Bum Ass Burgers...

FIRST AND FOREMOST: since when did it become cool to have a “burger shot”? Alright, before I start this short rant allow me to apologize for my lack of posts the past 3 weeks; I’ve actually been in my Batcave crafting topics to perfection. And they shall get revealed very shortly. So don’t worry, Team Detwiler is back and firing on all cylinders and I promise this rant won’t take up too much time. Now, am I the only man utterly offended by these itty bitty burgers Burger King is claiming as “Burger Shots”? I am a MAN, Burger King! I once looked at Burger King as the chief manufacturer of bad ass burgers. These burgers scoffed at men wearing white button down shirts and a neck tie. Burger King has the most disrespectful tomatoes in all the land. They squirt on anything in a foot and half radius. This company produced burgers that punished a woman’s finger nails with pickle juice and mayonnaise/ketchup. Has anyone ever had to eat anything within the four hours after eating a Double Whopper? Is it even legal to make a fish sandwich the size of Burger King’s fish sandwich? All these accolades and now your newest “gift” to humanity is a Burger Shot?! A “shot” of burger: a sandwich so small that IF I DRANK IT, my throat wouldn’t even flinch (no homo). God damn you Burger King for succumbing to the pressures of a health crazed world. You know, despite your commercial where you illustrate multitudes of females flocking to the man with “adorable baby burgers”, you have created quite the opposite sentiment in countless others. I’ll tell you this, Burger King: Rick Ross is PISSED right now! Fat Joe HATES you! Has anyone ever put a diss track out against a fast food corporation? Get ready. Furthermore, Jennifer Hudson is singing the hook…

I look at these bum ass Burger Shots and I wouldn’t even feed them to a caged pet. I want to freeze these minuscule burgers and play beer pong with these things. I can’t believe these are even on the main menu as opposed to a variation of the Mighty Kids Meal. Ah yes, the Mighty Kids Meal: the McDonalds medium for the kids too mature for Polly Pockets or Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers toys, yet still require their food given to them with a box of non toxic crayons in a bag with crossword puzzles and mazes. What are you fast food companies doing? White Castle does little burgers. That’s THEIR shit. Furthermore, they have been doing that for years. Lastly, they've never tried to make it sexy. Don’t insult me Burger King. Prepare to lay this project to rest next to the McRib very soon. My recommendation: invent a burger twice the size of the Double Whopper with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, and stuff it with either cheese fries or chicken fingers (shout out to the grease trucks at Rutgers New Brunswick) and name it the “Dinner’s Gonna Be Cold Tonight.”

Ode to the Sidekick....

What have I been doing with my life you ask? Very good question. I've been locked in my basement listening to every Jock Jams, Kidz Bop, and Wow! That's Music compact disk ever released. Don't judge me. They are just too addictive. But as I was listening to this marathon of terrible variations of past popular songs, something struck me. I HATE Kidz Bop. Why are these hyper little shits not taking a nap? Disturbia by Rihanna was annoying enough hearing it on the radio, and that was performed by Rihanna! What sick Mormon thought it would be genius to have record albums of children singing covers of current artists? And what's worse is that out of all the children singing in this mutant choir, you can only hear the voices of little Toby and Erin. Pedro and Tamika, however, have muted microphones on the day when the Jonas Brothers' Burning Up was to be recorded. Ironically, I sometimes think they were the only kids called on the day scheduled to do Jenny From The Block or 1, 2 Step...sick of it. Well, I'm tired of minority stars being pushed into the background. So at this time, I would like to give a few shout outs to all of the people that have been getting overlooked throughout the years. They just don't ever seem to get the credit that they deserve...

Everyone remember Doug Funnie? Yes, the All-American teenage boy that wrote in his journal every night about the events in his everyday life (kind of gay now that I think about it now). Well, I would like to give my first respect to his best friend Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine. And yes, anyone with blue skin is a minority in my book. Oh, how I have longed to get a t-shirt with a thunderbolt on it and a pair of matching knee pads just so that I could be like him. This man commanded attention by walking into a room and yelling "HONK HONK." Again, it is well documented that this man uses "HONK HONK" as his opening statement. Who else could get away with some shit like that? And don't forget about his ability to turn into Silver Skeeter. Silver Skeeter. I giggled a little when I wrote that. If only they knew the meaning that word would later take in American slang...

My next shoutout goes to a young man named Gerald Johanssen. Not only did he have the tallest and most well-groomed high top fade in cartoon history, but Mr. Johanssen may have been the most ambitious of all minority sidekicks. This little boy broke into into a radio station, put on the sexy voice, and got an entire city to turn off their lights just so he could witness a comet pass. Word? Not to mention the fact that he was able to pull a sixth grader into going with him to his fourth grade dance. He's the only fourth grader that had a job hustling watches for a company called Wacko's Mechandise. Gerald is also the associate of the mysterious character named "Fuzzy Slippers" who he learns all of his urban legends and stories from.

When talking about overlooked minority sidekicks, you can't forget about the most intelligent of them all. This one goes all to way to Dimmesdale where Timmy Turner's best friend A.J. resides. This little boy has the most perfectly, spherically shaped head of all time. Artists need a compass to draw him. And don't forget about the I Am Legend-esque lab in his room that appears at the push of a button. It was said in one episode that the only reason that A.J. still bothers to stick around in fifth grade is because Timmy's his best friend. Otherwise he would have been a graduating college senior at the age of 10. Word of advice A.J.: stop fucking with Timmy's buck-toothed, pink hat wearing ass and get that money son.

This next shoutout is for Jimmy Neutron's superhero inspired friend. Sheen Juarerra Estevez perhaps has some form of ADD and is constantly running around spazzing and screaming "ULTRALORD" at the top of his 12 year old lungs. Sheen has been held back twice, but his knowledge of the Ultralord action television and comic book series is quite extensive. He's obviously the muscle of Jimmy's trio, (Carl Weezer being the third) seeing as how he could easily wear each of them out with his Kung-Fu skills.

The last shoutout belongs to Jonny Quest's half brother Hadji. Dr. Quest adopted him after he saved his life. He proves to be the most unique of all the minority sidekicks, given that he has some type of telepathic or magical capabilities. Only he can strike fear into others' hearts by yelling, "Sim, Sim, Salabim!" He's also the only one that is always wearing a hat...

Want Some Cereal?

Breakfast. It's claimed to be the most important meal of the day. Why? Does it really give you that zest needed to start off your day? Can breakfast somehow raise your scores exponentially on standardized tests? FALSE. Just to let you know, out of the hundreds of millions of people in the United States that eat cereal every morning, 87% of them are children. Furthermore, 59.2% of all statistics are also made up on the spot. I digress. When I was younger, I couldn't wait until Sunday or Saturday morning when my mom or dad would make the "big breakfast." The big breakfast consisted of either french toast or a cheese omelet, 2 or 3 slices of sharp cheese, pulpless orange juice (because who likes to chew their beverage), and swine. When I say swine, I mean almost endless plates of bacon, scapple, and sausage. God DAMMIT do I love the pork. Anyway, the reason why the big breakfast was looked forward to every Friday night was because from Monday to Friday I was subjected to its inverse: the little breakfast. Oh, you don't know how many Thursday mornings I would wake up and pray, by the graces of Thor the Thunder God, that someone had broken into my home the night before and poked holes in the gallon of whole milk (because skim is NOT milk...) and buried the cereal boxes at the bottom of the dirty clothes bin. Needless to say, I do not believe in you anymore, Thor. All I am saying, is who really likes cereal? I wouldn't ever consider it food, yet these cereal corporations work tirelessly to create marketing schemes and colorful mascots to make the "little breakfast experience" a healthy and well balanced start of my day. Excuse me, Mr. Cereal CEO (you know I actually like that title) but I do not find ANYTHING remotely healthy or balanced going on with Smaks the Frog...

My beef, for lack of a better word, with the cereal industry is that these companies create mascots for their products that are blatantly representative of the underclass we have in America. However, we overlook any obvious character flaws these mascots regularly exhibit due to the character's funny voice, bright colors, and humorous style of dress. These cereal companies have successfully created a fraternity of physically destructive, drug addicted, possibly child molesting, and overall funny looking mascots who have been staring you and me in our faces every Monday through Friday morning for our entire lives. Should the trend continue, who knows what bigger, better, and bolder mascot will capture the hearts and imaginations of our little breakfast consuming children. Is the world really ready for Eve the Milk Mama?

Look at Lucky from the Lucky Charms cereal brand. There's obviously something terribly wrong with this little man. Who really still thinks leprechauns are fun? Personally, if you take away their hats, leprechauns starkly resemble Prince. As for Lucky's cereal, it's 75% marshmallow (disregard my previous statement about statistics, America). Half of Lucky Charms' commercials show this man curled up in a little ball sitting in dimly lit areas whispering to himself, "they're after me Lucky Charms." Is that even proper English?! Furthermore, if he wasn't so hopped up on marshmallows to begin with, he could remember that children actually are mesmerized by magic. And, oh yea, LEPRECHAUNS KNOW FUCKING MAGIC. There is obviously something illegal in that little red box...or there should be at least. Hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and some red balloons. The toy at the bottom of this box should be a beautiful bag of mushrooms. All I'm saying is school would be a lot more fun if you thought your school bus drove ON a rainbow every morning. Uncle Toucan Sam was obviously inspired by Sean Penn after playing the role of David Kleinfeld in Carlito's Way. He has no wife, children, or siblings yet he has three children that call him uncle. I'm sorry, I just find that fishy. Toucan Sam's catch phrase was "follow your nose" and coincidentally I tend to hear that a lot on BET's American Gangster. I wonder what Toucan Sam's episode title would be. The Trix Rabbit is actually the most cunning mascot of them all. This humanized rabbit has a college degree in reverse psychology. Have you ever met anyone who has said his or her favorite cereal was Trix? Do you even know what's in a Trix cereal box? When was the last time a grocery store was sold out of Trix? I'll wait while you ponder that. Children of America, you've been dooped. Trix are for kids? HA...you all have been "Tricked" it seems.

Look, all I'm saying is that these sugar saturated cereals are hardly good for anyone, especially children at 7am. Yet, they are sold to us by these suspect cartoon characters. Oh sure there are the straight arrows, Cornflakes' Cornelius the Rooster and Frosted Flakes' Tony the Tiger. However, no one cares or even eats that healthy crap anymore. It's all about how many kids Count Chocula and Captain Crunch can lure away from the playground swings in the new millennium. Come to think about it, I'm pretty sure Count Chocula is what Michael Jackson would resemble if he were animated.