Ode to the Sidekick....

What have I been doing with my life you ask? Very good question. I've been locked in my basement listening to every Jock Jams, Kidz Bop, and Wow! That's Music compact disk ever released. Don't judge me. They are just too addictive. But as I was listening to this marathon of terrible variations of past popular songs, something struck me. I HATE Kidz Bop. Why are these hyper little shits not taking a nap? Disturbia by Rihanna was annoying enough hearing it on the radio, and that was performed by Rihanna! What sick Mormon thought it would be genius to have record albums of children singing covers of current artists? And what's worse is that out of all the children singing in this mutant choir, you can only hear the voices of little Toby and Erin. Pedro and Tamika, however, have muted microphones on the day when the Jonas Brothers' Burning Up was to be recorded. Ironically, I sometimes think they were the only kids called on the day scheduled to do Jenny From The Block or 1, 2 Step...sick of it. Well, I'm tired of minority stars being pushed into the background. So at this time, I would like to give a few shout outs to all of the people that have been getting overlooked throughout the years. They just don't ever seem to get the credit that they deserve...

Everyone remember Doug Funnie? Yes, the All-American teenage boy that wrote in his journal every night about the events in his everyday life (kind of gay now that I think about it now). Well, I would like to give my first respect to his best friend Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine. And yes, anyone with blue skin is a minority in my book. Oh, how I have longed to get a t-shirt with a thunderbolt on it and a pair of matching knee pads just so that I could be like him. This man commanded attention by walking into a room and yelling "HONK HONK." Again, it is well documented that this man uses "HONK HONK" as his opening statement. Who else could get away with some shit like that? And don't forget about his ability to turn into Silver Skeeter. Silver Skeeter. I giggled a little when I wrote that. If only they knew the meaning that word would later take in American slang...

My next shoutout goes to a young man named Gerald Johanssen. Not only did he have the tallest and most well-groomed high top fade in cartoon history, but Mr. Johanssen may have been the most ambitious of all minority sidekicks. This little boy broke into into a radio station, put on the sexy voice, and got an entire city to turn off their lights just so he could witness a comet pass. Word? Not to mention the fact that he was able to pull a sixth grader into going with him to his fourth grade dance. He's the only fourth grader that had a job hustling watches for a company called Wacko's Mechandise. Gerald is also the associate of the mysterious character named "Fuzzy Slippers" who he learns all of his urban legends and stories from.

When talking about overlooked minority sidekicks, you can't forget about the most intelligent of them all. This one goes all to way to Dimmesdale where Timmy Turner's best friend A.J. resides. This little boy has the most perfectly, spherically shaped head of all time. Artists need a compass to draw him. And don't forget about the I Am Legend-esque lab in his room that appears at the push of a button. It was said in one episode that the only reason that A.J. still bothers to stick around in fifth grade is because Timmy's his best friend. Otherwise he would have been a graduating college senior at the age of 10. Word of advice A.J.: stop fucking with Timmy's buck-toothed, pink hat wearing ass and get that money son.

This next shoutout is for Jimmy Neutron's superhero inspired friend. Sheen Juarerra Estevez perhaps has some form of ADD and is constantly running around spazzing and screaming "ULTRALORD" at the top of his 12 year old lungs. Sheen has been held back twice, but his knowledge of the Ultralord action television and comic book series is quite extensive. He's obviously the muscle of Jimmy's trio, (Carl Weezer being the third) seeing as how he could easily wear each of them out with his Kung-Fu skills.

The last shoutout belongs to Jonny Quest's half brother Hadji. Dr. Quest adopted him after he saved his life. He proves to be the most unique of all the minority sidekicks, given that he has some type of telepathic or magical capabilities. Only he can strike fear into others' hearts by yelling, "Sim, Sim, Salabim!" He's also the only one that is always wearing a hat...