The Great Society...

Facebook is such a marvellous invention. What started out as an opportunity for old friends to find each other and get reacquainted, has transformed into a global social network that has completely transformed the way people meet one another. Remember back to a time when you saw an attractive chick, you would ask your friends if they knew her; the next time you saw her you would talk to her, get her number and talk to her on the phone, maybe even chill or go to the party. Now, you see a cute chick and the first thing you do after you find out her name is run to the Facebook Gods. What has happened? Facebook is its own world and now you have an account of thousands of friends based on the pictures, applications, bumper stickers, and favorite quotes. I have news for you though: not everyone on your friend list is that. Different people use Facebook for different reasons. So, let me break down the different types of Facebookers...

The Polite. These Facebookers feel the need to accept every friend request, attend every event, and confirm every group invitation sent their way. This isn't because they are looking for Facebook fame and popularity, but because they do not want to turn down a new "friend". The Polite leave you posts on your birthday and tell you that your hair looks nice in your new profile picture. Sometimes they take the time to leave good remarks on every picture in the new album that you put up (even though half of those pictures consist of you posing in your bathroom fully dressed for no reason at all with the camera pointed towards the mirror). If your status implies that you are feeling ill or distressed they will send you some words of encouragement or a fucking teddy bear or band-aid. They may even send out a massive SuperPoke to wish everyone a Merry Christmas (personally, I like to throw Obamas at everyone on my friend list...repeatedly). However, The Polite do not usually get the same attention reciprocated. These polite Facebookers may visit the site 2 or 3 times a day.

The Oblivious. The Oblivious are those who seem like they are not even aware that they have a Facebook or do not know how to use it (anymore). This person probably started an account because they wanted to see what all the hype was about. My favorite excuse people use for signing up and remaining on Facebook: "networking." Whatever. Anyway, this category could include teachers, principals, parents and those from the "old school facebook days" who just do not care about learning how to use all of the ever evolving handy Facebook features. The Oblivious has no bumper stickers, rarely pops up in your mini feed, no trivia points, and keeps the same profile picture for years at a time. The Oblivious is not hip to any gossip that goes around Facebook because, like the ordinary student, he actually enjoys the company of people rather that viewing pictures of people. The Oblivious will also have pictures tagged by others but will never put up his own album. Anyway, it is obvious that The Oblivious Facebooker never checks their Facebook account...

The Party Promoter. These Facebookers are on a mission to add EVERY member in their network so that they can send you 74 messages a week reminding you about the party they have just set up. I swear to God if I receive another event invitation from the Jersey Boys. They have only given me more of reason to drop dirty diapers on Moorestown from my "I Hate New Jersey" blimp. The Party Promoter is constantly contacting you via mass message claiming that he is personally inviting you to the best party of the year even though he will invite the same people to the same party next week which happens to be at the EXACT same venue. Every party, by the way, is either a play off the title of some hot new hip hop single, some new definition of sexy, or pumped with a flyer with some video model that definitely WON'T be at the party. By the way, when I meet this "Golden Boy" who thought it was appropriate to make two profiles and marry himself, I'm getting on the phone and calling the real Golden Boy (Oscar De La Hoya) and paying him to jab you in the throat thrice. Also, The Party Promoter's name is constantly popping up in your mini feed as he adds more of your friends while trying to achieve utter social domination of your network. He's the one that gets you excited when you see that you have 7 new notifications only to find out that you have only been invited to the same event 6 times and he has invited you to a group where you can talk about it. Yes, it is the Party Promoter that makes your wall extra long because he wants to post ALL of the party information on it. He's the one that you hate, yet everyone on campus knows his name and face.

The Stalkers/Creepers. These Facebookers are among the worst. They will sit at their computers and look for attractive members of the opposite sex and then add them as friends (or worse: repeatedly poke them). The Stalkers are the ones that are actually brave enough to send you messages and photo comments saying that you are "sexy" or "cute". However, The Creepers will just visit your page everyday looking for changes on your profile. If your default picture or your status changes, expect a new Honesty Box Message. By the way, what is the purpose of an Honesty Box? That's the dumbest shit ever. All people ever do is either profess their undying love to their crushes...anonymously, or talk wild smack to their enemies...anonymously. Either way, anyone who writes in Honesty Boxes also checks the "PUSSY" box on applications that ask for ethnicity specification. But back to the Stalkers/Creepers. Most people have at least one person that lingers over their page and then stares eerily at you as you are seen walking around campus. Ladies, pay attention. Somebody is always watching you. ALWAYS. Shit, I have three chicks on my high alert list as we speak. These Facebookers log on to Facebook anytime they are able to access a computer with internet service. And you better believe that after they check their own profile, they are looking at any new picture you posted with you and your friend's breasts mashed against each other...

The Famished for Attention. This may also get broken down into 2 groups: the bored or the desperate. It may be boredom that drives these Facebookers or maybe they are actually starving for some attention. Their status changes literally 8 times a day so that they make sure you know exactly what is going on in their lives at every moment. They come out with a video every week that includes some form of dancing or some late night dorm room activities. The extreme ones even change their name every other day. I will let you in on a little secret: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU OR YOUR PROBLEMS. Your real friends might. Try talking to them...in person. Personally, I don't want to be tagged to another note that talks about your current trials and tribulations. I got my own shit to deal with. I do not want to listen to yours. God dammit, do you know what a "note" is in real life? Remember when you were in 4th grade and the girls in class had a marble composition book and they passed it around a group of 7 or 8 chicks? Yes, THAT is a note. Little bitches write notes about the teacher's gap in her teeth or Brian's new haircut or Emily being gay because she throws the football with the boys at recess. Furthermore, notes are written (I repeat: written) on lined paper in bubble letters from a pen with pink or baby blue ink. A grown man or woman should not be typing "notes" in FUCKING college. Ones that do this out of boredom should just go play intramurals or something. It's the ones that do it for pity or attention that make me want to find them with Sock'em Boppers on my hands and give them a REAL problem to whine about. These Facebookers only need to log on once a day because they NEVER close their window. They just repeatedly hit the home button waiting for something new to pop up.

The Application Addict. You already know who this is. Everybody knows that they have at least one Facebook Friend that is constantly inviting them to partake in applications such as Zombies & Vampires, Mob Wars, Ninjas & Samurai, Superlatives, Jetman, What's Your Stripper Name?, Happy Hour, Let's Make a Baby, etc. Nobody wants to play your games you gypsy. I do not want to make ANY virtual babies with you. And stop sending me drinks. If you want to be a real friend, take me to the bar and buy me a real one you cheap fuck. The Application Addict is the one that you can't leave a comment for because you cannot decipher whether it gets left on the Advanced Wall, Super Wall, or regular Wall. They send you 26 bumper stickers every 3 hours because it reminded them of you. The Application Addict is by far the most annoying Facebooker and makes you evaluate why you even accepted their friendship in the first place. The Application Addict spends a butt-load of time on Facebook annoying you with every quiz and application there is...


The Crazy Girlfriend. Oh yes this is my personal favorite. The one that adds drama and humor into your life. The Crazy Girlfriend also exhibits traits of The Stalker/Creeper. She's the one that's "married" to someone one day and then switches to "it's complicated" the next. She leaves her boyfriend a wall post every day because in her sick mind, she's marking her territory. It's more than likely that she checks her boyfriend's page before she actually looks at hers. And there's a very good chance that if you walked into her room unexpectedly you would catch her 3 pages deep into reading a wall-to-wall conversation between her boyfriend and someone else. She may call it "investigating". I call it "why are you fucking retarded". This highly unstable woman gets upset over the smallest things. Her boyfriend may commonly hear things such as "Who the fuck is this bitch you just added as your friend" or "you ain't even that close to this bitch, why are you on her Top Friends list?" She makes it impossible for her boyfriend to even have a Facebook account. When she sees him in a picture with another female she goes on a rampage, sending out wild Honesty Box messages stating "stay away from my man", or "I'm gonna fuck you up slut". Having this woman in your life means that you no longer have any female friends and have to duck camera flashes at every party you attend. Your tagged photos link leads to nothing more than multiple photos of you blocking camera lenses. Tragic. The Crazy Bitch (I mean Girlfriend) visits Facebook as much as an ordinary student, however her attendance to the site sky-rockets when she is suspicious something is going on...

Well in conclusion, I guess you're wondering how I feel about myself being involved in the Facebook Society. Just to let you know, if you found me on Facebook or if I found you, chances are you will probably NEVER see my real face. That's not because I don't like you but I believe before the Facebook existed, friends ACTUALLY knew what their friends looked like. So those who really know me, know what I look like. So unless of course you happen to hear my name called for attendance in one of your classes or something, I remain a glitch in the matrix: the faceless facebooker. If you build up the confidence to approach me and call out my name as I exit the classroom, I will just look at you blankly or run away screaming "STRANGER DANGER." Why you ask? Usually as people we try to be polite to make a good first impression when we first meet someone new. Well not I, said the fly. The first impression of me was spoiled the moment you went to my page saw the little negro Mario rocking the Obama pin as my profile's default picture and started reading this blog. So now there is no need to try because you THINK you already know me. Ah, Facebook...way to go on murdering the first impression for everyone...

Dash's Guide to College Living (Section I)...

WAKE UP GOD DAMMIT. It’s the month of September and it’s that time of the year again. College orientation and move-in has come and gone and now it’s time to get into the swing of things. For those of you just starting out on this college adventure, you’ve already experienced your new student orientation where the cafeteria food was for some reason utterly delicious and the sight of the multitudes of fresh new women was even more appetizing. Never in your life have you ever met more engaging people. Everyone wanted a new friend so it was easy to spark up a conversation about socket wrenches and made a potential lifelong buddy. Every chick had a life story of some sort which you’ve actively ignored as you internally plotted how you were going to in some way seduce her AND any other female that walked by while she was talking. You’ve already experienced back to school shopping and then packing up all your stuff and cramming it into your parents’ minivan for move in day. You’ve had that awkward conversation with your future roommate about the life and death stuff: where are you from…what’s your major…are you bringing the fridge because I’m bringing the x-box. Now, you have actually moved in to that 40x40 white cube you will spend the remainder of the year living. Young man, WELCOME TO ACADEMIA!!! Now let your education begin…

Firstly, allow me to state this: there is so much more to “higher learning” than going to class, maintaining a high grade point average, participating in extracurricular activities, and resume building. All of that is necessary, I assure you. However, when you go home for Christmas break and are sitting around one night with the old gang and everyone is telling stories of their first semester away from home, no one is going to give two shits about how high your GPA has gotten. They’re going to be too busy praising the ground your boy Terry walks on because he has accomplished knocking down the teaching assistant from his Intro to Lit course in the university’s library stacks…TWICE. Yes, Terry is the man, but HEY you have a 3.76 grade point average; so theoretically Terry should work for you one day. Yet, because Terry seems to exude such unparalleled social skills, it could be possible that one day you could work for him and I guess that’s not very fair. So even though I support academic achievement, I still think it is very vital to conquer other areas of college that do not include Scan-Tron sheets and cramming John Locke passages late into the night. So below are some areas of higher learning that aren't taught from a woman with 17 degrees:

Have NO LESS than 10 Disney DVDs (7 animated and 3 unanimated). Oh, you think this shit is gay? Well that’s just the type of thinking that won’t get you any vagina in what should be the most effortless booty-accomplishing time of your life. Rule number 6 in the Dashy Guide to College Achievement: Bitches love Disney shit. By having Disney movies (because DVD dates are extremely affordable on a college budget as well as the gateways to an evening of opportunity) shows a girl that A) you don’t mind watching something that she might like or brings back nostalgic memories, B) it’s the perfect opportunity to cuddle up under the blanket on your sofa or bed, and C) every Disney flick has romantic portions that are very opportune for you to make your own move. By no means do I think women are stupid, but this is a proven way of starting off an evening with a woman quite well. Many times have I paused The Lion King during “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” to feel some fucking lovin’ of my own. And I swear to God, once you master the “Disney-as-my-wingman” tactic, you will NEVER even get passed the opening credits of Finding Nemo. NOTE: If you have 10 Disney DVDs you need to have at least 20 DVDs that are not animated or child related. A college male with only Disney movies is just creepy…

Master the art of Facebook and AIM: The Facebook has become the number 1 social network in America. Even my mother is on Facebook. AIM Instant Messaging used to be the most common means of communication besides text messaging among teens and college students. Yet, Facebook has added Facebook chat and it's growing. But still, you can use the powers of Facebook to initiate conversation and then use AIM to keep your subject engaged and intrigued. With that being said, it's necessary to harness the powers of these two mediums and use them for your own purposes. Despite what your parents and grade school teachers always told you, everyone loves a wise guy. No one reads Facebook profiles unless they are interesting and/or funny. Women particularly don’t care that your favorite movie is 300. But I guarantee you’ll catch someone’s attention if you type: "I enjoyed going to see Sex in the City three times. And each time I dressed up as Ironman, the Hulk, or Hancock and punched any man I caught in the theater NOT dressed up like Ironman, the Hulk or Hancock." Who really cares about the “About Me” section? Just type something obscure and maybe someone reads it. The objective of Facebook gets accomplished by the first part of this compound word: your FACE. This would be why so many people scramble to put up their most attractive pictures (whether it’s the picture from last weekend’s party or from your 8th grade formal). Side note: it really isn’t cool seeing what you chicks do in the bathroom. I see these dumb fucking albums you post every Monday. What the fuck possesses you bitches into going to a bathroom and taking pictures of each other next to soap dispensers? Who wants to see a bitch posing in a bathroom with damp hands? I really hate that shit. I actually have put together a task force of myself and three friends dedicated to busting these female bathroom operations. We are equipped with bulletproof vests, tear gas, and tazers. Bitches, you have been warned. Anyway, it is the profile picture alone that will get you implemented into the Facebook culture. The better looking (or in some cases, the more creative) your profile picture appears, the quicker you will discover friend and group requests, and event invitations when you log in. Moreover, I understand that we all hate when our inbox gets filled with message reminders from party promoters and frat house party updates; but they will keep you in the loop of the social life on and around your college community. Remember, some of you may not be 21 and can’t just walk into a nearby bar. You need to know who’s throwing these bangers around your campus. So don’t be so quick to “decline” a friend request from Raymond “I-throw-the-illest-most-coked-out-flyest-bitches-havin’-newest-music-bumpin-parties-of-all-time” Wellington III. Facebook can be very influential to your college career. However, I warn you that the more you immerse yourself into the Facebook culture, the more likely the Facebook will turn on you (i.e. photos popping up of you in the background raiding the frat house refrigerator or tonguing down one of the muscular softball chicks).

Learn Greek: Every college has Greek Life on its campus. Explore that. According to the TV shows and the movies, these are supposedly the WILDEST parties of life. We're talking about the KY Jelly wrestling matches, indoor beach parties, live band keggers, Golf Pros & Tennis Hos themed parties, etc. The frat houses are three floors of sex, drugs, and rock & roll (literally) located all around your campus. Every Thursday through Saturday evening they are open to all the students to get their groove on. Of course the ladies are getting in for free. The frats want the women, but the women want more than just the frat guys. So that’s why they let non-Greek guys in. But as a non-Greek guy, they are going to charge you, especially if the party has yet to get popping so to speak. So when you get there, and you initially pay between $2 and $15, make sure you get your money’s worth and put in ground work as you get to know the brothers throwing the shin-dig. I don’t recommend you kiss ass because then they are going to think you want to pledge and then they will definitely charge you everytime they see you (and probably ask you to stick around to help clean up afterward). Just enjoy the party and make yourself a fixture as a cool guy looking to party so that when you show up at their door next week they let you in for free because they know you’re down to make a great party. Furthermore, Greek parties are where the magic (and mushrooms) happens. So embrace the frats. Some of the guys in can be dicks, but you’re just using their house as a setting to hone your social skills and set yourself up for future stories that will define your collegiate career in ways only described as Van Wilder-esque.

Well, I can’t give you all the jewels of my handbook at once so you’re just going to have to stick around for further ways to develop a better social education. Just understand that although many universities have different environments, demographics, and campus staples, these three aspects of a college will remain the same regardless of where you go to school. So get out there and find a chick on Facebook. Get her to message you her screen name. Then ask her to meet you at a frat house where you got the hook up with the brothers who can score you the good weed and secret liquor stash on the upper floors. Then after the party, bring her back to your dorm room, offer her some Easy-Mac, and pop in Toy Story. And take that chick to infinity and beyond...