The Great Society...

Facebook is such a marvellous invention. What started out as an opportunity for old friends to find each other and get reacquainted, has transformed into a global social network that has completely transformed the way people meet one another. Remember back to a time when you saw an attractive chick, you would ask your friends if they knew her; the next time you saw her you would talk to her, get her number and talk to her on the phone, maybe even chill or go to the party. Now, you see a cute chick and the first thing you do after you find out her name is run to the Facebook Gods. What has happened? Facebook is its own world and now you have an account of thousands of friends based on the pictures, applications, bumper stickers, and favorite quotes. I have news for you though: not everyone on your friend list is that. Different people use Facebook for different reasons. So, let me break down the different types of Facebookers...

The Polite. These Facebookers feel the need to accept every friend request, attend every event, and confirm every group invitation sent their way. This isn't because they are looking for Facebook fame and popularity, but because they do not want to turn down a new "friend". The Polite leave you posts on your birthday and tell you that your hair looks nice in your new profile picture. Sometimes they take the time to leave good remarks on every picture in the new album that you put up (even though half of those pictures consist of you posing in your bathroom fully dressed for no reason at all with the camera pointed towards the mirror). If your status implies that you are feeling ill or distressed they will send you some words of encouragement or a fucking teddy bear or band-aid. They may even send out a massive SuperPoke to wish everyone a Merry Christmas (personally, I like to throw Obamas at everyone on my friend list...repeatedly). However, The Polite do not usually get the same attention reciprocated. These polite Facebookers may visit the site 2 or 3 times a day.

The Oblivious. The Oblivious are those who seem like they are not even aware that they have a Facebook or do not know how to use it (anymore). This person probably started an account because they wanted to see what all the hype was about. My favorite excuse people use for signing up and remaining on Facebook: "networking." Whatever. Anyway, this category could include teachers, principals, parents and those from the "old school facebook days" who just do not care about learning how to use all of the ever evolving handy Facebook features. The Oblivious has no bumper stickers, rarely pops up in your mini feed, no trivia points, and keeps the same profile picture for years at a time. The Oblivious is not hip to any gossip that goes around Facebook because, like the ordinary student, he actually enjoys the company of people rather that viewing pictures of people. The Oblivious will also have pictures tagged by others but will never put up his own album. Anyway, it is obvious that The Oblivious Facebooker never checks their Facebook account...

The Party Promoter. These Facebookers are on a mission to add EVERY member in their network so that they can send you 74 messages a week reminding you about the party they have just set up. I swear to God if I receive another event invitation from the Jersey Boys. They have only given me more of reason to drop dirty diapers on Moorestown from my "I Hate New Jersey" blimp. The Party Promoter is constantly contacting you via mass message claiming that he is personally inviting you to the best party of the year even though he will invite the same people to the same party next week which happens to be at the EXACT same venue. Every party, by the way, is either a play off the title of some hot new hip hop single, some new definition of sexy, or pumped with a flyer with some video model that definitely WON'T be at the party. By the way, when I meet this "Golden Boy" who thought it was appropriate to make two profiles and marry himself, I'm getting on the phone and calling the real Golden Boy (Oscar De La Hoya) and paying him to jab you in the throat thrice. Also, The Party Promoter's name is constantly popping up in your mini feed as he adds more of your friends while trying to achieve utter social domination of your network. He's the one that gets you excited when you see that you have 7 new notifications only to find out that you have only been invited to the same event 6 times and he has invited you to a group where you can talk about it. Yes, it is the Party Promoter that makes your wall extra long because he wants to post ALL of the party information on it. He's the one that you hate, yet everyone on campus knows his name and face.

The Stalkers/Creepers. These Facebookers are among the worst. They will sit at their computers and look for attractive members of the opposite sex and then add them as friends (or worse: repeatedly poke them). The Stalkers are the ones that are actually brave enough to send you messages and photo comments saying that you are "sexy" or "cute". However, The Creepers will just visit your page everyday looking for changes on your profile. If your default picture or your status changes, expect a new Honesty Box Message. By the way, what is the purpose of an Honesty Box? That's the dumbest shit ever. All people ever do is either profess their undying love to their crushes...anonymously, or talk wild smack to their enemies...anonymously. Either way, anyone who writes in Honesty Boxes also checks the "PUSSY" box on applications that ask for ethnicity specification. But back to the Stalkers/Creepers. Most people have at least one person that lingers over their page and then stares eerily at you as you are seen walking around campus. Ladies, pay attention. Somebody is always watching you. ALWAYS. Shit, I have three chicks on my high alert list as we speak. These Facebookers log on to Facebook anytime they are able to access a computer with internet service. And you better believe that after they check their own profile, they are looking at any new picture you posted with you and your friend's breasts mashed against each other...

The Famished for Attention. This may also get broken down into 2 groups: the bored or the desperate. It may be boredom that drives these Facebookers or maybe they are actually starving for some attention. Their status changes literally 8 times a day so that they make sure you know exactly what is going on in their lives at every moment. They come out with a video every week that includes some form of dancing or some late night dorm room activities. The extreme ones even change their name every other day. I will let you in on a little secret: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU OR YOUR PROBLEMS. Your real friends might. Try talking to them...in person. Personally, I don't want to be tagged to another note that talks about your current trials and tribulations. I got my own shit to deal with. I do not want to listen to yours. God dammit, do you know what a "note" is in real life? Remember when you were in 4th grade and the girls in class had a marble composition book and they passed it around a group of 7 or 8 chicks? Yes, THAT is a note. Little bitches write notes about the teacher's gap in her teeth or Brian's new haircut or Emily being gay because she throws the football with the boys at recess. Furthermore, notes are written (I repeat: written) on lined paper in bubble letters from a pen with pink or baby blue ink. A grown man or woman should not be typing "notes" in FUCKING college. Ones that do this out of boredom should just go play intramurals or something. It's the ones that do it for pity or attention that make me want to find them with Sock'em Boppers on my hands and give them a REAL problem to whine about. These Facebookers only need to log on once a day because they NEVER close their window. They just repeatedly hit the home button waiting for something new to pop up.

The Application Addict. You already know who this is. Everybody knows that they have at least one Facebook Friend that is constantly inviting them to partake in applications such as Zombies & Vampires, Mob Wars, Ninjas & Samurai, Superlatives, Jetman, What's Your Stripper Name?, Happy Hour, Let's Make a Baby, etc. Nobody wants to play your games you gypsy. I do not want to make ANY virtual babies with you. And stop sending me drinks. If you want to be a real friend, take me to the bar and buy me a real one you cheap fuck. The Application Addict is the one that you can't leave a comment for because you cannot decipher whether it gets left on the Advanced Wall, Super Wall, or regular Wall. They send you 26 bumper stickers every 3 hours because it reminded them of you. The Application Addict is by far the most annoying Facebooker and makes you evaluate why you even accepted their friendship in the first place. The Application Addict spends a butt-load of time on Facebook annoying you with every quiz and application there is...


The Crazy Girlfriend. Oh yes this is my personal favorite. The one that adds drama and humor into your life. The Crazy Girlfriend also exhibits traits of The Stalker/Creeper. She's the one that's "married" to someone one day and then switches to "it's complicated" the next. She leaves her boyfriend a wall post every day because in her sick mind, she's marking her territory. It's more than likely that she checks her boyfriend's page before she actually looks at hers. And there's a very good chance that if you walked into her room unexpectedly you would catch her 3 pages deep into reading a wall-to-wall conversation between her boyfriend and someone else. She may call it "investigating". I call it "why are you fucking retarded". This highly unstable woman gets upset over the smallest things. Her boyfriend may commonly hear things such as "Who the fuck is this bitch you just added as your friend" or "you ain't even that close to this bitch, why are you on her Top Friends list?" She makes it impossible for her boyfriend to even have a Facebook account. When she sees him in a picture with another female she goes on a rampage, sending out wild Honesty Box messages stating "stay away from my man", or "I'm gonna fuck you up slut". Having this woman in your life means that you no longer have any female friends and have to duck camera flashes at every party you attend. Your tagged photos link leads to nothing more than multiple photos of you blocking camera lenses. Tragic. The Crazy Bitch (I mean Girlfriend) visits Facebook as much as an ordinary student, however her attendance to the site sky-rockets when she is suspicious something is going on...

Well in conclusion, I guess you're wondering how I feel about myself being involved in the Facebook Society. Just to let you know, if you found me on Facebook or if I found you, chances are you will probably NEVER see my real face. That's not because I don't like you but I believe before the Facebook existed, friends ACTUALLY knew what their friends looked like. So those who really know me, know what I look like. So unless of course you happen to hear my name called for attendance in one of your classes or something, I remain a glitch in the matrix: the faceless facebooker. If you build up the confidence to approach me and call out my name as I exit the classroom, I will just look at you blankly or run away screaming "STRANGER DANGER." Why you ask? Usually as people we try to be polite to make a good first impression when we first meet someone new. Well not I, said the fly. The first impression of me was spoiled the moment you went to my page saw the little negro Mario rocking the Obama pin as my profile's default picture and started reading this blog. So now there is no need to try because you THINK you already know me. Ah, Facebook...way to go on murdering the first impression for everyone...