Hip-Hop in 2009...

Season 3 bitches! New music...new topics...new set up. I'm back and I'm feeling this red look, I must say. Plus, I'm going back to the good ole days when Bad Boy was on top. I'm now trying to make my readers involuntarily Harlem Shake whenever reading one of my posts. So what is in store for the new year? We've got a black First Lady, a Justice League movie is in the works, and we are still debating on whether or not college football needs to replace the BCS with a playoff bracket. I've spent the past winter collecting dvds and trying to become the undisputed king of all iTunes. I have purchased a new digital camera, so I shouldn't have to say it but I will: bitches beware. I've actually been plotting an elaborate scheme involving kidnapping Dakota Fanning with a potato sack. That doesn't sound too elaborate, but I am actually a wizard when it comes to...potato sacks. Ah, and sudoku is the devil. For now though, I'm trying to make out what is in store for Hip-Hop in this new year...

This last year was a tragedy for Hip-Hop. I don't even know if most of the music that was created this last year could even be considered actual Hip-Hop. My last twelve months were dedicated to building an unyielding hatred for Soulja Boi and his inability to spell, read, or speak proper English. Not to mention, his Superman song inspired thousands of unsupervised 14 year old children to dance for their little brother's camera phone as he "cranks" a new dance of his own. Consequently, Soulja Boi is the sole purpose of millions of people wasting countless hours of their lives watching YouTube. Oh how I HATE you Soulja Boi. <------ And does anyone see that shit?? How the fuck hard is it to spell SOLDIER BOY. If I hear another grown ass man scream "YAH, BITCH!! YAH!!" I'm digging out Christmas tree ornaments and stabbing him in his forehead with the hooks. Why do people love Soulja Boi Tell 'Em so much? Matter of fact, what is Soulja Boi telling me, exactly? I can hardly make out what he's saying, and if I could, it would probably just give me the urge to slap the platinum out of his mouth. I would join Ice-T's army any day. Actually, I wouldn't...Ice-T, you can get slapped, too. Soulja Boy, someone told me that in a magazine, you once said you had a 4.0 GPA in high school but didn't want to go to college because "I wanted to become successful like Kanye West." I immediately took the shoelace out of my left shoe and choked him until he fell asleep. I refuse to believe such lies. You sir, wouldn't get a 4.0 if you were tested on material from one of your own albums.

And even if that statement was true - of all people, you chose Kanye? No Biggie? No Hova? Not Snoop, or even Luda? You pick Kanye West? Am I the only person who heard this 808's & Heartbreak album? Oh, and I use the term "album" loosely, because 11 tracks is not an album; that's an extended demo tape. Do you understand that this greasy nigga just released an R&B album without even having the ability to actually sing? Yes, R&B. Look, singing in autotune for 2 minutes and letting the beat ride for another 4 minutes is not Hip-Hop, Mr. West. Moreover, thank you T-Pain for unleashing autotune on the world. It's gone too far. Thr33 Ringz sounded like three songs on repeat (thus the essence of the album's title). Even T-Pain's videos look the same: black crusty nigga popping and locking in front of colorful computer enhanced backgrounds. AND he had the audacity to try and rap with DJ Khaled co-signing in the background. I won't even get started on you DJ Khaled (whom I simply refer to as Aladdin Hussein). You, sir, have sickened me with all these songs you claim are yours, yet you only ad-lib in the background. I only wish I could play 3 notes on a flute, and oompa loompas appear and take you away while singing a clever song...in autotune...

I happened to come across a survey in my Facebook mini feed the other day that said "Who are the 5 greatest rappers of all time". Well, that's an easy answer for me as I always swiftly answer, "Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan...and Dylan." Dylan is actually in a tie with himself for the fifth seed. But I was shocked when I saw names like The Clipse, Young Chris, and Fabolous mentioned (...no comment). I was infuriated to see Lil' Wayne's name appear on people's lists multiple times. This nigga Lil' Wayne is getting on my last nerve. All these tracks are just unnecessary I think. You don't get an award for most songs released in a year. His latest songs just have him mumbling random bull shit using autotune now. I could have sworn I heard this little nigga say he liked eating purple skittles and McGriddles while watching Snoop Doggy Televizzle on Tuesday afternoons. Lollipop Remix...second verse...look that shit up. This man makes so many songs that he could fill an entire iPod Nano to its capacity. I want to punch you in the spine Lil' Wayne. And I saw that shit with you kissing Bird Man. Nigga you gay. As gay as a bathing ape...

If Hip-Hop isn't dead, then it definitely looks like Christopher Reeve right about now. The only way for it to be revitalized is if more artists like Jeezy, Common, Luda, Talib Kweli, etc. make more contributions. I'll tell you what isn't helping (and never has helped) the game: Tupac albums featuring artists he has never met. No, it's not hot hearing a Tupac track featuring Bow Wow! Perhaps someone needs to rough up Eminem's daughter so he can get back to his violent lyrical rampages that made my middle school years so great. Perhaps, we need another relevant Hip Hop empire. Was it so long ago when Bad Boy dominated the mid 90s? Does anyone remember Rocafella owning the early 2000's? Jay-Z, Freeway, Young Gunz, and Kanye West: all Rocafella and all went platinum. I talk a lot of shit, but it's normal for the game to go through some slumps from time to time (i.e. the Reggaeton era) and I'm not too worried. So, please excuse me as I leave to go and do my part. I, apparently, need to contact Beanie Sigel to rectify this Soulja Boi situation...

I Will "Take That" No More Diddy...

Let me open up this passage with a simple question directed solely to Mr. Sean "Diddy" Combs: Since when did you rule the world? For some odd reason, you have come to believe that you have become the king of the music/entertainment industry. How you have come to this conclusion about yourself baffles me and anyone else who might witness you all over television acting the complete fool. Now I can't watch the rest of the nonsense "reality" shows that come on MTV because you, sir, have decided to make not one, but TWO bullshit bands. Mind you, we don't even bring up the very first band you attempted to assemble (even though that band was BY FAR more entertaining than any of your more recent creations). Yes, I am obviously talking about the tribe of ignorant hoodrats you so eloquently named "Da Band". Do you know how much America loved Da Band? Every single week, my high school physics teacher wouldn't even give my class homework on nights when your very first Making the Band was scheduled to air. Do you know how much my friends and I laughed at the sheer sight of Ness, who struggled with weight issues and strongly resembled Goo from Nickelodeon's "My Brother & Me" or Wendel from "The Parenthood"? We thought you was just showing America your sense of humor by effectively recreating Dave Chappelle's idea of the Mad Real World by putting these miscreants in one home. Anyway, Da Band was the worst group of all time; however what made them cool was the very fact that every week you would shut the studio down and you refused to acknowledge Dylan as the greatest rapper of all time. Yet, today you've got these suburban bands who just make us angry. Aside from all the flashing lights and semi-humorous interruptions with Diddy wearing oversized shirts saying statements like "Long Live The King," there is nothing entertaining about this show. And, where do you get the names of these bands from? Danity Kane? STOP PUTTING "DK" IN LIGHTS. Unless you plan on having a giant gorilla come out on the stage to kidnap one of your blond performers, I don't want to see it. I hope a little Japanese man from Nintendo sees this and sues your ass, Diddy. And let us not forget about Day 26. You might as well chalk that project right now. I happened to catch their music video one day during the two hour time block that "Music Television" actually plays a couple music videos. After watching this nonsense I was 100% certain that their choreographer, without a shadow of a doubt, taught this routine while in a wheelchair. I've never seen so much arm motion in my life. And who thought that it was acceptable to put in special effects to make it look like they were in the matrix? You are all doofuses (doofusi?) and I hope your plane crashes...and then of course Diddy will make millions from a tribute track...

I must move on before I get thoroughly disgusted and punt my laptop. While watching this MTB4 (by the way, WE'RE ON SEASON 9 JACKASS), I actually thought that I could catch a break when the commercials finally came on. But NO...what else do I see? I see you Mr. Combs, fully dressed in a well tailored suit, seated in a chair telling me that you have another show airing on VH1 entitled "I Want to Work for Diddy". The idea of this show just gives me the willies. First off, who in his right mind would want to work for you? You are not Donald Trump. You sign artists that make one hit and are never heard from again. Oh you need examples? What ever happened to B5? They're probably dropping some background vocals on Sesame Street (and the 24 year old brother in the group is PISSED). 8Ball & MJG are terrible. I'm leaving 8Ball (who humorously resembles an 8 ball so his stage name does not impress) a Baconator in his mail box, and I will video tape his disappointment when he discovers it is made entirely of rubber and squeaks when squeezed. 112 was a legit R&B group as they whined out bedroom classics. But I hear they have broken up over money issues (because Diddy needs all that cash). Loon, Dream (Diddy's first set of white girls), Kane (Diddy's WHITE RAPPER PROJECT), and G Dep: WHO? All Mario Winans ever did was cry on every single track. True Story: there's an interlude on his album where he blows his nose for 7 seconds. Carl Thomas. How the shit are you on a label called BAD BOY and you have the softest voice of all time?! Black Rob most likely got shot on a corner due to his excessive need to keep it real and mumbled "WHOA" as he died while sprinkling crack on himself. Shyne is never getting out of prison and is definitely scraping money together to sponsor a hit on Diddy. I'm certain Faith Evans is irrelevant in 2008. And your former sidekick Mase became a preacher and then somehow joined G-Unit as "Murder Mase" (still having the slowest flow of all time). Let's face it Danity Kane and Day 26: as soon as your shows are no longer on the TV at night, Diddy will rob and rape you (figuratively and literally).  Then you too can claim to have had hits or classics but now work as head hostess in your hometown's Chilli's.

If your "stars" can't even keep employment at Bad Boy, how are these normal people going to survive? You got fat boys running around New York in their underwear claiming that he is the Applesauce Bandit and women ripping out their own eyelashes just for amusement on http://www.diddy.com/. How is this even considered training for becoming an assistant of some sort? Can you actually put "Diddy's Applesauce Bandit" on a resume? This show should just be called "Diddy's Bitch". While I do enjoy watching America's underclass complete ridiculous challenges, it also saddens me that they are doing it for a man who is ridiculed for his main claim to fame: ad-libbing on other artists' tracks as he whispers "...take that, take that...". TAKE WHAT DIDDY?!?! Congratulations. You made the exclamation used after winning a round in Battleship an actual quote the Valedictorian used in his speech at graduation last June. How is it that you achieved so much success? How is it that Biggie's sidekick stole all the spotlight once he died? You should have gone to jail because I think you killed that large man. That's right I said it. Diddy orchestrated the East Coast/West Coast war so he could inconspicuously rise into relevance. Well done sir...hit 'em while no one's looking.

And this new show that you are coming out with where you are trying to make "the next pop star" should be X'ed before you even begin. I can't take 3 Diddy influenced shows on the air at the same time. After seeing what is going on with Donnie your "budding" solo star on ice, I am convinced you will never succeed in this endeavor. This poor white man moves like Pinocchio as he jerks his body across the stage. He will never be a Justin Timberlake or Usher or anything that even resembles a qualified dancing R&B artist. Sigh...It's over for Bad Boy Entertainment Mr. Combs. The only entertainment I now receive from Bad Boy is the fact that you thought you could revive the careers of New Edition. You should be slapped with O.J.'s gloves dipped in dog shit. Just accept it...when you thought it was necessary to hold a press conference to urgently announce that you no longer wanted to go by "Puffy" but "P. Diddy" AND THEN hold another news conference a year later alerting America to simply "drop the P from P. Diddy", you solidified your picture in the Funk & Wagnall's Dictionary next to the term "Village Idiot." You once held the world in the palm of your hand. You had a hit factory pumping out classics I still bump today (I will forever throw my rolly-less wrist in the sky and wave it side to side whether the song is playing or not). 2 of my closest Asian friends and I still have a shiny suit hanging up our closets. I STILL try to drive backwards at 50mph on empty roads. You not only invented the remix, but you and J.Lo invented the "power couple." I loved you Puff Daddy (pause). But when you became Diddy, you became all that was wrong in the world...

Old People: You Don't get off the Hook That Easy...

Ah, but the old people. Yes, you get the spotlight also. Where shall I begin?

How about I start with LL Cool J? Yes, we'll start with this shiny bald headed jacked up midget that has been lingering around the Hip-Hop world for over two decades now. Jesus, has anyone took the time to realize that his first name is comprised of the same letter twice? (sigh) Sincerely, from me to you LL (and I actually pronounce that as "La-La"): how about you go do the running man around the mouth of a volcano, promptly. Who do you think you are? Please, ENLIGHTEN me. LL Cool J means "Ladies Love Cool James"? Maybe back in the 80's buddy. Today perhaps it should mean "Little Laxatives Calm James". You are an old fart. And stop lifting weights! Didn't you get the memo: niggas use guns in the new millennium. I hope you know that I'm plotting on hunting you like deer, James. When I find you, I first plan to tie you up and repeatedly peg sandwich bags full of marbles at you. Then I'm going to steal thousands of Barbie dolls from little girls all across the nation; I will strip them naked and cut off their hair and then leave these hairless plastic dolls on the ground all around your tied up body. I will then reveal your location to thousands of angry little 8 year old girls. We will see how much these Ladies Love you then, Cool James. I wonder how cool you actually will be when you are found shirtless in a warehouse getting ATL stomped by tall toddlers in Payless heals. Another thing: how did you build up the audacity to make a song where the chorus is "I'm Your Baby" when you are clearly old enough to be a grandfather? Supposedly you were born in 1968 meaning that you are currently 40 years old. This would explain your recently excessive need to shave your face and head entirely. Going for that wet seal look, eh? Nonetheless, you are still too damn old to be attempting to make music (unless you decide to take up jazz flute) that requires you to be overtly sexual or gully. Remind me but don't you have a mortgage? You know what, I would rather listen to DJ Khaled hum over this track rather than listen to your horrible "flow" tarnish this record as well as The Dream's rising career. Do you understand that you said that your wife (and it has to be your wife you're talking about or your wife is as dumb as you) "makes her booty clap on the floor of the kitchen?" Talking about how she "plays Bingo" and "rides Mandingo." I assure you that no one wants to picture this. You know who really doesn't want to picture this: your god damn kids, James. Have you forgotten that you have 4 children? You think THEY want to hear about mommy's bootyclappin' superpowers (sidenote: yes everyone, booyclappin' is indeed a superpower worthy of the Key to the City)? Let's not mention that they go to school with children that sadly listen to your music ONLY to ridicule your kids during lunch hour. Fantastic, James. Your children are scarred for life because you just can't let go of the game. Give it up. You are no longer the object of females' affection. Women don't care about your slow and sensual rap ballads anymore...or you licking your lips for that matter. Reality check: Lil Wayne has a track out called Pussy Monster, and these bitches like it...

Another old one that needs to just give up: Kid Rock. You were born in '71. Guess what? You are no longer a KID and emu is the new ROCK in this millennium. GROW UP PETER PAN. Now don't get me wrong; I do like alternative music. It's a very close second to my appreciation for Hip-Hop. However, I never liked you Kid Rock. Jesus, I hate saying your name. I shall call you by your birth name Robert Ritchie. I hate you. Let's sit back and take a look at some of your music starting with that horrible song in which you yell out random syllables like you have turrets syndrome. "Bawitdaba da-bang-ga-dang diggy-diggy" WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO TELL ME? I should slap you with a dictionary AND thesaurus (and no, Robert Ritchie, a thesaurus is not a dinosaur). Learn some real words. You're a grown ass man; you have no excuse. If Mush Mouth from Fat Albert can do it so can you. And then there is "Cowboy" which I feel is the real reason that Brokeback Mountain was indeed produced. How this song did not make the soundtrack is beyond me. This song came out in '99. There are no cowboys anymore. I am certain of this. Do yourself a favor Robert Richie, go get LL Cool J so you can hang out with someone your own age. I'm sure Ice Cube has a family barbecue coming up soon. If you're lucky, maybe he'll give you two cameos in the next Barbershop movie.

T-Pain, you're pissin' me off...

(sigh)...

you know, I enjoy Hip Hop music. In all actuality, I enjoy multiple genres of music. But Hip Hop is one that I must say I enjoy the most. With that, I have noticed that Hip Hop (like any genre of music, literature, film, etc.) goes through eras. The year is 2008, and apparently this would be "The T-Pain Era" where this bleach blond dreadlocked having coon has reincarnated the Zapp Band and the talk box. In 2005, Mr. Pain came on the scene with "I'm Sprung" and introduced a whole new generation to a voice that seemed impossible to achieve. It was like a robot, an angel, and some nails to a chalkboard went into a studio (one obviously not shut down by Diddy) and gang banged the Blue Opera alien woman from the movie The Fifth Element (check that out by the way). Anyway, the sound was incredibly "unique" and made 12 year old boys going through puberty feel a little more comfortable with themselves. Well now it's 2008, the T-Pain'in isn't so unique anymore, and no longer does T-Pain have to "sing" on your track to get you a hit. Now, for roughly $200 you can own your very own talk box and pop out a hit single in the T-Pain voice. And by listening to the radio today, you having that T-Pain voice is the prerequisite for airplay.  Immediately following this single will be the remix which T-Pain (and indubitably, Lil Wayne) will be featured because that's what's good in the streets...Hip Hop is almost at its demise now when every album out has either T-Pain featured, or the artist simply rapping in the T-Pain voice. It's like everyone wants to play with the T-Pain voice. I swear to FUCKING god, if I'm watching TV, and I hear this voice in a Swiffer commercial, nothing will hold my wrath...

T-Pain...I hate you. I hate your top hat (because I didn't think of it first). I hate your grillz; not so much because you have them but more so because of the fact that I can now spell grills with a "z".  Wikipedia ACTUALLY has taken the liberty to define this shit! I hate how you find it necessary to pop and lock in every video regardless of song tempo. I hate the fact that not even your mother can verify if, in fact, you have eyes or not. (ah, NOTE TO NIGGAS: there's a song called "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night." How about you all go and remix that shit like a nigga version of "We Are the World" and let everyone in the club know why exactly, you find it necessary to sleep in sunglasses.) I hate the fact that you have become the new Nate Dogg. At least Nate Dogg SANG; moreover, if you called Nate Dogg a hook-man, he probably would have agreed, after he slapped you. I sincerely hate you because you wore a "T-Wayne" shirt at the B.E.T. Awards this year. In my humble opinion and in the voice of Riley Freeman: "eeewww nigga you gay!" T-Pain, save your money.


You ever heard of Lil John? No? How about reggaeton? Nothing? ah well...