that you are going to struggle through. In order to pass them you need to know the various tactics of effective and stealthy cheating. You would think that cheating is easiest when in a lecture hall. Wrong. Professors think that they have eliminated the success of cheating by giving out different tests. Well I have found ways around this. Lectures can contain up to approximately 600 people, meaning that the instructor obviously cannot match your name with your face (unless you make it a habit of sporadically yelling out "O'Doyel Rules" in the middle of class). All you need is someone that knows the test material or someone in another section that has already taken the exam (and maybe a 20 dollar bill) to take the exam for you. It's that simple. Also, some teachers will put their lectures into media files on Blackboard where you can download them and put them on to your nifty little iPod. I must say I have bobbed my head to the beat of a final review during my entire final exam for 5 semesters. And when instructors are actually generous enough to allow the use of a single note card on a test, it is your scholarly duty to make at least 7 and rotate them throughout the test session. Who memorizes information in 2008? Not Dash and I advise you to follow my lead my young apprentice. I don't even write my own research papers. No, I don't believe this is plagiarism. Copying all your information from one source is bon a fide plagiarism. Redrafting information from an abundance of sources is what I like to call extensive research. Think about that.

Look. You know the deal: I'm dropping 3 gems and I'm out. Hopefully, you remain undeclared and take a lot of Golf and Tae Kwon Doe classes. I say this because the classes that actually make up your major and prepare you for your future profession (the classes that really matter)are the classes that you most likely will do well (if not change your god damn major). It's those bloody core courses that will attack your gpa. And here at Team Dashy, we feel that class should be the last thing stressing you throughout your college career. You have bigger fish to fry. Did you get that fat chick pregnant? Is health services open for late night emergency visits? How do you get all those porn pop-ups to stop attacking your roommate's laptop? I'm just saying...