Dear Mr. Michael Phelps,
May I call you Mikey? That was a rhetorical question, Fival; you do not answer. You sir, have successfully and utterly baffled me. Just where did you come from? How is it that in the span of two weeks you were able to grasp the hearts and minds of every single female in the United States of America? Some could argue that I am a hater but I think it needs to be said: you play in water. You swim. First and foremost, why is swimming even considered an Olympic sport? Actually, we might as well take a look at today's Summer Games overall: Archery. Come on Olympics Committee. Why are you still legitimizing this as a sport? There's nothing athletic about a man murdering a bull's-eye with an arrow from 100 paces. You think I care that this man has heat seeking arrows or that his bow has a scope and infrared lasers attached to it? Yes, Olympic archers purchase their equipment from the same stores highly trained assassins frequent. Fantastic. The archer has successfully proven that he can spend his money to transform his arm into a Swiss army knife rather than starting a college fund for his children. Bravo. Your kids can't go to college but they can say pop was William Tell. Christ. Fencing? Understand this: I will shoot any idiot that approaches me with a sword. Period. I win ALL the gold medals for the independent country of Dashtoria (don't try to pronounce it; it's impossible). And badminton? This would be the "sport" where you are required to hit a "birdie" over a net and no matter how hard you swing, the birdie will just gently float downward. I think the ONLY way one who plays badminton should ever qualify for an Olympic medal is if they play with a live grenade. Even still, tin should be the highest medal awarded. Synchronized diving? My disdain for this event is only equaled by that I have for those smug son a bitch announcers doing the event's commentary. First, it's clearly evident that these two grown men spend 16 hours a day jumping off of a diving board together. I don't approve of this message. Second, as they attempt to perform the exact same dive simultaneously, these announcers suck their teeth and groan as they point out on national television when one diver points his toe as opposed to the other curling his. If it's synchronization you seek, I'll make sure to have my fist perfectly clenched so you announcers and divers can all have synchronized blackened eyes and matching missing teeth.
Finally, I am led to your event, Mr. Phelps. This would be the event referred to as "swimming back and forth"...a lot.
Seriously, I really do not care how fast you can swim across a pool. I do not care how many times you can swim the length of the thing either. You want to impress Team Dashy? Swim the god dammed Atlantic. Better yet, just swim from Atlantic City to Bejing. I'll be waiting on a dock in Bejing and gladly toss your gold medal into your mouth like it's feeding time at Sea World. You want to be Aquaman, then prove it. Forget the pool baby. Race a dolphin. What kind of pussy tries to validate his craft by challenging those who are simply mediocre? When I'm feeling rowdy, I don't stand out front of the local gym and pick fights with guys who just bench and squat. Oh no Mr. Phelps; unlike you, I am a man. When I'm feeling the need for a good fight, I fly to Africa and kick a lion while he's having sex. Yes, mid stroke...I don't give a fuck. I do this because a lion is a seasoned fighter and why prove myself to man when it is obvious that animal is vastly superior in this craft of whooping ass? You know why else I refuse to justify your success in the pool? Swimming will not help you in a real life dire situation. Despite how well you perform in a chlorine saturated pool, I honestly doubt you can escape an angry shark (we can test this theory later if you like...it's always Shark Week somewhere). A real Olympic sport like track helps you in real life situations. Answer me this Phelps: do you see any Kenyans in jail? NO. Do you know why? Because the police can't catch these bare foot niggas. They will run for days, head bobbing back and forth, until they reach safety. You go ahead and try to swim away from the cops, Michael Phelps. They won't even chase you. They'll just send Shaq the Sheriff to the opposite end of the pool...and wait. Despite what everyone thinks, you will have to come up for air eventually, Michael. Can't out-swim science, jackass.
But back to how you have somehow brainwashed all the females of America. This shit is crazy. Oh, I'm hating. Really. I recently heard a female openly admit, "I don't care how his ears look, I just want him to dangle his 11 gold medals over my bed and fuck me." WHAT? Alright Tila Tequila, if it's the noise you desire, I have wind chimes and such; I could even hang some red and blue pots and pans over the bed if it's the sound you seek. I hope you fully understand how much I hate you, Mikey. My hatred for you has surpassed that of which I have for T-pain and Ronald McDonald combined. Normally, this would be the point where I decide to enlighten you on how I would take your life or in some way sabotage any of your further efforts to make history in accomplishing the most Olympic Gold medals ever. No. Not today. I am simply bewildered at the fact that people are deeming you the world's greatest athlete because you have a couple Gold medals. You, Michael Phelps, are not the world's best athlete ever. If some hysterical little girl runs up to you screaming, "Michael Phelps, world's greatest athlete of all time, have sex with my under-aged body!" you must (either before or after you sex her down) swiftly jab her in the kidney and make her understand you are not the world's greatest athlete of all time. I will say that attaining an Olympic Gold Medal is very difficult for the common man. To achieve 9, is damn near impossible. Moreover, to swim (to swim well) is also not an easy task. However, for you to be deemed as the world's greatest athlete of all time, don't you think you should be able to do a little more than simply...swim? I mean shit. What happens if some Russian comes to the Olympics in 2012 and gets 13 medals in fencing? Do you think he's just taken your title? Michael Phelps, along with continuing to successfully swim better than anyone else in the world, this is what you must do to maintain this "greatest athlete ever" moniker:
- get a medal (gold, silver, magenta...I don't fucking care) in the poll volt while wearing a peg leg
- simply make the roster of the Angolan national basketball team
- win a 100m dash but run next to runners who are actually competing; and when you're interviewed afterward just calmly state, "I thought we were running from something."
You know what? Despite even completing this list, you still will never be the world's best athlete ever. I reserve that title for anyone who has ever donned a New York Yankees uniform. These guys are a fraternity of athletes who not only excelled in success among their peers; still many of them were fat, womanizing alcoholics. You have trained every day for an entire lifetime. Babe Ruth looked like a bowling ball. Mickey Mantle came to the plate wreaking of pussy and perfume. Why should you deserve the title of best athlete ever when a professional baseball player can crank out homer after homer while hung over? Furthermore, have you ever tried to steal 2nd with a bad case of the crabs? I think not Michael Phelps. I think not...
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