Want Some Cereal?

Breakfast. It's claimed to be the most important meal of the day. Why? Does it really give you that zest needed to start off your day? Can breakfast somehow raise your scores exponentially on standardized tests? FALSE. Just to let you know, out of the hundreds of millions of people in the United States that eat cereal every morning, 87% of them are children. Furthermore, 59.2% of all statistics are also made up on the spot. I digress. When I was younger, I couldn't wait until Sunday or Saturday morning when my mom or dad would make the "big breakfast." The big breakfast consisted of either french toast or a cheese omelet, 2 or 3 slices of sharp cheese, pulpless orange juice (because who likes to chew their beverage), and swine. When I say swine, I mean almost endless plates of bacon, scapple, and sausage. God DAMMIT do I love the pork. Anyway, the reason why the big breakfast was looked forward to every Friday night was because from Monday to Friday I was subjected to its inverse: the little breakfast. Oh, you don't know how many Thursday mornings I would wake up and pray, by the graces of Thor the Thunder God, that someone had broken into my home the night before and poked holes in the gallon of whole milk (because skim is NOT milk...) and buried the cereal boxes at the bottom of the dirty clothes bin. Needless to say, I do not believe in you anymore, Thor. All I am saying, is who really likes cereal? I wouldn't ever consider it food, yet these cereal corporations work tirelessly to create marketing schemes and colorful mascots to make the "little breakfast experience" a healthy and well balanced start of my day. Excuse me, Mr. Cereal CEO (you know I actually like that title) but I do not find ANYTHING remotely healthy or balanced going on with Smaks the Frog...

My beef, for lack of a better word, with the cereal industry is that these companies create mascots for their products that are blatantly representative of the underclass we have in America. However, we overlook any obvious character flaws these mascots regularly exhibit due to the character's funny voice, bright colors, and humorous style of dress. These cereal companies have successfully created a fraternity of physically destructive, drug addicted, possibly child molesting, and overall funny looking mascots who have been staring you and me in our faces every Monday through Friday morning for our entire lives. Should the trend continue, who knows what bigger, better, and bolder mascot will capture the hearts and imaginations of our little breakfast consuming children. Is the world really ready for Eve the Milk Mama?

Look at Lucky from the Lucky Charms cereal brand. There's obviously something terribly wrong with this little man. Who really still thinks leprechauns are fun? Personally, if you take away their hats, leprechauns starkly resemble Prince. As for Lucky's cereal, it's 75% marshmallow (disregard my previous statement about statistics, America). Half of Lucky Charms' commercials show this man curled up in a little ball sitting in dimly lit areas whispering to himself, "they're after me Lucky Charms." Is that even proper English?! Furthermore, if he wasn't so hopped up on marshmallows to begin with, he could remember that children actually are mesmerized by magic. And, oh yea, LEPRECHAUNS KNOW FUCKING MAGIC. There is obviously something illegal in that little red box...or there should be at least. Hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and some red balloons. The toy at the bottom of this box should be a beautiful bag of mushrooms. All I'm saying is school would be a lot more fun if you thought your school bus drove ON a rainbow every morning. Uncle Toucan Sam was obviously inspired by Sean Penn after playing the role of David Kleinfeld in Carlito's Way. He has no wife, children, or siblings yet he has three children that call him uncle. I'm sorry, I just find that fishy. Toucan Sam's catch phrase was "follow your nose" and coincidentally I tend to hear that a lot on BET's American Gangster. I wonder what Toucan Sam's episode title would be. The Trix Rabbit is actually the most cunning mascot of them all. This humanized rabbit has a college degree in reverse psychology. Have you ever met anyone who has said his or her favorite cereal was Trix? Do you even know what's in a Trix cereal box? When was the last time a grocery store was sold out of Trix? I'll wait while you ponder that. Children of America, you've been dooped. Trix are for kids? HA...you all have been "Tricked" it seems.

Look, all I'm saying is that these sugar saturated cereals are hardly good for anyone, especially children at 7am. Yet, they are sold to us by these suspect cartoon characters. Oh sure there are the straight arrows, Cornflakes' Cornelius the Rooster and Frosted Flakes' Tony the Tiger. However, no one cares or even eats that healthy crap anymore. It's all about how many kids Count Chocula and Captain Crunch can lure away from the playground swings in the new millennium. Come to think about it, I'm pretty sure Count Chocula is what Michael Jackson would resemble if he were animated.

Hip-Hop in 2009...

Season 3 bitches! New music...new topics...new set up. I'm back and I'm feeling this red look, I must say. Plus, I'm going back to the good ole days when Bad Boy was on top. I'm now trying to make my readers involuntarily Harlem Shake whenever reading one of my posts. So what is in store for the new year? We've got a black First Lady, a Justice League movie is in the works, and we are still debating on whether or not college football needs to replace the BCS with a playoff bracket. I've spent the past winter collecting dvds and trying to become the undisputed king of all iTunes. I have purchased a new digital camera, so I shouldn't have to say it but I will: bitches beware. I've actually been plotting an elaborate scheme involving kidnapping Dakota Fanning with a potato sack. That doesn't sound too elaborate, but I am actually a wizard when it comes to...potato sacks. Ah, and sudoku is the devil. For now though, I'm trying to make out what is in store for Hip-Hop in this new year...

This last year was a tragedy for Hip-Hop. I don't even know if most of the music that was created this last year could even be considered actual Hip-Hop. My last twelve months were dedicated to building an unyielding hatred for Soulja Boi and his inability to spell, read, or speak proper English. Not to mention, his Superman song inspired thousands of unsupervised 14 year old children to dance for their little brother's camera phone as he "cranks" a new dance of his own. Consequently, Soulja Boi is the sole purpose of millions of people wasting countless hours of their lives watching YouTube. Oh how I HATE you Soulja Boi. <------ And does anyone see that shit?? How the fuck hard is it to spell SOLDIER BOY. If I hear another grown ass man scream "YAH, BITCH!! YAH!!" I'm digging out Christmas tree ornaments and stabbing him in his forehead with the hooks. Why do people love Soulja Boi Tell 'Em so much? Matter of fact, what is Soulja Boi telling me, exactly? I can hardly make out what he's saying, and if I could, it would probably just give me the urge to slap the platinum out of his mouth. I would join Ice-T's army any day. Actually, I wouldn't...Ice-T, you can get slapped, too. Soulja Boy, someone told me that in a magazine, you once said you had a 4.0 GPA in high school but didn't want to go to college because "I wanted to become successful like Kanye West." I immediately took the shoelace out of my left shoe and choked him until he fell asleep. I refuse to believe such lies. You sir, wouldn't get a 4.0 if you were tested on material from one of your own albums.

And even if that statement was true - of all people, you chose Kanye? No Biggie? No Hova? Not Snoop, or even Luda? You pick Kanye West? Am I the only person who heard this 808's & Heartbreak album? Oh, and I use the term "album" loosely, because 11 tracks is not an album; that's an extended demo tape. Do you understand that this greasy nigga just released an R&B album without even having the ability to actually sing? Yes, R&B. Look, singing in autotune for 2 minutes and letting the beat ride for another 4 minutes is not Hip-Hop, Mr. West. Moreover, thank you T-Pain for unleashing autotune on the world. It's gone too far. Thr33 Ringz sounded like three songs on repeat (thus the essence of the album's title). Even T-Pain's videos look the same: black crusty nigga popping and locking in front of colorful computer enhanced backgrounds. AND he had the audacity to try and rap with DJ Khaled co-signing in the background. I won't even get started on you DJ Khaled (whom I simply refer to as Aladdin Hussein). You, sir, have sickened me with all these songs you claim are yours, yet you only ad-lib in the background. I only wish I could play 3 notes on a flute, and oompa loompas appear and take you away while singing a clever song...in autotune...

I happened to come across a survey in my Facebook mini feed the other day that said "Who are the 5 greatest rappers of all time". Well, that's an easy answer for me as I always swiftly answer, "Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan...and Dylan." Dylan is actually in a tie with himself for the fifth seed. But I was shocked when I saw names like The Clipse, Young Chris, and Fabolous mentioned (...no comment). I was infuriated to see Lil' Wayne's name appear on people's lists multiple times. This nigga Lil' Wayne is getting on my last nerve. All these tracks are just unnecessary I think. You don't get an award for most songs released in a year. His latest songs just have him mumbling random bull shit using autotune now. I could have sworn I heard this little nigga say he liked eating purple skittles and McGriddles while watching Snoop Doggy Televizzle on Tuesday afternoons. Lollipop Remix...second verse...look that shit up. This man makes so many songs that he could fill an entire iPod Nano to its capacity. I want to punch you in the spine Lil' Wayne. And I saw that shit with you kissing Bird Man. Nigga you gay. As gay as a bathing ape...

If Hip-Hop isn't dead, then it definitely looks like Christopher Reeve right about now. The only way for it to be revitalized is if more artists like Jeezy, Common, Luda, Talib Kweli, etc. make more contributions. I'll tell you what isn't helping (and never has helped) the game: Tupac albums featuring artists he has never met. No, it's not hot hearing a Tupac track featuring Bow Wow! Perhaps someone needs to rough up Eminem's daughter so he can get back to his violent lyrical rampages that made my middle school years so great. Perhaps, we need another relevant Hip Hop empire. Was it so long ago when Bad Boy dominated the mid 90s? Does anyone remember Rocafella owning the early 2000's? Jay-Z, Freeway, Young Gunz, and Kanye West: all Rocafella and all went platinum. I talk a lot of shit, but it's normal for the game to go through some slumps from time to time (i.e. the Reggaeton era) and I'm not too worried. So, please excuse me as I leave to go and do my part. I, apparently, need to contact Beanie Sigel to rectify this Soulja Boi situation...

Dash's Guide to College Living (Section III)...

So, I had to cut off the soundtrack of my life to right of this screen and dig into my dusty CD collection to write this post. I had to take it back to the days when taking turns on the computer and burning mix cd’s were the thing to do on a Tuesday or after a terrible party night. Everyone talks about how college is all about the connections you make and the experiences you have as result of those connections. See, I always thought college was all about Cup o’ Noodles, “surprise” diarrhea in the washing machine, kegs & eggs, and math (the world’s ratio of breasts to balls is 2:2…roughly). Yet, what purpose does fecal matter in washer A4 serve if I have no one to bitch to that my whites are now brown? Furthermore, if it was I who performed this mischievious act, if I don’t have anyone to laugh about this dastardly deed with, why even do it? That would be just weird. I say this because regardless of whether you’re doing the shitting or getting shitted upon, you need a group of peers by your side to commemorate your experiences. Thus, I have decided to divulge the science of creating the perfect peer group. Being a male, I write this for the benefit of my male readers; ladies you are more than welcome to read along as well and get a glimpse into the carefully orchestrated situation we like to call the "group setting." So…back by popular demand, I bring yet another section vital to your college survival: Formulating the E-Board.

Let me begin this third installment of the college living series by stating this: the E-Board is your crew. Throughout your college years you will come across many types of people: chicks who you have class with, chicks you want to knock down, guys who will get you into the party for free, cafeteria employees, the weed man, the chicks upstairs that are always down for the Domino’s 555, guys you will go to the gym with, the kid who always leaves his room unlocked, etc. They walk around you each and every day but they cannot all be in your inner circle. Your inner circle needs to be a nucleus of people that can mesh and aid the overall group in social settings. Below, I give you the different pieces along with their purposes to creating the perfect E-Board.

The Financial Backer: In any business there needs to be a money man. Now the E-Board is not some student organization with a treasury. That would require a "treasurer" and treasurers are usually very stingy when it comes to company funds. He is always analyzing whether or not something is a good financial move and putting the clamp on unnecessary buys. The Financial Backer’s purpose is somewhat like a treasurer only he does not operate as miserly. No, no, no. Situation: The E-Board is at the door of the party and two of us don’t have the money to get in. Instead of some of the group going in and forcing the other two to wait in the car, the Financial Backer fronts the money so we can all get in. Is he just an overly generous man? Shit no! 9 times out of 10, he’s pissed off. He is the most stressed out member of the E-Board because he knows that when we all go to the ATM at 10pm, while everyone else takes out $20, he takes out $60. He knows that there is always someone on the team crying broke, so he knows there’s a strong chance he won’t get repaid anytime soon. However, the true beauty of the Financial Backer is not that he relishes in the fact that he controls the money. A great Financial Backer understands the fact that the memories made on any given night are priceless. He understands that Voltron is only effective when it’s got all the pieces in place. So despite the fact that he’s peeved that he’s got to put up more money for the house party, put $10 extra in the gas tank, or buy a chick he isn’t even interested in a long island ice-t, he’s going to do it because more than anyone on the E-Board, he understands and appreciates the time the group spends together and the memories made. Moreover, he tends to attract chicks that see him spending money (money hungry bitches) and a lot of times money hungry bitches have friends. So he always has at least a guaranteed two chicks coming back to the E-Board house for an after party…


The Bully: Look, if you’re a pretty boy, they think you’re soft. If you’re smart, they are going to think you’re weak. If you’re all about a good time, they’ll think you’re dumb. This will apply to the company you keep as well. However, no matter what type of group you find yourself in, that group is going to need a bully. The Bully regulates when no one else will. The Bully also knows other bullies. His purpose is not to run the E-Board with an iron fist though. He doesn’t use his bullying superpower on the E-Board but rather on everyone outside of the E-Board. The Bully serves two main purposes: 1. He is 24/7 protection. This guy is always down for a good fight regardless of cause. He also is the most aware of possible causes for altercation. Plenty of times has the bully on my E-Board pulled me aside at a party or bar and warned me of something about to "pop off." On the other side, he’s the guy in your group others are most aware of if an altercation ever does arise. 2. He serves as the “thug” chicks subliminally desire. Let’s face it. A lot of chicks like a dude to be bigger, stronger, and give off a sense of ignorant manliness. The Bully serves as the “gulliest” guy in the group in respect to its other members. Take it in these terms: if the group is wearing suits and ties, the Bully puts on khakis and a button up with the top button undone. And no, he does not wear a tie either. If the group is wearing white t-shirts, jeans and boots, the Bully is wearing a knife and nunchucks (...and perhaps an eye patch even). The Bully will also bully (ironic) a couple of weak chicks into coming back to the E-Board's crib after the party. The Bully also has no problem throwing chicks out of the after party to make the guy to girl ratios suitable for the E-Board. Lord knows I would never kick a chick in the butt, but the Bully will kick a chick hard with no remorse...


The Diplomat: Every group needs a PR man. The Diplomat serves as just that. The key to the Diplomat is that he must possess the unique quality of crossing racial lines. Your group should be very diverse when it comes to personalities but let’s face it: races tend to stick together. So a lot of times you will find that one black guy in the group of all white guys or vice versa. It's like they had an affirmative action member thrown into the mix. Oh, how I find this so lame and counterproductive. So, that’s where the Diplomat works his magic. Instead of adding a member to the E-Board because he fits in but just happens to be a different color, add a member who is the same color as the group but is known to hang out with people of a different color. So what, you black boys got a white boy in your group. He acts black and only likes black chicks. Thus, you’ll still be doing the same things whether he’s on your E-Board or not. I prefer the black boy who is from the suburbs, acts white, and likes Latin chicks. He might look like me, but if we never met then I would never have been exposed to beer bongs, themed parties, bagel bites, and fire crotches. The overall purpose of an E-Board is to have a diverse crew that enhances your college experience. The Diplomat’s purpose is to provide opportunities that no other member of the crew could provide. Have you ever been to “Hi-Liter Party?” Consult your Diplomat if you have not because then he is not doing his FUCKING job. The Diplomat is guaranteed to provide at least one foreign chick and one friend (may or may not be foreign) to the E-Board house after the party.


The On Button: This guy is the blood of the E-Board. He is probably the most influential cat in the crew. Through the blessings of the party gods (Frank the Tank and John Belushi), he was created and brought to the E-Board to breathe spontaneity into any situation. He is basically the Beastie Boys crammed into one body. The party hasn’t started until this guy has sprayed his face with shaving cream and somehow has gotten chicks to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. He just makes chicks feel comfortable with relaxing and enjoying the moment (whatever that might be at the time). I believe some of you people would say he has “swagger.” Sidenote: NIGGAS STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELVES ON FACEBOOK AS SHIT LIKE, John SUPERSWAG Doe. I want to beat you fucks with your skull studded belts. If you have to assert to yourself and trick complete strangers that you have this coveted “swagger” then you don’t have it. Swagger. I believe that term is designated for anyone wearing True Religion jeans or a Louis V scarf. You can learn swagger. You can create swagger. The On Button doesn’t possess swagger. The On Button just has a beautiful gene that allows him to recognize social situations and possess the ablility to make them comfortable for everyone involved. Unfortunately, The On Button tends to access his special powers at their truest form when he’s under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. So, a lot of the time The On Button tends to get into some type of predicament at some point. The On Button will assure a good time for everyone in the party, but at 4am you are going to have to pick his unconscious and naked body up from the school library steps, clothe him, and then chase him after he “escapes” from your car as you try to take him home. The best part of The On Button is he is the most sociable of the E-Board, so he is the perfect playcaller or wingman. Whether you are steering the ship or he is, he can always make a 2 on 2 (2 chicks and 2 guys) a memorable night. The On Button will always get a minimum of 3 chicks to come back to the E-Board's house to continue the party…

Daniel Ocean: This would be the final component to the E-Board. If The On Button is the blood and adrenaline, the Bully being the muscle, the Financial Backer the brain (and pockets), and the Diplomat being the mouth, then Daniel Ocean is the head of this Voltron that is the E-Board. He is the link that brings all these characters into one force. He is the mastermind behind getting everyone together. He is normally the brains of the operation as he decides where and when the pre-game will happen, recommends what chicks should be invited (and not invited), what parties the crew will attend, etc. He is the president of the E-Board but doesn’t speak on it because it’s recognized by everyone in the group. He’s the invisible hand. Being the common denominator of the entire team, he can play wingman for every member at any given time. Because, he is often running the position of wingman, he rarely accomplishes a set number of chicks to bring to after party. He just shows up and continues to play wingman or hones in on chicks that are there in surplus...

Remember, one of the reasons why men enjoy college so much is because of the potential to get busy with multitudes of women. So keep in mind, you will open yourself up to way more women if you work collectively with a team of guys with whom you have created chemistry. Furthermore, the essence of a fun (and successful) evening is achieving a popping afterparty. No one wants to party until 2am just so he can go to bed at 2:30am. I assure you, unless you are Van Wilder himself, it is impossible for one man to entertain a post-2am shin dig in the apartment or dorm room with just himself and 5-6 women. I don't care how much liquor he has or how much attention he spent that afternoon creating the "perfect" iPod play list. The E-board is about a group of 5 guys who work together to entertain 5 chicks with the overall objective of getting everyone laid. By the group working as one, the popping afterparty solidifies another successful team effort. It was a great man (I believe it was Mr. Rogers actually) who once said, "ain't no fun if the homies don't get none." And THAT my children is the motto of every chapter of the E-Board. Questions, comments, or concerns...contact Daniel Ocean.