TUMail Evolution...

This would be the bullshit. My life is in absolute upheaval. This would not be caused by last week's election results, but because of the fact that Temple University feels as though it is necessary to "fix" things that don't need to be fixed. Why is it that people are always trying to innovate things that are already sufficient enough?

Well as we all know, Temple University Mail is now powered by Google (now isn't this just dandy...). Now I can receive AOL IM's, Facebook chat messages, AND chat bubbles all in my school's email. Just when I thought that there was nothing worse than that childish bubble pop you hear upon receiving a Facebook chat message (that pop noise is the one a 5 year old girl with a red juice mustache does with her gum in the desk behind me in kindergarten), I was exposed to this new "poomp" sound (yes...a "poomp") created by my new Gmail account. Outrageous. I shouldn't have to deal with this malarkey. It's almost impossible to stay OUT of contact these days. Do you know what this means? Anyone that has your Temple email address can attack you with a chat message at ANY time. I swear to God, if I hear that noise and look at that little window to the bottom right of my screen and it contains the name Professor Giammorco, that man is going to disappear and awaken half naked in a grimey and dimly lit room several days later with thousands of fully loaded staple guns around him and a vintage Talkboy tied to a string on his wrist labeled, "I want to play a game" (it's 2008...I can't find a tape recorder anywhere).

Besides this emerging issue of being utterly vulnerable to the new evils of spontaneous communication, after I touch a mouse and double-click the Internet Explorer icon (p.s...I've just received a "poomp" message from my mother via TUmail) I see that I have lost ALL of my emails from before November 13, 2008. Please let me find the idiot who came up with the BRILLIANT idea to delete everyone's emails halfway through a semester (and what do we call that period of time? oh yes: midterm time). I was getting along just fine by emailing papers to myself instead of purchasing a flash drive. Now my inbox that had archives upon archives of perfectly edited academic papers on various subjects has been thoroughly depleted. Was this change that important that it could not wait until winter break? Winter break: you know, that time when there are no classes! I feel as though I could have made it the rest of the semester without the pointless extra features of Gmail and the deletion of email addresses of TA's and instructors. What do I need a photos link in my email for? Isn't that why Facebook exists? This shit is nonsense...

On top of all this, now I have to deal Temple University's everlasting technical issues. Why is it that I am required to change my password every 84th hour? I am quite certain no one wants to read the thousands of spam messages I get via TUmail. Now after being mandated to change my password, I can't even get into my email account. Somehow, even though I had to type it TWICE to verify the change, the server tells me that my password is incorrect. Oh really, server? I JUST CHANGED THIS SHIT 3 MINUTES AGO. You would think there would be an easy way to reset your password in a situation like this. Nope, absolutely not. Click on the "forgot password" link and look at the security questions that they give you. How the hell are going to ask me questions about myself that I don't even know? Who do think you are, server? I do not remember what time I was born nor who my favorite pop singer was at the time I registered my account. What ever happened to entering your birthday or your social security number? Now security is based on whether or not someone can guess what your favorite Dr. Seuss book was when you were five. This shit is pitiful...

A Letter to Black America...

Here we are, finally. I am sitting in my living room writing this post on the Eve of the 2008 Presidential Election. Tomorrow on November 4, 2008 history will ultimately be made. Either the Republican Party creates history and seats a woman in the Vice Presidential position or the democrats will forever be able to claim it is the party of the first black president. Nation, tomorrow is a great day indeed; however I guarantee regardless of the outcome on November 4, 2008, it will be the events of the remainder of the week that will live in infamy. Look, normally I write posts simply to make others laugh; this post does not have that objective entirely. In fact, this may be one of my most ignorant posts to date, but I feel its topics need to be brought to the attention of America. So, without further ado, this is my letter to a select few of Americans:

Dear Black People,
I will begin with this: I think we can agree that if Senator McCain wins tomorrow it will indeed be yet another stolen victory for the Republican Party. It was sad in 2004 and it will feel 10 times as worse if it happens again in 2008. Never has America been so close to putting a Black man in the highest office of the land. Not only is he a Black man, Obama is also incredibly charismatic, educated, motivated, and eager for leadership of a nation in tumultuous times. He was not a last minute candidate thrown on the ballot. Remember back to the primaries where it looked like if you were a democrat you could run for the democratic ballot? How many candidates did the Democratic primaries start with again? Let us not forget that some of the same people that are quick to throw on a “Barack the Vote” t-shirt today were thoroughly supportive of Hilary Clinton when she was attacking his experience. So, we (and by “we” I mean Americans…not just black people) truly have someone running that is worth voting, and not just the lesser of two evils as was the case in ‘04. So I guess it’s imperative that everyone who wants an Obama administration get out there and vote. What do I not endorse? In the event Senator McCain wins, Black America: do not get enraged and decide to destroy everything. Look back at the Rodney King verdict. We do not need a Black nation deciding to cry “fuck it” as we burn our communities down for the remainder of the week because we were robbed by the Man again. Think. Who really wants the icing of another stolen victory to be “McCain brings peace to the streets after election riots”? I’m not saying don’t be disheartened by a possible McCain win tomorrow. I’m saying don’t give White America a reason to make John McCain and Sarah Palin tragic heroes instead of thieves.

Now, on the flip side: in the event Obama receives this deserved victory, BLACK PEOPLE JUST GO IN THE HOUSE! Let me make this next statement very clear: Barack Obama is not (I repeat, IS NOT) O.J. Simpson. They may have the same walk but I assure you, if Black America reacts to the election results like we did for the verdict of the O.J. trial, it will be a terrible look. This is not the Super Bowl or the World Series. Do not be a “nigga” and end up on the evening news hanging from a light post. Do not be a “nigga” and call out of work on Wednesday simply because “we got a black president now.” Do not be a “nigga” and make up any dances that have “Obama” in its title. If I so much as hear of an Obama Samba, I will become a terrorist and only target Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevards around the nation. I promise. Black America, if we are so lucky to get a Black Man as Commander in Chief, don’t you think we should do our best to NOT make it difficult for him? Expectations are high enough. Don’t make this man declare martial law because “niggas” are making him look bad. Furthermore, do you know how embarrassing it will be if his first address to the nation has to with him sitting behind a desk and his opening statement starts with, “Niggas, it’s time to cut the shit…”? I know I will feel rather empowered should Obama win this election. Will I decide to set flame to every white car I see? No. Will I point at every white person I see and say, “ha-ha” like Nelson from the Simpons? No. Will I date white women? You better believe it baby. The fact of the matter, however, is we should follow Obama’s lead when it comes to humility. There have been numerous times when I’ve wanted Barack to give McCain the People’s Elbow. I think we’ve all wanted Barack to get a little hood to some degree when the red side attacked him. However, he showed restraint. Restraint is the word of the week Black America. Should he win, restrain yourself from running in the streets praising Jesus. Restrain yourself from going to the club and “poppin bottles” in the name of Obama (knowing full well the cable bill hasn’t been paid). Restrain yourselves Black America. You want to celebrate and still satisfy your inner-nigga? Watch Soul Plane. Period.

Look, should Senator Obama become President Obama, he’s got a lot of work to do. He’s inherited a terrible economy and an ongoing war. This isn’t something that is easily dealt with. We have lived in a fantasy world for the passed 20 months where we have let ourselves believe that the president has the power to change the course of the nation with a stroke of his pen, when in actuality that is not how U.S. government operates. He is not going to be able to solve all of the nation’s problems in a week, month, or even a year. With that, conservatives are going to be quick to attack him. Black America, now is the time to really band together. If we can “come together” to support R. Kelly or Michael Jackson, we for damn sure better come together and not turn our backs on the First Black President. We are so quick to build ourselves up only to turn our backs on each other when we achieve success. Please believe that if Obama becomes president it’s because Black America put him there. So…let’s protect our investment.

Niggas don’t fuck this up,

MachineGunDashy

Ring Tone Regulation...

Peak-a-boo you mark ass busters! For some reason as I begin to type this post, I can’t help but hear the opening line of Mase’s “Welcome Back” on loop in my mind. Welcome back…welcome back…welcome baaaaaaaaaacckk. Yes, guys and gals (I sound like Sarah Palin) it has been quite a long time since I last tapped the keys of my laptop to leave you with some words of wisdom. October has been an enlightening month for me, I must say. I’ve been earning a decent and honest pay check and then investing it in the drug game (mostly pills). I’ve been going to my classes; this way I have an alibi when my instructors find their tires slashed. I’ve been hunting women like quail almost nightly. Amazingly, I have yet to catch syphilis. Look, the month of October has been a fulfilling month. The month isn’t over though. For Halloween, I plan to dress up as Max Payne…and kill myself. What an awful movie…

Nation, I was on an elevator today. As I was coming down from the 21st floor, it stopped on the 15th where a relatively young (I would say he was about 27) white guy proceeded to squeeze into the elevator. As we are smoothly descending toward the lobby the same man’s phone starts to ring. By ring, I mean “Gold Digger” by Kanye West starts playing. (SHE GIVE ME MONEY) I was so startled. Whose phone needs to be that loud? I could have sworn it was coming out of the elevator speakers. (NOW I AINT SAYIN SHE A GOLD DIGGER) the white guy pulls out his phone and flips it open. I immediately get annoyed because this douche bag has some way gotten service on an elevator. So either he has Verizon…or he’s a gypsy of some sorts. (SHE GIVE ME MONEY) why is this man’s phone still singing? I look in his direction and I notice that he is looking down at his screen. I guess he was debating on whether he wanted to pick the call up or not while the song played. (GET DOWN GIRL GO ‘HEAD GET DOWN) Jesus Christ when did that song even come out? It’s 2008. I look over to see why the phone is still making noise only to observe that he has decided to let it play out as he ignored the call. He was actually bobbing his head to the bum ass sound quality of his phone’s speaker. (HE LEAVE YO ASS FOR A WHITE GIIIIIIIIIIRRRL) I’ve decided to slit his wrist with my pen cap. Just then the elevator reached the lobby and he exited the elevator. It was then that I realized this: America, we need ring tone regulation!

My people, unless you are between the ages of 9 and 17, you are NOT allowed to purchase ring tones (or ringbacks for that matter) for your mobile device. Mother, “Fergalicious” should not play when you get a phone call from my brother’s high school principal. What in Harry Potter’s wand happened to the phone going “ring ring?” Are you cool now because you’ve turned your Fav Five into a Blink 182 playlist? Although YOU may like the songs you put on your phone, you’re only playing these once popular tracks out and pissing off everyone around you. Ring tones are for children who have yet to experience the sheer beauty of an iPhone. Only if you’re a child, I expect you to invest in a couple jingles to go along with your trendy glittered phone clip. However (taking a deep breath), if you have “A Milli” by Lil Wayne as your standard ring tone…and you ride the FUCKING train, I’m releasing rabid dogs in your neighborhood on Halloween night. What sense does it make for you to have an Easy E track as a ring tone, but your voice message sounds like this: Good day! You’ve reached the mobile device of Anthony Bainbridge of the Bainbridge & Skyles Firm. Unfortunately I have missed your call and would truly appreciate it if you would leave a detailed message as to why. Thanks a ton and have a great day…BEEP. Nation, I propose that your voice mail message should parallel your ring tone should you decide that you need ring tones on your phone. So if “Miss Independent” is your ring tone, your voice mail should start like this: “Fuck niggas…only bitches making paper on they own can say shit after the beep”. If you prefer “Put On” by Young Jeezy, this is your voice mail’s message: “HA HA (Jeezy laugh) nigga I be missin calls like shit (LIKE SHIT) so you gotta leave a message (A FUCKIN MESSAGE) or I aint callin you back (DAAAAAMN)”. And for you older folks, if you want any Michael Jackson song, no matter what your voice mail says there needs to be the sound of swings and children’s laughter in the background. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

Look, if we don’t stop this ring tone obsession, who knows what can happen. What? Am I going to come home tomorrow night and BET is hosting the first annual Ring Tone Awards? What happens when the song is not enough? One day when our phones ring, if you have a ring tone not only will the song play, but so will the Dave Myers directed video. Do you know how screwed up my day will be if a Missy Elliot video pops up on my phone every time I get a call? So please, America, leave these ring tones alone. Let the kids play with them and you just stick with “ringer 3” that COMES WITH THE PHONE!!!