Dash's Guide to College Living (Section I)...

WAKE UP GOD DAMMIT. It’s the month of September and it’s that time of the year again. College orientation and move-in has come and gone and now it’s time to get into the swing of things. For those of you just starting out on this college adventure, you’ve already experienced your new student orientation where the cafeteria food was for some reason utterly delicious and the sight of the multitudes of fresh new women was even more appetizing. Never in your life have you ever met more engaging people. Everyone wanted a new friend so it was easy to spark up a conversation about socket wrenches and made a potential lifelong buddy. Every chick had a life story of some sort which you’ve actively ignored as you internally plotted how you were going to in some way seduce her AND any other female that walked by while she was talking. You’ve already experienced back to school shopping and then packing up all your stuff and cramming it into your parents’ minivan for move in day. You’ve had that awkward conversation with your future roommate about the life and death stuff: where are you from…what’s your major…are you bringing the fridge because I’m bringing the x-box. Now, you have actually moved in to that 40x40 white cube you will spend the remainder of the year living. Young man, WELCOME TO ACADEMIA!!! Now let your education begin…

Firstly, allow me to state this: there is so much more to “higher learning” than going to class, maintaining a high grade point average, participating in extracurricular activities, and resume building. All of that is necessary, I assure you. However, when you go home for Christmas break and are sitting around one night with the old gang and everyone is telling stories of their first semester away from home, no one is going to give two shits about how high your GPA has gotten. They’re going to be too busy praising the ground your boy Terry walks on because he has accomplished knocking down the teaching assistant from his Intro to Lit course in the university’s library stacks…TWICE. Yes, Terry is the man, but HEY you have a 3.76 grade point average; so theoretically Terry should work for you one day. Yet, because Terry seems to exude such unparalleled social skills, it could be possible that one day you could work for him and I guess that’s not very fair. So even though I support academic achievement, I still think it is very vital to conquer other areas of college that do not include Scan-Tron sheets and cramming John Locke passages late into the night. So below are some areas of higher learning that aren't taught from a woman with 17 degrees:

Have NO LESS than 10 Disney DVDs (7 animated and 3 unanimated). Oh, you think this shit is gay? Well that’s just the type of thinking that won’t get you any vagina in what should be the most effortless booty-accomplishing time of your life. Rule number 6 in the Dashy Guide to College Achievement: Bitches love Disney shit. By having Disney movies (because DVD dates are extremely affordable on a college budget as well as the gateways to an evening of opportunity) shows a girl that A) you don’t mind watching something that she might like or brings back nostalgic memories, B) it’s the perfect opportunity to cuddle up under the blanket on your sofa or bed, and C) every Disney flick has romantic portions that are very opportune for you to make your own move. By no means do I think women are stupid, but this is a proven way of starting off an evening with a woman quite well. Many times have I paused The Lion King during “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” to feel some fucking lovin’ of my own. And I swear to God, once you master the “Disney-as-my-wingman” tactic, you will NEVER even get passed the opening credits of Finding Nemo. NOTE: If you have 10 Disney DVDs you need to have at least 20 DVDs that are not animated or child related. A college male with only Disney movies is just creepy…

Master the art of Facebook and AIM: The Facebook has become the number 1 social network in America. Even my mother is on Facebook. AIM Instant Messaging used to be the most common means of communication besides text messaging among teens and college students. Yet, Facebook has added Facebook chat and it's growing. But still, you can use the powers of Facebook to initiate conversation and then use AIM to keep your subject engaged and intrigued. With that being said, it's necessary to harness the powers of these two mediums and use them for your own purposes. Despite what your parents and grade school teachers always told you, everyone loves a wise guy. No one reads Facebook profiles unless they are interesting and/or funny. Women particularly don’t care that your favorite movie is 300. But I guarantee you’ll catch someone’s attention if you type: "I enjoyed going to see Sex in the City three times. And each time I dressed up as Ironman, the Hulk, or Hancock and punched any man I caught in the theater NOT dressed up like Ironman, the Hulk or Hancock." Who really cares about the “About Me” section? Just type something obscure and maybe someone reads it. The objective of Facebook gets accomplished by the first part of this compound word: your FACE. This would be why so many people scramble to put up their most attractive pictures (whether it’s the picture from last weekend’s party or from your 8th grade formal). Side note: it really isn’t cool seeing what you chicks do in the bathroom. I see these dumb fucking albums you post every Monday. What the fuck possesses you bitches into going to a bathroom and taking pictures of each other next to soap dispensers? Who wants to see a bitch posing in a bathroom with damp hands? I really hate that shit. I actually have put together a task force of myself and three friends dedicated to busting these female bathroom operations. We are equipped with bulletproof vests, tear gas, and tazers. Bitches, you have been warned. Anyway, it is the profile picture alone that will get you implemented into the Facebook culture. The better looking (or in some cases, the more creative) your profile picture appears, the quicker you will discover friend and group requests, and event invitations when you log in. Moreover, I understand that we all hate when our inbox gets filled with message reminders from party promoters and frat house party updates; but they will keep you in the loop of the social life on and around your college community. Remember, some of you may not be 21 and can’t just walk into a nearby bar. You need to know who’s throwing these bangers around your campus. So don’t be so quick to “decline” a friend request from Raymond “I-throw-the-illest-most-coked-out-flyest-bitches-havin’-newest-music-bumpin-parties-of-all-time” Wellington III. Facebook can be very influential to your college career. However, I warn you that the more you immerse yourself into the Facebook culture, the more likely the Facebook will turn on you (i.e. photos popping up of you in the background raiding the frat house refrigerator or tonguing down one of the muscular softball chicks).

Learn Greek: Every college has Greek Life on its campus. Explore that. According to the TV shows and the movies, these are supposedly the WILDEST parties of life. We're talking about the KY Jelly wrestling matches, indoor beach parties, live band keggers, Golf Pros & Tennis Hos themed parties, etc. The frat houses are three floors of sex, drugs, and rock & roll (literally) located all around your campus. Every Thursday through Saturday evening they are open to all the students to get their groove on. Of course the ladies are getting in for free. The frats want the women, but the women want more than just the frat guys. So that’s why they let non-Greek guys in. But as a non-Greek guy, they are going to charge you, especially if the party has yet to get popping so to speak. So when you get there, and you initially pay between $2 and $15, make sure you get your money’s worth and put in ground work as you get to know the brothers throwing the shin-dig. I don’t recommend you kiss ass because then they are going to think you want to pledge and then they will definitely charge you everytime they see you (and probably ask you to stick around to help clean up afterward). Just enjoy the party and make yourself a fixture as a cool guy looking to party so that when you show up at their door next week they let you in for free because they know you’re down to make a great party. Furthermore, Greek parties are where the magic (and mushrooms) happens. So embrace the frats. Some of the guys in can be dicks, but you’re just using their house as a setting to hone your social skills and set yourself up for future stories that will define your collegiate career in ways only described as Van Wilder-esque.

Well, I can’t give you all the jewels of my handbook at once so you’re just going to have to stick around for further ways to develop a better social education. Just understand that although many universities have different environments, demographics, and campus staples, these three aspects of a college will remain the same regardless of where you go to school. So get out there and find a chick on Facebook. Get her to message you her screen name. Then ask her to meet you at a frat house where you got the hook up with the brothers who can score you the good weed and secret liquor stash on the upper floors. Then after the party, bring her back to your dorm room, offer her some Easy-Mac, and pop in Toy Story. And take that chick to infinity and beyond...