The Gumbies...

Who would have thought that in 1954 when the clay animation Gumby first debuted that this green booger looking creature would be the forefather of a commonly worn hairstyle of the 90s decade? For those who do not know, Gumby was a heroic green block of clay who kept children entertained as it was featured on the Howdy Doody Show. Look, you may not know much about Gumby but he is the sole inventor of the “Gumby” cut, or also known as a variation of the high top fade. So I have decided to have my own awards ceremony known as “The Gumbies” where I will set the categories and award its winners. This is a relatively new awards ceremony and it has not yet reached the status of the BET Awards (so Lil Wayne and his skinny jeans will not be performing this year) but I promise sheer entertainment and the one and only Pokey will present the Gumby Vanguard Award for showing longevity in the field of high top fades. So without further ado...

The award for “The Whitest High Top Fade of All Time”
Although German native and Seattle Supersonics forward Detlef Schrempf, Canadian reggae artist Snow, and Vanilla Ice are all valid contenders for our first award, I must give the award for the Whitest High Top Fade to Kid from the rap group Kid N’ Play. This trailblazer in high top fadery is whiter than John McCain. The melanin challenged dancing rapper has consistently had the most well-groomed and artistically designed high top fade throughout the 90s. Now he does Wal-Mart commercials. Well played sir...

The award for “The Most Dancing While Donning a High Top Fade of All Time”
This category’s winner was initially a no-brainer with MC Hammer getting the Gumby trophy; however after a recount of the votes between MC Hammer, The Fresh prince of Bel-Air’s Will Smith, and Vanilla Ice, none of these nominees beat out Zack the Black Ranger from the first season of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Zack the Black Ranger, if you remember, was such an exquisite dancer that producers of the show made this jiggaboo actually dance as he fought enemies such as the Putty Patrollers. Way to go. All your jumping around inspired Omarion in later years. Thank you for this...

The award for “All Time Nerd with a High Top Fade”
The nominees: Doogie Houser M.D., Family Matters’ Steve Urkel, and Carlton Banks. The winner is clearly Steve Urkel. Even his “Cool Elixir” couldn’t make his white jeans something I would rush to TJ Max to purchase. Furthermore, you still have a high top fade today and you and Gary Coleman go to the same fucking therapist.

The award for “Most Influential Animated High Top Fade of All Time”
This was a tough category. Here we had running were Captain Planet, Hammerman, Vince Lasalle from Recess, Gerald Johansen from Hey Arnold!, and Mr. Sinister from X-Men. All of which were blown out of the water by the majority of the cast of Nickelodeon’s Doug. Doug Funnie, Skeeter Valentine, Roger Klotz, and Chalky Studebaker all sported a different variation of the high top fade thus allowing them to come up to the podium and accept their award while Killer Tofu plays in the background. Well done citizens of Bluffington…

The award for “Most Appearances as a Villain with a High Top Fade of All Time”
This was not a category initially. However, I figured Wesley Snipes hasn’t seen any real shine since the 90s anyway. However this man not only played Blade (the vampire nigga with wild parts cut into the sides of his scalp) but also the bleach blond high top fade having villain Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man, Nino Brown the leader of the Cash Money Brothers in New Jack City, the spotlight greedy saxophonist Shadow Handerson in Mo Betta Blues, and the money swindling Sydney Dean in White Man Can’t Jump. This black bastard has been able to play a villain with a high top fade for more than a decade. Congratulations on this as well as being the darkest nigga in China. Furthermore, whoever convinced Wesley Snipes that bleaching his hair and wearing blue contacts is the most diabolical man of all time. "Hey Wesley, you know what will REALLY get the panties to fall..."

And finally, the Gumby Vanguard Award for displaying incredible consistency in the art of wearing the high top fade throughout the ages: Listerine. I believe nothing needs to be said here…fuck yall.



Congratulations to all of our nominees...