Ode to the Sidekick....

What have I been doing with my life you ask? Very good question. I've been locked in my basement listening to every Jock Jams, Kidz Bop, and Wow! That's Music compact disk ever released. Don't judge me. They are just too addictive. But as I was listening to this marathon of terrible variations of past popular songs, something struck me. I HATE Kidz Bop. Why are these hyper little shits not taking a nap? Disturbia by Rihanna was annoying enough hearing it on the radio, and that was performed by Rihanna! What sick Mormon thought it would be genius to have record albums of children singing covers of current artists? And what's worse is that out of all the children singing in this mutant choir, you can only hear the voices of little Toby and Erin. Pedro and Tamika, however, have muted microphones on the day when the Jonas Brothers' Burning Up was to be recorded. Ironically, I sometimes think they were the only kids called on the day scheduled to do Jenny From The Block or 1, 2 Step...sick of it. Well, I'm tired of minority stars being pushed into the background. So at this time, I would like to give a few shout outs to all of the people that have been getting overlooked throughout the years. They just don't ever seem to get the credit that they deserve...

Everyone remember Doug Funnie? Yes, the All-American teenage boy that wrote in his journal every night about the events in his everyday life (kind of gay now that I think about it now). Well, I would like to give my first respect to his best friend Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine. And yes, anyone with blue skin is a minority in my book. Oh, how I have longed to get a t-shirt with a thunderbolt on it and a pair of matching knee pads just so that I could be like him. This man commanded attention by walking into a room and yelling "HONK HONK." Again, it is well documented that this man uses "HONK HONK" as his opening statement. Who else could get away with some shit like that? And don't forget about his ability to turn into Silver Skeeter. Silver Skeeter. I giggled a little when I wrote that. If only they knew the meaning that word would later take in American slang...

My next shoutout goes to a young man named Gerald Johanssen. Not only did he have the tallest and most well-groomed high top fade in cartoon history, but Mr. Johanssen may have been the most ambitious of all minority sidekicks. This little boy broke into into a radio station, put on the sexy voice, and got an entire city to turn off their lights just so he could witness a comet pass. Word? Not to mention the fact that he was able to pull a sixth grader into going with him to his fourth grade dance. He's the only fourth grader that had a job hustling watches for a company called Wacko's Mechandise. Gerald is also the associate of the mysterious character named "Fuzzy Slippers" who he learns all of his urban legends and stories from.

When talking about overlooked minority sidekicks, you can't forget about the most intelligent of them all. This one goes all to way to Dimmesdale where Timmy Turner's best friend A.J. resides. This little boy has the most perfectly, spherically shaped head of all time. Artists need a compass to draw him. And don't forget about the I Am Legend-esque lab in his room that appears at the push of a button. It was said in one episode that the only reason that A.J. still bothers to stick around in fifth grade is because Timmy's his best friend. Otherwise he would have been a graduating college senior at the age of 10. Word of advice A.J.: stop fucking with Timmy's buck-toothed, pink hat wearing ass and get that money son.

This next shoutout is for Jimmy Neutron's superhero inspired friend. Sheen Juarerra Estevez perhaps has some form of ADD and is constantly running around spazzing and screaming "ULTRALORD" at the top of his 12 year old lungs. Sheen has been held back twice, but his knowledge of the Ultralord action television and comic book series is quite extensive. He's obviously the muscle of Jimmy's trio, (Carl Weezer being the third) seeing as how he could easily wear each of them out with his Kung-Fu skills.

The last shoutout belongs to Jonny Quest's half brother Hadji. Dr. Quest adopted him after he saved his life. He proves to be the most unique of all the minority sidekicks, given that he has some type of telepathic or magical capabilities. Only he can strike fear into others' hearts by yelling, "Sim, Sim, Salabim!" He's also the only one that is always wearing a hat...

The Gumbies...

Who would have thought that in 1954 when the clay animation Gumby first debuted that this green booger looking creature would be the forefather of a commonly worn hairstyle of the 90s decade? For those who do not know, Gumby was a heroic green block of clay who kept children entertained as it was featured on the Howdy Doody Show. Look, you may not know much about Gumby but he is the sole inventor of the “Gumby” cut, or also known as a variation of the high top fade. So I have decided to have my own awards ceremony known as “The Gumbies” where I will set the categories and award its winners. This is a relatively new awards ceremony and it has not yet reached the status of the BET Awards (so Lil Wayne and his skinny jeans will not be performing this year) but I promise sheer entertainment and the one and only Pokey will present the Gumby Vanguard Award for showing longevity in the field of high top fades. So without further ado...

The award for “The Whitest High Top Fade of All Time”
Although German native and Seattle Supersonics forward Detlef Schrempf, Canadian reggae artist Snow, and Vanilla Ice are all valid contenders for our first award, I must give the award for the Whitest High Top Fade to Kid from the rap group Kid N’ Play. This trailblazer in high top fadery is whiter than John McCain. The melanin challenged dancing rapper has consistently had the most well-groomed and artistically designed high top fade throughout the 90s. Now he does Wal-Mart commercials. Well played sir...

The award for “The Most Dancing While Donning a High Top Fade of All Time”
This category’s winner was initially a no-brainer with MC Hammer getting the Gumby trophy; however after a recount of the votes between MC Hammer, The Fresh prince of Bel-Air’s Will Smith, and Vanilla Ice, none of these nominees beat out Zack the Black Ranger from the first season of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Zack the Black Ranger, if you remember, was such an exquisite dancer that producers of the show made this jiggaboo actually dance as he fought enemies such as the Putty Patrollers. Way to go. All your jumping around inspired Omarion in later years. Thank you for this...

The award for “All Time Nerd with a High Top Fade”
The nominees: Doogie Houser M.D., Family Matters’ Steve Urkel, and Carlton Banks. The winner is clearly Steve Urkel. Even his “Cool Elixir” couldn’t make his white jeans something I would rush to TJ Max to purchase. Furthermore, you still have a high top fade today and you and Gary Coleman go to the same fucking therapist.

The award for “Most Influential Animated High Top Fade of All Time”
This was a tough category. Here we had running were Captain Planet, Hammerman, Vince Lasalle from Recess, Gerald Johansen from Hey Arnold!, and Mr. Sinister from X-Men. All of which were blown out of the water by the majority of the cast of Nickelodeon’s Doug. Doug Funnie, Skeeter Valentine, Roger Klotz, and Chalky Studebaker all sported a different variation of the high top fade thus allowing them to come up to the podium and accept their award while Killer Tofu plays in the background. Well done citizens of Bluffington…

The award for “Most Appearances as a Villain with a High Top Fade of All Time”
This was not a category initially. However, I figured Wesley Snipes hasn’t seen any real shine since the 90s anyway. However this man not only played Blade (the vampire nigga with wild parts cut into the sides of his scalp) but also the bleach blond high top fade having villain Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man, Nino Brown the leader of the Cash Money Brothers in New Jack City, the spotlight greedy saxophonist Shadow Handerson in Mo Betta Blues, and the money swindling Sydney Dean in White Man Can’t Jump. This black bastard has been able to play a villain with a high top fade for more than a decade. Congratulations on this as well as being the darkest nigga in China. Furthermore, whoever convinced Wesley Snipes that bleaching his hair and wearing blue contacts is the most diabolical man of all time. "Hey Wesley, you know what will REALLY get the panties to fall..."

And finally, the Gumby Vanguard Award for displaying incredible consistency in the art of wearing the high top fade throughout the ages: Listerine. I believe nothing needs to be said here…fuck yall.



Congratulations to all of our nominees...