The World's Greatest Evil...

America, we are living in tumultuous times. The presidential election of November 2008 is hastily approaching. The fate of the free world is up in the air like a basketball at tip off time. However, the two hands reaching for this ball are the brown hands of a man who will without a doubt catch the “itis” while delivering his State of the Union address because he ate too much poultry in the greenroom and the delicate and well manicured hands of an Alaskan woman (some would call her an Eskimo…dammit) because McCain died of shock when someone told him there was such a thing known as sexual harassment in the workplace. Al Gore has me believing that it’s pointless to even think about having children (or paying off college loans for that matter) because anything below the Mason Dixon line will inevitably become the new millennium’s Atlantis due to global warming. Hurricane Katrina came to America and achieved what she wanted and, like a European immigrant in 1913, sent home for her cousins and they are now here terrorizing our southern states yet again. Diddy has not one, but TWO (2) television shows airing simultaneously on two different channels. In the name of Zeus’ beard, can someone tell me what kind of world we live in now?!?! With all of these calamities pushing the walls in around us faster and faster, you would think that I have something to speak out on. Never fear, I have found the root of all this evil. The father of all iniquity resides in Florida, my children. Nothing on this planet represents immorality and sheer wickedness to the extent that I witnessed when I took a trip to Disneyworld in Orlando, Florida. This motha fucka Mickey Mouse is without a doubt Mr. Sinister himself in a god damned tuxedo jacket with tails. Go get a bottled cranberry juice and sit on the floor Indian style in front of this computer screen and pay close FUCKING attention, I have a story to tell…

First of all, everything you used to believe about Mickey Mouse is a bold faced lie. Anything regarding this icon as a giant, jolly, and cordial rodent in a well knotted bow tie is an absolute lie. Remember back to your childhood when you would go to Disney and take pictures next to Mickey Mouse and he towered over you as you wore your own Mickey ears and sipped a Capri Sun from a straw poked through the missing tooth gap in your mouth. Oh yes, as a child all you probably committed to memory was actually taking that picture. No one ever recollects standing in a line so ridiculously long you would think there was endless gold at its end. But is there gold at the end? No. It’s just a polyester mouse with no vocal cords who thinks it’s perfectly alright to play peek-a-boo with every child that comes up to him. Why in Apollo’s name do we stand in these outlandishly long lines just to shake hands with college students (or Cubans) dressed up as life sized cartoon characters? And, what about these people that actually get paid to pantomime from nine to five? They couldn’t hire me to play Mickey Mouse for a day. I would jump into pictures I wasn’t even supposed to be near. You think you’re taking a picture hugged up with Goofy and I’m in the background throwing up the Westside sign, bitch! All you want is picture with Winnie the Pooh (by the way, what the shit is a “Pooh” and why does he think it’s completely acceptable to wear a red child’s small t-shirt to cover his nipples but his belly, balls, and toes can hang all out…just wondering) and in the background you see me luring 3 children away with candy. What?!?! All I’m trying to say is that I can’t possibly understand what keeps these “actors” motivated to stay in character all day and not want to go have some mischievous fun of their own. It is 1000 degrees in those costumes and you’re telling me you want to wave and hug non-English speaking tourist all day. I refuse to believe it.

It doesn’t end there either. You would think Mickey is larger than life. I mean come on; he has theme parks, television channels, movie studios, cartoons, video games, toys, story books and magazines all created from his image. This man is a brand name (the original Blue Magic) that people have built their careers. I walked up to Mickey for the first time last week and thought I was standing next to Midget Mac in god damn Stewart Little costume. Don’t let the pictures fool you people; Mickey Mouse is 4’11” and that’s with his little gold boots. All my life I thought Mickey Mouse was 7’30” and come to find out he can’t even get on half the rides in his own theme park. I wish I was Mickey Mouse and you tell me I can’t get on Space Mountain. I would rip off one my ears and fling it at the bridge of your nose like a black Frisbee. To be honest though, I think Mickey is actually used to violent behavior like that. Here is an assignment: take a brief break from this passage and YouTube some old Steamboat Willie clips of Mickey back in the old days. He is a documented animal abuser and racist. I lie to you not; I caught a lot of the different characters of Disney engaging in sketchy behavior all weekend, too. First off, Mickey treats Goofy AND Pluto like shit. Mickey kicks Pluto whenever he sees him. I witnessed Mickey sitting in a chair and he noticed Pluto walking by holding a woman’s hand. Mickey abruptly stopped what he was doing, tip toed up to Pluto’s left (because those helmets don’t have good peripheral vision), and super kicked him in the head like Shawn Michaels. Mickey then Diddy danced all the way back to his seat and continued taking pictures and no one said or did anything! I saw Cinderella smoking weed behind a dumpster. Huey, Duey, and Luey were cuffed and walked through the park to the Disney Detention Center because they were caught shoplifting. The guy who wears the Eore costume from Winnie the Pooh is just as depressed as the character he plays. It started to rain and while all the other characters (or “cast members” as they are called down there) were running to find cover, he just sat there trying to slit his wrists with a pen cap. It’s tragic how they act when they think no one is looking.

Characters aside, the actual Disney campus is outrageous. It’s like its own country with its own money and law enforcement. I promise you this: if you heard terrible stories about the Los Angeles or New York Police Department, it probably pales in comparison to the Disneyworld Police Department. These guys are the most disgruntled and anal law enforcement brigade of all time. I blame it on those uniforms they have to wear. They look like pilots and their badges are the shape of Mickey’s head. What sick bastard thought it would be cool to mold a law enforcement badge into the shape of a harmless cartoon character’s head? So with that, they feel that they must be the most fearsome toddler task force of all time. They pepper spray areas of the park when they feel there’s too many children crying. If you lose track of your child and they find little wandering Timmy, they actually incarcerate the child, not the parent. True story: they shut the wading pool (the pool that is only 2 feet deep) down at my resort for an hour because there was too much splashing and noise. They then pushed the life guard on duty around their circle of Disney Police like bullies because they felt she was weak at her post. Oh, and don’t call these cops the Goof Troop. They hate that…and they chase you until they catch you. And no, you cannot outrun them. Their rage turns them all into Jamaican sprinters.

Finally, Mickey Mouse and the Monopoly Man must have been golf buddies because Disneyworld has the most thorough understanding of complete monopoly ever. You can’t eat, drink, or travel anywhere around Disney unless you pay Mickey Mouse. Furthermore, Mickey knows this and he sets the most offensive prices for everything. I spent $200 at a bar on 3 Long Islands and 4 draft beers. If I wasn’t so drunk when I cashed out, I would have caused a scene when the register did the Mickey laugh as my receipt printed. Food is unreasonably expensive and they only serve it 4 times a day, so you have to eat it. $11 for a turkey and cheese sandwich (not including a beverage) and it isn’t even filling. The restaurants all start their meals with $11-17 appetizers. The shuttles refuse to take you anywhere that isn’t a Disney theme park or Disney resort. I was walking to McDonalds for a late night snack and a shuttle pulled up in front of me. Chip and Dale jumped out threw a potato sack over my head and I woke up tucked in my bed in footed pajamas and Hannah Montana was on the TV. Mickey must rake in 20 million a day on food, liquor, and transportation alone.

You know where the ultimate evil comes into play though? Yes, Disney captures children’s imaginations and keeps them wanting to come back for more. They want their parents to buy Mickey ears, get their face painted, dine in the magic castle, experience the Pirates of the Caribbean and ride the Buzz Lightyear rides in Tomorrowland. That stuff is colorful and loud and leaves children hypnotized. Meanwhile parents are stuck enduring all the childish stuff just so that their kids don’t grow up feeling cheated out of a childhood milestone. However, wait until the end of the night. It's then the grown man’s turn to get mesmerized by bright lights and loud sounds. Every night at 8pm the Disney parade rolls through the Magic Kingdom. Not only were the kids wide mouthed and captivated by these elaborate floats made to resemble a scene from every single Disney movie, but I too, was awestruck by what was actually happening on these floats. When the villain float came passed, I swear the witch from Snow White and I caught eyes and she gave me the finger before she disappeared into smoke. Captain Hook jumped off the float and ran at some children who were booing him. Like ran at them full speed. Cinderella and the Prince were riding in the pumpkin coach and he was definitely feeling her breast as they waved to onlookers. Mickey walked out with the Nation of Islam surrounding him. It was ridiculous. Who does this Mickey Mouse think he is? All I could do was shake my head as the children and parents followed the parade all around the park like zombies in the night. Anyway, I won’t be attending any other Disney events. I returned home broke but I did buy a pair of those four fingered Mickey gloves. I only did that so that when I am in a bar and start raising the roof, I can attract under-aged men and women to slap before I report them to the bouncers. Bouncers who also have pending applications with the DWPD...