The Great Society...

Facebook is such a marvellous invention. What started out as an opportunity for old friends to find each other and get reacquainted, has transformed into a global social network that has completely transformed the way people meet one another. Remember back to a time when you saw an attractive chick, you would ask your friends if they knew her; the next time you saw her you would talk to her, get her number and talk to her on the phone, maybe even chill or go to the party. Now, you see a cute chick and the first thing you do after you find out her name is run to the Facebook Gods. What has happened? Facebook is its own world and now you have an account of thousands of friends based on the pictures, applications, bumper stickers, and favorite quotes. I have news for you though: not everyone on your friend list is that. Different people use Facebook for different reasons. So, let me break down the different types of Facebookers...

The Polite. These Facebookers feel the need to accept every friend request, attend every event, and confirm every group invitation sent their way. This isn't because they are looking for Facebook fame and popularity, but because they do not want to turn down a new "friend". The Polite leave you posts on your birthday and tell you that your hair looks nice in your new profile picture. Sometimes they take the time to leave good remarks on every picture in the new album that you put up (even though half of those pictures consist of you posing in your bathroom fully dressed for no reason at all with the camera pointed towards the mirror). If your status implies that you are feeling ill or distressed they will send you some words of encouragement or a fucking teddy bear or band-aid. They may even send out a massive SuperPoke to wish everyone a Merry Christmas (personally, I like to throw Obamas at everyone on my friend list...repeatedly). However, The Polite do not usually get the same attention reciprocated. These polite Facebookers may visit the site 2 or 3 times a day.

The Oblivious. The Oblivious are those who seem like they are not even aware that they have a Facebook or do not know how to use it (anymore). This person probably started an account because they wanted to see what all the hype was about. My favorite excuse people use for signing up and remaining on Facebook: "networking." Whatever. Anyway, this category could include teachers, principals, parents and those from the "old school facebook days" who just do not care about learning how to use all of the ever evolving handy Facebook features. The Oblivious has no bumper stickers, rarely pops up in your mini feed, no trivia points, and keeps the same profile picture for years at a time. The Oblivious is not hip to any gossip that goes around Facebook because, like the ordinary student, he actually enjoys the company of people rather that viewing pictures of people. The Oblivious will also have pictures tagged by others but will never put up his own album. Anyway, it is obvious that The Oblivious Facebooker never checks their Facebook account...

The Party Promoter. These Facebookers are on a mission to add EVERY member in their network so that they can send you 74 messages a week reminding you about the party they have just set up. I swear to God if I receive another event invitation from the Jersey Boys. They have only given me more of reason to drop dirty diapers on Moorestown from my "I Hate New Jersey" blimp. The Party Promoter is constantly contacting you via mass message claiming that he is personally inviting you to the best party of the year even though he will invite the same people to the same party next week which happens to be at the EXACT same venue. Every party, by the way, is either a play off the title of some hot new hip hop single, some new definition of sexy, or pumped with a flyer with some video model that definitely WON'T be at the party. By the way, when I meet this "Golden Boy" who thought it was appropriate to make two profiles and marry himself, I'm getting on the phone and calling the real Golden Boy (Oscar De La Hoya) and paying him to jab you in the throat thrice. Also, The Party Promoter's name is constantly popping up in your mini feed as he adds more of your friends while trying to achieve utter social domination of your network. He's the one that gets you excited when you see that you have 7 new notifications only to find out that you have only been invited to the same event 6 times and he has invited you to a group where you can talk about it. Yes, it is the Party Promoter that makes your wall extra long because he wants to post ALL of the party information on it. He's the one that you hate, yet everyone on campus knows his name and face.

The Stalkers/Creepers. These Facebookers are among the worst. They will sit at their computers and look for attractive members of the opposite sex and then add them as friends (or worse: repeatedly poke them). The Stalkers are the ones that are actually brave enough to send you messages and photo comments saying that you are "sexy" or "cute". However, The Creepers will just visit your page everyday looking for changes on your profile. If your default picture or your status changes, expect a new Honesty Box Message. By the way, what is the purpose of an Honesty Box? That's the dumbest shit ever. All people ever do is either profess their undying love to their crushes...anonymously, or talk wild smack to their enemies...anonymously. Either way, anyone who writes in Honesty Boxes also checks the "PUSSY" box on applications that ask for ethnicity specification. But back to the Stalkers/Creepers. Most people have at least one person that lingers over their page and then stares eerily at you as you are seen walking around campus. Ladies, pay attention. Somebody is always watching you. ALWAYS. Shit, I have three chicks on my high alert list as we speak. These Facebookers log on to Facebook anytime they are able to access a computer with internet service. And you better believe that after they check their own profile, they are looking at any new picture you posted with you and your friend's breasts mashed against each other...

The Famished for Attention. This may also get broken down into 2 groups: the bored or the desperate. It may be boredom that drives these Facebookers or maybe they are actually starving for some attention. Their status changes literally 8 times a day so that they make sure you know exactly what is going on in their lives at every moment. They come out with a video every week that includes some form of dancing or some late night dorm room activities. The extreme ones even change their name every other day. I will let you in on a little secret: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU OR YOUR PROBLEMS. Your real friends might. Try talking to them...in person. Personally, I don't want to be tagged to another note that talks about your current trials and tribulations. I got my own shit to deal with. I do not want to listen to yours. God dammit, do you know what a "note" is in real life? Remember when you were in 4th grade and the girls in class had a marble composition book and they passed it around a group of 7 or 8 chicks? Yes, THAT is a note. Little bitches write notes about the teacher's gap in her teeth or Brian's new haircut or Emily being gay because she throws the football with the boys at recess. Furthermore, notes are written (I repeat: written) on lined paper in bubble letters from a pen with pink or baby blue ink. A grown man or woman should not be typing "notes" in FUCKING college. Ones that do this out of boredom should just go play intramurals or something. It's the ones that do it for pity or attention that make me want to find them with Sock'em Boppers on my hands and give them a REAL problem to whine about. These Facebookers only need to log on once a day because they NEVER close their window. They just repeatedly hit the home button waiting for something new to pop up.

The Application Addict. You already know who this is. Everybody knows that they have at least one Facebook Friend that is constantly inviting them to partake in applications such as Zombies & Vampires, Mob Wars, Ninjas & Samurai, Superlatives, Jetman, What's Your Stripper Name?, Happy Hour, Let's Make a Baby, etc. Nobody wants to play your games you gypsy. I do not want to make ANY virtual babies with you. And stop sending me drinks. If you want to be a real friend, take me to the bar and buy me a real one you cheap fuck. The Application Addict is the one that you can't leave a comment for because you cannot decipher whether it gets left on the Advanced Wall, Super Wall, or regular Wall. They send you 26 bumper stickers every 3 hours because it reminded them of you. The Application Addict is by far the most annoying Facebooker and makes you evaluate why you even accepted their friendship in the first place. The Application Addict spends a butt-load of time on Facebook annoying you with every quiz and application there is...


The Crazy Girlfriend. Oh yes this is my personal favorite. The one that adds drama and humor into your life. The Crazy Girlfriend also exhibits traits of The Stalker/Creeper. She's the one that's "married" to someone one day and then switches to "it's complicated" the next. She leaves her boyfriend a wall post every day because in her sick mind, she's marking her territory. It's more than likely that she checks her boyfriend's page before she actually looks at hers. And there's a very good chance that if you walked into her room unexpectedly you would catch her 3 pages deep into reading a wall-to-wall conversation between her boyfriend and someone else. She may call it "investigating". I call it "why are you fucking retarded". This highly unstable woman gets upset over the smallest things. Her boyfriend may commonly hear things such as "Who the fuck is this bitch you just added as your friend" or "you ain't even that close to this bitch, why are you on her Top Friends list?" She makes it impossible for her boyfriend to even have a Facebook account. When she sees him in a picture with another female she goes on a rampage, sending out wild Honesty Box messages stating "stay away from my man", or "I'm gonna fuck you up slut". Having this woman in your life means that you no longer have any female friends and have to duck camera flashes at every party you attend. Your tagged photos link leads to nothing more than multiple photos of you blocking camera lenses. Tragic. The Crazy Bitch (I mean Girlfriend) visits Facebook as much as an ordinary student, however her attendance to the site sky-rockets when she is suspicious something is going on...

Well in conclusion, I guess you're wondering how I feel about myself being involved in the Facebook Society. Just to let you know, if you found me on Facebook or if I found you, chances are you will probably NEVER see my real face. That's not because I don't like you but I believe before the Facebook existed, friends ACTUALLY knew what their friends looked like. So those who really know me, know what I look like. So unless of course you happen to hear my name called for attendance in one of your classes or something, I remain a glitch in the matrix: the faceless facebooker. If you build up the confidence to approach me and call out my name as I exit the classroom, I will just look at you blankly or run away screaming "STRANGER DANGER." Why you ask? Usually as people we try to be polite to make a good first impression when we first meet someone new. Well not I, said the fly. The first impression of me was spoiled the moment you went to my page saw the little negro Mario rocking the Obama pin as my profile's default picture and started reading this blog. So now there is no need to try because you THINK you already know me. Ah, Facebook...way to go on murdering the first impression for everyone...

Dash's Guide to College Living (Section II)...

Ok...So I have already covered part of what it is required to be socially involved in the college environment. But let's try to remember the real reason why mom and pop are shipping you away to this institution of higher learning. Teaching yourself the physics of playing a flawless game of Quarters is hardly worth $30,000 a year in tuition. There's a necessary component to college that involves acquiring a degree of some sort. Despite my praise of the social aspects of collegiate life, I fully understand the necessity behind keeping a legitimate grade point average. If you don't make the grade, the parents take away the dorm where you get laid. Write that down. Now I'm going let you in on a little bit of information that could help you out with the book learnin' side of school. Believe it or not, getting a high GPA isn't all about perfect attendance and participating in every class you are enrolled. Sitting in the front of class and raising your hand for every question gets the same results in college as it did in high school: I steal your chocolate milk. You don't have to stay in your little cubicle of a dorm room on Friday nights completing papers to ensure your academic achievement. Instead, by knowing the following vital information, you will get through your college career with at least a quality 3.0.

#1. Math:Indians::Microsoft:Bill Gates. That's a little analogy for you, and my suggestion is to take heed. Indians OWN math. Indians have taken over the concept of math like Asians have taken over the art of popping and locking (sorry Omarion, but have you seen Kaba Modern or the Jabbawockies). Furthermore, they refuse to relinquish their supreme knowledge of numerals to anyone else like they invented the subject. Pure selfishness. Have you not noticed that 95% of upper level math classes are taught by Indian professors that can hardly speak English? Either that or they blatantly refuse to learn. It's a conspiracy. If you're lucky, you may get the pleasure of learning basic algebra from Mr. Smith; however, when it comes to learning Calculus with Professor Pallavi Chitturi, it's the end of the road for your mathematical education. The only way to actually pass this class would be to drop it before it's too late; take Introduction to Indian and then take calc again next semester GRANTED you get an A- in Intro to Indian. It's just not worth it and the cards are already stacked against you. While you struggle with balancing equations involving sines and cotangents, Nirav is sitting next to you dozing off because his father taught him all that shit during his summer vacation between 4th and 5th grade. When you were younger, you played with Legos and action figures. Nirav's teething ring, on the other hand, was a god damn calculator. Mathematics is passed down through their culture like a flask in the Fitzpatrick house. So trust me, if you really want to get a quality GPA, scratch any math related majors. You'll get tired of Kumar whispering to you, "chill fam, I got this" after all your incorrect answers.


#2. Pad Your Stats. Every college student has to follow a curriculum based on their major in which they have to take some core courses in order to graduate. The key to achieving good grades in these courses is picking the right classes. If you know you love to party during the week, you obviously don't want pick the earliest classes available. Make sure these classes fit into a schedule that is good for you. And when you are picking these classes, stick to things that you already know. You are not Aristotle. You do not need to learn everything that looks interesting to you. Chances are that 78% of the bullshit you learn in these classes will not be used at all after the semester is over. Which means that if you took Spanish I and II in high school, fuck it; start all over again at Spanish I in college. That's a guaranteed "A" and a 4.0 averaged into your stats. When it comes to selecting a course for your science requirement, Geology is the way to go. Yes, it's boring. But you get to go play with rocks 3 times a week and get yourself an A+. When looking for a class to fulfill your arts requirement, I recommend something culinary. It's a fine way to hone your ability to cook delicious meals. Face it, the women love a man who can make something more than Ramen Noodles or Easy-Mac. Do yourself the service of taking a cooking course, and I guarantee it will reward you one night later this semester. Moreover, you'll have 1-5 easy credits added towards graduating on time.



#3. CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT. You are in college now. No more of that high school, writing on your hand or rubber band bullshit. Time to step your game up. At the end of the day, no one cares how you pass, just as long as you pass. Chances are that you will have at least one difficult class each semester that you are going to struggle through. In order to pass them you need to know the various tactics of effective and stealthy cheating. You would think that cheating is easiest when in a lecture hall. Wrong. Professors think that they have eliminated the success of cheating by giving out different tests. Well I have found ways around this. Lectures can contain up to approximately 600 people, meaning that the instructor obviously cannot match your name with your face (unless you make it a habit of sporadically yelling out "O'Doyel Rules" in the middle of class). All you need is someone that knows the test material or someone in another section that has already taken the exam (and maybe a 20 dollar bill) to take the exam for you. It's that simple. Also, some teachers will put their lectures into media files on Blackboard where you can download them and put them on to your nifty little iPod. I must say I have bobbed my head to the beat of a final review during my entire final exam for 5 semesters. And when instructors are actually generous enough to allow the use of a single note card on a test, it is your scholarly duty to make at least 7 and rotate them throughout the test session. Who memorizes information in 2008? Not Dash and I advise you to follow my lead my young apprentice. I don't even write my own research papers. No, I don't believe this is plagiarism. Copying all your information from one source is bon a fide plagiarism. Redrafting information from an abundance of sources is what I like to call extensive research. Think about that.

Look. You know the deal: I'm dropping 3 gems and I'm out. Hopefully, you remain undeclared and take a lot of Golf and Tae Kwon Doe classes. I say this because the classes that actually make up your major and prepare you for your future profession (the classes that really matter)are the classes that you most likely will do well (if not change your god damn major). It's those bloody core courses that will attack your gpa. And here at Team Dashy, we feel that class should be the last thing stressing you throughout your college career. You have bigger fish to fry. Did you get that fat chick pregnant? Is health services open for late night emergency visits? How do you get all those porn pop-ups to stop attacking your roommate's laptop? I'm just saying...

I Will "Take That" No More Diddy...

Let me open up this passage with a simple question directed solely to Mr. Sean "Diddy" Combs: Since when did you rule the world? For some odd reason, you have come to believe that you have become the king of the music/entertainment industry. How you have come to this conclusion about yourself baffles me and anyone else who might witness you all over television acting the complete fool. Now I can't watch the rest of the nonsense "reality" shows that come on MTV because you, sir, have decided to make not one, but TWO bullshit bands. Mind you, we don't even bring up the very first band you attempted to assemble (even though that band was BY FAR more entertaining than any of your more recent creations). Yes, I am obviously talking about the tribe of ignorant hoodrats you so eloquently named "Da Band". Do you know how much America loved Da Band? Every single week, my high school physics teacher wouldn't even give my class homework on nights when your very first Making the Band was scheduled to air. Do you know how much my friends and I laughed at the sheer sight of Ness, who struggled with weight issues and strongly resembled Goo from Nickelodeon's "My Brother & Me" or Wendel from "The Parenthood"? We thought you was just showing America your sense of humor by effectively recreating Dave Chappelle's idea of the Mad Real World by putting these miscreants in one home. Anyway, Da Band was the worst group of all time; however what made them cool was the very fact that every week you would shut the studio down and you refused to acknowledge Dylan as the greatest rapper of all time. Yet, today you've got these suburban bands who just make us angry. Aside from all the flashing lights and semi-humorous interruptions with Diddy wearing oversized shirts saying statements like "Long Live The King," there is nothing entertaining about this show. And, where do you get the names of these bands from? Danity Kane? STOP PUTTING "DK" IN LIGHTS. Unless you plan on having a giant gorilla come out on the stage to kidnap one of your blond performers, I don't want to see it. I hope a little Japanese man from Nintendo sees this and sues your ass, Diddy. And let us not forget about Day 26. You might as well chalk that project right now. I happened to catch their music video one day during the two hour time block that "Music Television" actually plays a couple music videos. After watching this nonsense I was 100% certain that their choreographer, without a shadow of a doubt, taught this routine while in a wheelchair. I've never seen so much arm motion in my life. And who thought that it was acceptable to put in special effects to make it look like they were in the matrix? You are all doofuses (doofusi?) and I hope your plane crashes...and then of course Diddy will make millions from a tribute track...

I must move on before I get thoroughly disgusted and punt my laptop. While watching this MTB4 (by the way, WE'RE ON SEASON 9 JACKASS), I actually thought that I could catch a break when the commercials finally came on. But NO...what else do I see? I see you Mr. Combs, fully dressed in a well tailored suit, seated in a chair telling me that you have another show airing on VH1 entitled "I Want to Work for Diddy". The idea of this show just gives me the willies. First off, who in his right mind would want to work for you? You are not Donald Trump. You sign artists that make one hit and are never heard from again. Oh you need examples? What ever happened to B5? They're probably dropping some background vocals on Sesame Street (and the 24 year old brother in the group is PISSED). 8Ball & MJG are terrible. I'm leaving 8Ball (who humorously resembles an 8 ball so his stage name does not impress) a Baconator in his mail box, and I will video tape his disappointment when he discovers it is made entirely of rubber and squeaks when squeezed. 112 was a legit R&B group as they whined out bedroom classics. But I hear they have broken up over money issues (because Diddy needs all that cash). Loon, Dream (Diddy's first set of white girls), Kane (Diddy's WHITE RAPPER PROJECT), and G Dep: WHO? All Mario Winans ever did was cry on every single track. True Story: there's an interlude on his album where he blows his nose for 7 seconds. Carl Thomas. How the shit are you on a label called BAD BOY and you have the softest voice of all time?! Black Rob most likely got shot on a corner due to his excessive need to keep it real and mumbled "WHOA" as he died while sprinkling crack on himself. Shyne is never getting out of prison and is definitely scraping money together to sponsor a hit on Diddy. I'm certain Faith Evans is irrelevant in 2008. And your former sidekick Mase became a preacher and then somehow joined G-Unit as "Murder Mase" (still having the slowest flow of all time). Let's face it Danity Kane and Day 26: as soon as your shows are no longer on the TV at night, Diddy will rob and rape you (figuratively and literally).  Then you too can claim to have had hits or classics but now work as head hostess in your hometown's Chilli's.

If your "stars" can't even keep employment at Bad Boy, how are these normal people going to survive? You got fat boys running around New York in their underwear claiming that he is the Applesauce Bandit and women ripping out their own eyelashes just for amusement on http://www.diddy.com/. How is this even considered training for becoming an assistant of some sort? Can you actually put "Diddy's Applesauce Bandit" on a resume? This show should just be called "Diddy's Bitch". While I do enjoy watching America's underclass complete ridiculous challenges, it also saddens me that they are doing it for a man who is ridiculed for his main claim to fame: ad-libbing on other artists' tracks as he whispers "...take that, take that...". TAKE WHAT DIDDY?!?! Congratulations. You made the exclamation used after winning a round in Battleship an actual quote the Valedictorian used in his speech at graduation last June. How is it that you achieved so much success? How is it that Biggie's sidekick stole all the spotlight once he died? You should have gone to jail because I think you killed that large man. That's right I said it. Diddy orchestrated the East Coast/West Coast war so he could inconspicuously rise into relevance. Well done sir...hit 'em while no one's looking.

And this new show that you are coming out with where you are trying to make "the next pop star" should be X'ed before you even begin. I can't take 3 Diddy influenced shows on the air at the same time. After seeing what is going on with Donnie your "budding" solo star on ice, I am convinced you will never succeed in this endeavor. This poor white man moves like Pinocchio as he jerks his body across the stage. He will never be a Justin Timberlake or Usher or anything that even resembles a qualified dancing R&B artist. Sigh...It's over for Bad Boy Entertainment Mr. Combs. The only entertainment I now receive from Bad Boy is the fact that you thought you could revive the careers of New Edition. You should be slapped with O.J.'s gloves dipped in dog shit. Just accept it...when you thought it was necessary to hold a press conference to urgently announce that you no longer wanted to go by "Puffy" but "P. Diddy" AND THEN hold another news conference a year later alerting America to simply "drop the P from P. Diddy", you solidified your picture in the Funk & Wagnall's Dictionary next to the term "Village Idiot." You once held the world in the palm of your hand. You had a hit factory pumping out classics I still bump today (I will forever throw my rolly-less wrist in the sky and wave it side to side whether the song is playing or not). 2 of my closest Asian friends and I still have a shiny suit hanging up our closets. I STILL try to drive backwards at 50mph on empty roads. You not only invented the remix, but you and J.Lo invented the "power couple." I loved you Puff Daddy (pause). But when you became Diddy, you became all that was wrong in the world...