Bum Ass Burgers...

FIRST AND FOREMOST: since when did it become cool to have a “burger shot”? Alright, before I start this short rant allow me to apologize for my lack of posts the past 3 weeks; I’ve actually been in my Batcave crafting topics to perfection. And they shall get revealed very shortly. So don’t worry, Team Detwiler is back and firing on all cylinders and I promise this rant won’t take up too much time. Now, am I the only man utterly offended by these itty bitty burgers Burger King is claiming as “Burger Shots”? I am a MAN, Burger King! I once looked at Burger King as the chief manufacturer of bad ass burgers. These burgers scoffed at men wearing white button down shirts and a neck tie. Burger King has the most disrespectful tomatoes in all the land. They squirt on anything in a foot and half radius. This company produced burgers that punished a woman’s finger nails with pickle juice and mayonnaise/ketchup. Has anyone ever had to eat anything within the four hours after eating a Double Whopper? Is it even legal to make a fish sandwich the size of Burger King’s fish sandwich? All these accolades and now your newest “gift” to humanity is a Burger Shot?! A “shot” of burger: a sandwich so small that IF I DRANK IT, my throat wouldn’t even flinch (no homo). God damn you Burger King for succumbing to the pressures of a health crazed world. You know, despite your commercial where you illustrate multitudes of females flocking to the man with “adorable baby burgers”, you have created quite the opposite sentiment in countless others. I’ll tell you this, Burger King: Rick Ross is PISSED right now! Fat Joe HATES you! Has anyone ever put a diss track out against a fast food corporation? Get ready. Furthermore, Jennifer Hudson is singing the hook…

I look at these bum ass Burger Shots and I wouldn’t even feed them to a caged pet. I want to freeze these minuscule burgers and play beer pong with these things. I can’t believe these are even on the main menu as opposed to a variation of the Mighty Kids Meal. Ah yes, the Mighty Kids Meal: the McDonalds medium for the kids too mature for Polly Pockets or Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers toys, yet still require their food given to them with a box of non toxic crayons in a bag with crossword puzzles and mazes. What are you fast food companies doing? White Castle does little burgers. That’s THEIR shit. Furthermore, they have been doing that for years. Lastly, they've never tried to make it sexy. Don’t insult me Burger King. Prepare to lay this project to rest next to the McRib very soon. My recommendation: invent a burger twice the size of the Double Whopper with ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, and stuff it with either cheese fries or chicken fingers (shout out to the grease trucks at Rutgers New Brunswick) and name it the “Dinner’s Gonna Be Cold Tonight.”