Marriage? Sacred? Please...

Gather around children, Ellen Degeneres got married last week…to another woman. There’s so many things wrong with this picture...

First off, Ellen is 50 years old. This just might be my youth speaking but: who cares when the elderly get married anyway? Personally, I hate the Cha-Cha Slide, cougar cleavage is only sexy when seen on women adamantly AGAINST marriage, and everyone at the reception are either married or little children. So maybe I'm simply against elderly wedding ceremonies in general. However, I do believe that for females, once you hit that number 45 it should be a wrap for contemplating walking (or wheeling) down the aisle. You should have made moves when you were younger. I mean what’s the point? I feel like getting married anytime after the age of 45 is just for show. Basically, you have decided that you no longer want a name plate on your desk that reads the “Ms.” in front of your last name, because being an elderly "Ms." truly blows. Especially when you're not hot.  Oh, you don't think so? Remember back to your elementary school days: Ms. Capinigro at age 26 or 27 was the cool teacher you wanted to befriend outside of the classroom. Ms. Fiori at age 40 or 45 was the gym teacher with the sweatpants with no drawstring whose gender was god damn impossible to determine. Ms. Capinigro at age 26 stayed after school to support the drama club's spring production or painted her face in school colors to cheer on the soccer team during the night game against  rival school (and, secretly, we all played a little better for it); Ms. Fiori at age 45 carries a duffle bag full of dulled pencils and loose leaf paper and ultimately teaches health class because she/he? has ALL the sexual organs.

So Ellen, at the age of 50 you have decided to marry a 35 year old woman. Let’s further analyze this. She’s 35, meaning that you have in some way pulled a Michael Jackson and bribed this younger woman with magic, toys, and candy. What boggles me is trying to understand why this woman would want to marry Ellen Degeneres. She's actually pretty attractive and I know men and women who would romantically pursue her. The only reason I see this woman marrying Ellen is for that cash. Face it. Ellen, you married a bitch named Portia. This obviously means she’s going to divorce you, take half, go buy a real Porsche, and then look for a man who can give her some children (because she is still relatively young). I give your marriage three months tops...

However, Ellen your actions have gotten me to think about this topic of gay marriage. Some are really against it, and some are for it. I do not see the point in it and not because it's a partnership of two people of the same gender. I couldn't care less about that.  I just really don’t see the point of traditional marriage (whatever that means in 2008) to be absolutely honest. For the most part, today's marriage in America is a joke. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world. Perhaps we should petition the Olympic Committee to get rid of rhythmic gymnastics and add divorce to the Summer Olympics so America can tally another gold medal.  Gotta beat China by any means, right? Many say that marriage is that special time where you get to finally cross over into adulthood and start having “intimate relations” with the one person you love (insert the rollingest of eye rolls here). Let’s be real: We all started getting nasty right after our junior prom in high school. For those late-bloomers or ones who just didn’t play their cards right that prom night, it went down the first week (or at some point) of your college career. Now in the event that you have gone through an entire collegiate career without achieving any Mclovin', then the movie 40 Year Old Virgin is actually your biography, and I honestly hope an elderly Indian man takes you under his wing and aids you in your desperate search for some poon. Anyway for the rest of you normal people, once you have first accomplished intercourse (such a nasty word), you have successfully stepped into the breezeway of the building that is adulthood. And in adulthood, time tells us that you get married. Yet, times change! What marriage used to be defined as has completely changed. With advances in technology, health, human rights, etc. over the centuries, I don't even think we need the institution of marriage anymore as it historically existed.

Women are no longer considered property due to women's suffrage. Life expectancy is at an all time high due to health advances. Children can be born out of wedlock due to misreading the directions on the package of the Nuva Ring. Let's face it, everything we used to need marriage as a prerequisite for is no longer necessary. Now marriage is just a relic that we hold on to for some reason. Marriage is sacred? How sacred is marriage when Divorce Court comes on FOX? Does anyone watch the Bachelor, Bachelorette, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, or Bride-Zillas? Shit, why hasn't "MTV's True Life: I Fuck a Bitch Who Wears the Same Ring As Me" been filmed and aired yet? Don't get me wrong, I do not want to get rid of marriage all together just yet. I enjoy a reason to button the top button of my collared shirt, the themed weddings, free alcohol at the reception, and replacing the flower girl's flowers with poison sumac. However, I would prefer that everyone stop putting this "sacrament" on such a high pedestal. Has anyone ever stopped and thought about marriage? A man who is contractually obligated by the Lord to never TOUCH a woman has the power to "grant" another man permission to marry a woman. I'm actually scratching my head on that one. If you ask me, when someone gives me a real reason to believe that marriage is actually some serious event, then I will be able to formulate an opinion of whether I agree or disagree with gay marriage. Until then, I could care less that these homos are going around the LIFE board with two little pink tokens in their car. Still, I remain firmly against anyone getting married after age 50, unless you're Oprah Winfrey. It's time to marry Steadman, O; this on and off courtship charade has gone along far enough. (LIGHT BULB)...maybe Oprah's gay...

Mail for a Mr. Michael Phelps...

Dear Mr. Michael Phelps,

May I call you Mikey? That was a rhetorical question, Fival; you do not answer. You sir, have successfully and utterly baffled me. Just where did you come from? How is it that in the span of two weeks you were able to grasp the hearts and minds of every single female in the United States of America? Some could argue that I am a hater but I think it needs to be said: you play in water. You swim. First and foremost, why is swimming even considered an Olympic sport? Actually, we might as well take a look at today's Summer Games overall: Archery. Come on Olympics Committee. Why are you still legitimizing this as a sport? There's nothing athletic about a man murdering a bull's-eye with an arrow from 100 paces. You think I care that this man has heat seeking arrows or that his bow has a scope and infrared lasers attached to it? Yes, Olympic archers purchase their equipment from the same stores highly trained assassins frequent. Fantastic. The archer has successfully proven that he can spend his money to transform his arm into a Swiss army knife rather than starting a college fund for his children. Bravo. Your kids can't go to college but they can say pop was William Tell. Christ. Fencing? Understand this: I will shoot any idiot that approaches me with a sword. Period. I win ALL the gold medals for the independent country of Dashtoria (don't try to pronounce it; it's impossible). And badminton? This would be the "sport" where you are required to hit a "birdie" over a net and no matter how hard you swing, the birdie will just gently float downward. I think the ONLY way one who plays badminton should ever qualify for an Olympic medal is if they play with a live grenade. Even still, tin should be the highest medal awarded. Synchronized diving? My disdain for this event is only equaled by that I have for those smug son a bitch announcers doing the event's commentary. First, it's clearly evident that these two grown men spend 16 hours a day jumping off of a diving board together. I don't approve of this message. Second, as they attempt to perform the exact same dive simultaneously, these announcers suck their teeth and groan as they point out on national television when one diver points his toe as opposed to the other curling his. If it's synchronization you seek, I'll make sure to have my fist perfectly clenched so you announcers and divers can all have synchronized blackened eyes and matching missing teeth.

Finally, I am led to your event, Mr. Phelps. This would be the event referred to as "swimming back and forth"...a lot.

Seriously, I really do not care how fast you can swim across a pool. I do not care how many times you can swim the length of the thing either. You want to impress Team Dashy? Swim the god dammed Atlantic. Better yet, just swim from Atlantic City to Bejing. I'll be waiting on a dock in Bejing and gladly toss your gold medal into your mouth like it's feeding time at Sea World. You want to be Aquaman, then prove it. Forget the pool baby. Race a dolphin. What kind of pussy tries to validate his craft by challenging those who are simply mediocre? When I'm feeling rowdy, I don't stand out front of the local gym and pick fights with guys who just bench and squat. Oh no Mr. Phelps; unlike you, I am a man. When I'm feeling the need for a good fight, I fly to Africa and kick a lion while he's having sex. Yes, mid stroke...I don't give a fuck. I do this because a lion is a seasoned fighter and why prove myself to man when it is obvious that animal is vastly superior in this craft of whooping ass? You know why else I refuse to justify your success in the pool? Swimming will not help you in a real life dire situation. Despite how well you perform in a chlorine saturated pool, I honestly doubt you can escape an angry shark (we can test this theory later if you like...it's always Shark Week somewhere). A real Olympic sport like track helps you in real life situations. Answer me this Phelps: do you see any Kenyans in jail? NO. Do you know why? Because the police can't catch these bare foot niggas. They will run for days, head bobbing back and forth, until they reach safety. You go ahead and try to swim away from the cops, Michael Phelps. They won't even chase you. They'll just send Shaq the Sheriff to the opposite end of the pool...and wait. Despite what everyone thinks, you will have to come up for air eventually, Michael.  Can't out-swim science, jackass.

But back to how you have somehow brainwashed all the females of America. This shit is crazy. Oh, I'm hating.  Really. I recently heard a female openly admit, "I don't care how his ears look, I just want him to dangle his 11 gold medals over my bed and fuck me." WHAT? Alright Tila Tequila, if it's the noise you desire, I have wind chimes and such; I could even hang some red and blue pots and pans over the bed if it's the sound you seek. I hope you fully understand how much I hate you, Mikey. My hatred for you has surpassed that of which I have for T-pain and Ronald McDonald combined. Normally, this would be the point where I decide to enlighten you on how I would take your life or in some way sabotage any of your further efforts to make history in accomplishing the most Olympic Gold medals ever. No. Not today. I am simply bewildered at the fact that people are deeming you the world's greatest athlete because you have a couple Gold medals. You, Michael Phelps, are not the world's best athlete ever. If some hysterical little girl runs up to you screaming, "Michael Phelps, world's greatest athlete of all time, have sex with my under-aged body!" you must (either before or after you sex her down) swiftly jab her in the kidney and make her understand you are not the world's greatest athlete of all time. I will say that attaining an Olympic Gold Medal is very difficult for the common man. To achieve 9, is damn near impossible. Moreover, to swim (to swim well) is also not an easy task. However, for you to be deemed as the world's greatest athlete of all time, don't you think you should be able to do a little more than simply...swim? I mean shit. What happens if some Russian comes to the Olympics in 2012 and gets 13 medals in fencing? Do you think he's just taken your title? Michael Phelps, along with continuing to successfully swim better than anyone else in the world, this is what you must do to maintain this "greatest athlete ever" moniker:

1. get a medal (gold, silver, magenta...I don't fucking care) in the poll volt while wearing a peg leg
2. simply make the roster of the Angolan national basketball team
3. win a 100m dash but run next to runners who are actually competing; and when you're interviewed afterward just calmly state, "I thought we were running from something."

You know what? Despite even completing this list, you still will never be the world's best athlete ever. I reserve that title for anyone who has ever donned a New York Yankees uniform. These guys are a fraternity of athletes who not only excelled in success among their peers; still many of them were fat, womanizing alcoholics. You have trained every day for an entire lifetime. Babe Ruth looked like a bowling ball. Mickey Mantle came to the plate wreaking of pussy and perfume.  Why should you deserve the title of best athlete ever when a professional baseball player can crank out homer after homer while hung over? Furthermore, have you ever tried to steal 2nd with a bad case of the crabs? I think not Michael Phelps. I think not...

Sleep well,

The Dash

(P.S. You look like Sloth from the Goonies...)

Old People: You Don't get off the Hook That Easy...

Ah, but the old people. Yes, you get the spotlight also. Where shall I begin?

How about I start with LL Cool J? Yes, we'll start with this shiny bald headed jacked up midget that has been lingering around the Hip-Hop world for over two decades now. Jesus, has anyone took the time to realize that his first name is comprised of the same letter twice? (sigh) Sincerely, from me to you LL (and I actually pronounce that as "La-La"): how about you go do the running man around the mouth of a volcano, promptly. Who do you think you are? Please, ENLIGHTEN me. LL Cool J means "Ladies Love Cool James"? Maybe back in the 80's buddy. Today perhaps it should mean "Little Laxatives Calm James". You are an old fart. And stop lifting weights! Didn't you get the memo: niggas use guns in the new millennium. I hope you know that I'm plotting on hunting you like deer, James. When I find you, I first plan to tie you up and repeatedly peg sandwich bags full of marbles at you. Then I'm going to steal thousands of Barbie dolls from little girls all across the nation; I will strip them naked and cut off their hair and then leave these hairless plastic dolls on the ground all around your tied up body. I will then reveal your location to thousands of angry little 8 year old girls. We will see how much these Ladies Love you then, Cool James. I wonder how cool you actually will be when you are found shirtless in a warehouse getting ATL stomped by tall toddlers in Payless heals. Another thing: how did you build up the audacity to make a song where the chorus is "I'm Your Baby" when you are clearly old enough to be a grandfather? Supposedly you were born in 1968 meaning that you are currently 40 years old. This would explain your recently excessive need to shave your face and head entirely. Going for that wet seal look, eh? Nonetheless, you are still too damn old to be attempting to make music (unless you decide to take up jazz flute) that requires you to be overtly sexual or gully. Remind me but don't you have a mortgage? You know what, I would rather listen to DJ Khaled hum over this track rather than listen to your horrible "flow" tarnish this record as well as The Dream's rising career. Do you understand that you said that your wife (and it has to be your wife you're talking about or your wife is as dumb as you) "makes her booty clap on the floor of the kitchen?" Talking about how she "plays Bingo" and "rides Mandingo." I assure you that no one wants to picture this. You know who really doesn't want to picture this: your god damn kids, James. Have you forgotten that you have 4 children? You think THEY want to hear about mommy's bootyclappin' superpowers (sidenote: yes everyone, booyclappin' is indeed a superpower worthy of the Key to the City)? Let's not mention that they go to school with children that sadly listen to your music ONLY to ridicule your kids during lunch hour. Fantastic, James. Your children are scarred for life because you just can't let go of the game. Give it up. You are no longer the object of females' affection. Women don't care about your slow and sensual rap ballads anymore...or you licking your lips for that matter. Reality check: Lil Wayne has a track out called Pussy Monster, and these bitches like it...

Another old one that needs to just give up: Kid Rock. You were born in '71. Guess what? You are no longer a KID and emu is the new ROCK in this millennium. GROW UP PETER PAN. Now don't get me wrong; I do like alternative music. It's a very close second to my appreciation for Hip-Hop. However, I never liked you Kid Rock. Jesus, I hate saying your name. I shall call you by your birth name Robert Ritchie. I hate you. Let's sit back and take a look at some of your music starting with that horrible song in which you yell out random syllables like you have turrets syndrome. "Bawitdaba da-bang-ga-dang diggy-diggy" WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO TELL ME? I should slap you with a dictionary AND thesaurus (and no, Robert Ritchie, a thesaurus is not a dinosaur). Learn some real words. You're a grown ass man; you have no excuse. If Mush Mouth from Fat Albert can do it so can you. And then there is "Cowboy" which I feel is the real reason that Brokeback Mountain was indeed produced. How this song did not make the soundtrack is beyond me. This song came out in '99. There are no cowboys anymore. I am certain of this. Do yourself a favor Robert Richie, go get LL Cool J so you can hang out with someone your own age. I'm sure Ice Cube has a family barbecue coming up soon. If you're lucky, maybe he'll give you two cameos in the next Barbershop movie.